


After

by tactical_nuclear_penguin



Series: The story of Gaz Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post Mass Effect 2, Pre Mass Effect 3, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slowmance, scifi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-04 23:45:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 51,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/716436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tactical_nuclear_penguin/pseuds/tactical_nuclear_penguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Mass Effect 2 and before Mass Effect 3.  The story of Gaz Shepard's adventures before she finally heads back to earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And done

The gun pounded against his shoulder, as his heart pounded against his chest. They had survived the impossible before - why not again?  
  
Three familiar faces appeared around the corner - their eyes filled with a tired sort of pride and determination.  First Garrus jumped aboard beside him, hitting a bit harder than he meant to. Samara threw herself next - gracefully landing just beside Garrus, before nearly collapsing from fatigue.  Only one more to go. His bones began to ache from the constant force of the gun.  The ship was beginning to slip too far away from the base.  
  
"C'mon Commander," Joker whispered, as she sped up and tossed herself at the ship. Her torso hit the side of the airlock hard - nearly throwing her out. Garrus quickly pulled her up, causing the pilot to take a deep breath of relief. There was no chance in hell he was strong enough to pull her up from what could have easily been her second death.  
  
Joker quickly handed the assault rifle off to the nearest abled-bodied-crew, and made his way back to his domain. EDI greeted him with the appearance of her holographic form beside his controls, as she began flying the Normandy away from the Collector Base. Joker relaxed into his seat, as he took control back from the AI - flying them to safety as the Collector Base exploded behind them. The shock-wave distorted the path of the Normandy for a moment, before he regained control, and headed back for the Omega-4 Relay.  
  
They had done it.  
  
The sound of limping steps caused Joker to silently wish yet again for the installation for a rearview mirror - silently hoping they would just turn down the hall and leave him to his work.  When his chair leaned back slightly from someone leaning atop the headrest, however, he didn't need a mirror to know who it was.  
"Commander," he greeted, as he readied the Normandy for the Omega-4 Relay, "Seriously...when are all the bad guys going to realize there's no point in trying?" he asked, a smile brushing his lips, "Hell - death couldn't even stop you from kicking ass today."  
A low laugh from his Commander caused his smile to grow slightly.  
"We did it Joker," her voice tired and a bit hoarse, "Though I have a feeling our Illusive friend isn't going to be throwing credits at us anymore," she sighed, "He was not happy at all about blowing up that base, you know."  
"Better to get rid of the big-scary-Universe-ending-weapon, rather than leaving it alive for the bad guys to steal back from us," Joker shrugged, his hands quickly moving across the controls as EDI read out various statistics about their approach of the Relay.  
"I'm glad you agree. Honestly I'm just tired of the fucking Collectors and didn't want any of their shit to exist anymore. But yeah - your reason works to," Shepard drummed atop his chair slightly - the sound of a smile heavy in her voice.  
"Commander - go take a nap or something. You earned it."  
"Yes, mommy," she squeezed his shoulder slightly, before limping away to the rest of the crew.  
  
–  
  
Shepard rode the elevator to her over-sized room, after congratulating the rest of her crew. Their mission was done. She was done.  
  
The woman shed her armor - carefully dropping each piece onto her floor, before she collapsed atop her bed. The brief moment of the cool sheets against her skin, caused the woman to release a happy sigh. A pulling sensation in her stomach let her know that Joker had just jumped them through the Relay. In a moment, they would be back into normal space. The mission done. Humanity saved. The Collectors dead.  And they all lived.  
  
Sitting up from her bed, Shepard stared around her room. Her fish happily floated around the tank - chewing on the food she had released into their aquatic Universe. Various toy ships filled a display case. A picture lay on her desk. The fatigued woman stood from her bed - feeling her legs protest instantly.  
Kaidan's face idly smiled at her from the black frame. Her mind wandered back to the message he had sent her last, after he was an asshole on Horizon. Sitting in front of her personal console, she queued up a new message.  
"So I saved life as we know it again. Wanna get drinks now?  
-Shepard"  
She smiled idly - the fatigue of the day starting to take hold of her eyelids.  
  
–  
  
"Shepard, your presence is requested on the bridge."  
Shepard's eyes snapped open - a moment of confusion flooding the woman as she awoke to the picture of Kaidan's face.  
'Shit...I fell asleep on my desk again,' she mentally cursed, sitting up with a pained expression.  
"EDI - how urgent?" Shepard asked, rubbing her neck.  
"You have time for your normal morning routine, Shepard," the artificial female voice reported, causing the woman to nod.  
After a quick shower, Shepard paused before dressing herself. The mission was done. Evil was thwarted. Did she really need to put on something as uncomfortable as the Cerberus attire she was required to wear? Was she even Cerberus anymore? Finding some civilian attire from a visit to the Citadel, she carefully slid on the comfortable clothing, and stared at herself in the mirror for a moment.  
Her currently wet auburn hair framed her face - resting just below her chin. Dark rings gave away her fatigue under her light brown eyes - even with her naturally olive skin. After a moment, she stuck her tongue out at herself, before heading for the elevator to see what the bridge needed of her.  
  
–  
  
Joker ran through the various checks with EDI to double-check that their flight through the Omega-4 Relay hadn't damaged any systems upon the ship.  
"How's the ship doing, Joker?"  
The pilot jumped slightly - unaware that anyone else was in the cockpit with him.  
"Really Commander? Sneaking up on the pilot again? Can we seriously get some mirrors to avoid sneak attacks? And how did you get up here so quietly anyway?"  
"Good morning to you too, Joker."  
"Kasumi give you a pair of ninja socks or something? Anyway - where are we headed?" Joker spun his chair to face the recently washed woman behind him. His expression instantly betrayed him at the surprise of her attire.  
"I figured today could be casual Friday," she shrugged, tugging at the slightly oversized sleeves of her black hooded sweatshirt.  
Joker laughed under his breath and shook his head, "Considering you just saved the galaxy yet again, I think only Miranda is going to bitch at you for being out of uniform."  
Shepard frowned, scratching the back of her neck, "She's not happy with me, is she?"  
"Considering you just screwed over Cerberus and gave the Illusive Prick the finger...I don't think so, Commander. Oh by the way - Miranda wants to see you in her lair."  
"Her lair?"  
"She works out of her bedroom. Seems appropriate."  
"True."  
"So - where shall I point this bird, Commander?"  
Shepard glanced down, as her omni-tool brightened the folds of her dark sweatshirt - her brown eyes studying her messages. A small smile crept across her features, before she nodded, "Citadel," and disappeared down the hall.  
"See ya Commander."  
Joker sighed, swiveling his chair back toward the controls of the ship, "Any idea why she chose the Citadel, EDI?"  
"Thirty-five seconds ago, she received a message from Kaidan Alenko, requesting her presence in a specific location upon the Citadel, Jeff."  
The pilot paused in his movements, and stared at the hologram to his left, "Okay - since when are you okay with telling me the Commander's private business...and what the hell does Kaidan want with Shepard? Last he saw her, he was an ass."  
"Perhaps you should ask the Commander, Jeff."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bringing one of my more popular fanfics over from other places! This also gives me a chance to give it a nice edit before posting it again. Anyway, enjoy. This is (when fully posted) a long (currently almost 60k words before editing) fanfic, as a heads up. Lots of shipping of Joker/Shepard along the way. 
> 
> Gaz Shepard: paragon (ish)/soldier/romanced Kaidan in 1/romanced no one in 2.  
> Short choppy hair/red-brown color/olive skin/freckles/light brown eyes.  
> Hope that helps with the visual.


	2. Slip

Tired eyes closed, as a thumb and forefinger slowly rubbed the lids - as if to spark some sort of power to keep them open.  
EDI's mechanical voice jarred the pilot as the AI spoke, "Jeff."  
Joker's eyes snapped open, glancing over at the holographic display to his left.  
"EDI," he replied - his voice dry.  
"You need your sleep in order to function fully upon your next shift, Jeff.  I can take the Normandy’s helm as you have your sleep cycle."  
His normal relief pilot had been highly injured in the Collector attack – leaving Joker with long shifts.  
He snarled slightly, hating when the creepy AI got motherly on him. It was a bit insulting to include something with his baby that basically took the power away from him...well, now that he unshackled the AI, that is.  It no longer mattered if he was the best pilot in the Alliance. Hell - he wasn't even in that fleet anymore. The Cerberus logos that were plastered around the SR-2 reminded him of this on a regular basis. Then again – with how Shepard had treated the Illusive Man, he doubted he was Cerberus anymore, either.  
"Goodnight, Jeff."  
"Just don't crash us into a surprise black-hole while I sleep, okay?" Joker requested, carefully pulling himself to his feet. He teetered slightly, before he began walking off of the bridge. EDI's holographic display followed his movements - causing the pilot to shoot her...it, a back glance.  
"Goodnight, EDI."  
  
Sometimes he wondered if EDI was actually artificial intelligence, or there was a woman with a microphone and a bunch of buttons hiding somewhere on the Normandy. A small smile spread upon his lips as he walked across the long path to the elevator.  
Most of the faces that gawked at his crippled stride weren't familiar. They were the secondary crew whom he rarely ever saw. The shifts had been a bit strange since a good portion of the crew was under the care of Chakwas.  
Kelly appeared from the science labs - shooting Joker a smile. He wasn't sure what her job was, honestly. She seemed to enjoy brown-nosing Shepard - but also took time to talk to everyone on the entire ship. Judging by the data-pad in her hand and the rings under her eyes, she was just ending one of these 'meetings'.  
She placed her index finger against her head and made a shooting motion - pretending to die in a rather amusing fashion - before she headed off into the armory. Shaking his head, Joker continued to shamble towards the lift, not envying the woman's job. He was honestly just glad the Collectors didn't melt her away.  
Entering the elevator, he took a step toward the control panel - opposite the door. His foot slid into something wet on the floor, causing the fragile man to slide into the controls. Joker's hand hit a button - sending the lift in motion, and the man to the ground from the sudden movement.  
  
Swearing, he took a deep breath. Sitting up, he ran his hands down his legs, unsure if there was a new fracture or not. With the 'bone weave' Cerberus had given him, he wasn't sure how breakable he was anymore. He knew he was more fragile than the average person – but didn't feel like testing the boundaries any time soon.  
The doors of the elevator opened, causing Joker to slowly turn his head. He was on the highest level of the Normandy - Shepard's quarters. Under the door, he could see a strip of light shining. She was awake?  
  
Curious, Joker crawled out of the elevator - nearly being hit by the lift's doors as he exited. Using the wall to pull himself up, he instantly felt a fracture in the shin he had feared. A hiss of pain escaped from between his lips, as he slowly moved forward. He had to walk around the ship with a fracture before - but it had been a long while, magnifying the pain. Plus he normally had crutches in those situations. Reaching Shepard's door, he knocked twice.  
"Enter," Shepard's voice greeted without questioning.  
Pressing a button, the door opened - revealing the strange blue lighting of Shepard's fish tank. The light created a surreal glow upon the woman's face, as she sat in the middle of her bed. Realizing the soft blue light couldn't have caused the light cast under the door, Joker frowned - bracing himself on the wall just past the door.   
"Commander," he greeted - the woman jumping to her feet at the sound of his voice.  
"Joker?" she asked, approaching him, "Is everything alright?"  
  
A faint smile pulled at the pilot's lips as she gently placed a hand on his shoulder. Unlike everyone else on the ship, she never cared nor asked about his condition. Hell - she didn't even ask if he was hurt, as he limped into her door looking like a kicked puppy. It was refreshing to be treated like a normal non-broken human...even if he was actually quite broken at that exact moment.  
"Actually someone spilled something on the floor of the lift and I managed to slip and break my leg," he reported - embarrassed to admit his injury, but he was in enough pain in standing that he didn't care.  
"Oh," Shepard frowned, as she pulled his arm around her - forcing him to use her as a crutch, "Here - take a seat on my bed."  
"I can just stay out of your way on the couch," he protested, as they slowly moved across her rather large room.  
Joker glanced over at her toy ships, and fought the urge to mock the woman at her childish nature. It was amusing how a war hero still wanted to collect toy ships and have pet fish.  
"Your loss," she teased, helping him rest upon her black couch.  
Joker glanced over at the now-silhouette of his Commander. Had she really just invited him into her bed?  
"When the couch starts digging to your ass - don't say I didn't warn ya," she gestured, walking over to her bed to straighten the sheets. Had she been about to sleep?  
"Did I disturb you?" Joker asked, as she fetched herself a glass of water - filling a second glass for the pilot. The strip of light under her door suddenly made sense. She was going to bed right when he knocked.  
  
"Polite people would say 'no - not at all' - but honestly I was about to pass out," she admitted, sliding the glass of water across the table to Joker, "It's fine though. I'd prefer to keep my pilot from being passed out from pain in the lift because he was too scared to knock on his Commander's door for help," she snorted - shaking her head.  
Joker smiled as he gently placed his legs on the couch to protect them from any further harm, "Thanks, Commander."  
  
"When it's the middle of the night, I'm out of uniform, the mission is over, and was possibly drunk with Chakwas earlier...does that still make me your Commander?" her voice carried a strange tone, as she sat herself next to Joker.  
"Yes?" the pilot asked, a bit confused and even scared over his Commander's manner.  
Shepard yawned, placing her hand over her mouth as she did so.  
"The correct answer is, 'yes Commander,' " she replied with a tired smile - staring off into her fish tank.  
  
Various species of fish swirled in intricate patterns as they nibbled at food that was recently released into the tank. Shepard and her damn fish.  
"Wouldn't it be weird if we all started calling each other by our first names?" she asked in a light tone, bracing her feet against the table in front of her. The light revealed that her night-ware included a black N7 tank-top, as she turned to look at him. A smile brushed Joker's lips at her pride of being an N7. Her features barely visible in the dim light.  
  
"I'd be Jeff..." Joker narrowed his eyes.  
"That...just sounds weird."  
"Yeah - like calling you Giselle," he half-laughed, shaking his head.  
Shepard grimaced - noticeable in even the dim light, "No - I'd be Gaz," she corrected, "Fuck my full name."  
"Not a fan, Commander?"  
"It makes me think of flowers and dresses."  
"Now you wearing a dress would be weird."  
"The Galaxy would implode and the Reapers would win."  
"It's their new plan to win, Shepard. Make you wear a dress."  
"Those...bastards."  
"Don't let them win Shepard!"  
"I just have to resist the urge to dress like Miranda and I think I'm good."  
Both pilot and Commander burst out laughing.  
"Speaking of Miranda, how did that go?" Joker asked, feeling his leg swell.  
"Oh right - that. I did get a bit of a lecture, but explained the reasoning you gave me - mixed with a bit of mine. She honestly seems a bit shaken by everything that's happened."  
"Huh...not what I was expecting..."  
  
Shepard turned her head away from him for a moment - giving the pilot a side-view of his Commander's face. To his surprise, he could faintly see little lights behind her eyes, giving them a faint glow. A reminder that Joker had lost his Commander once, washed over him. She was dead. He had watched it happen. Hell - it was because of him. Yet here she was. Kicking ass just as hard as before and lived through the impossible. Again.  
"Thank you," Joker stated suddenly, taking a sip of the earlier offered water.  
"For not dressing like Miranda therefore saving the Galaxy from Reapers? Well - I do what I can."  
The pilot smiled, amused at how she was one of the few on the ship who could handle his wit and sarcasm. Hell - she had quite the arsenal of the stuff, herself.  
"I'm sure many of the guys on ship aren't grateful for that," Joker frowned, as Shepard laughed under her breath and shook her head.  
"I should walk around the ship naked for a casual Friday."  
Joker choked on his water, as he watched a smirk slide across Shepard's features.  
"Wouldn’t the Reapers win?"  
"Only if I wear a dress. I can't see being naked as a threat," she reasoned, toying with her own glass of water, "Or the Reapers would win every time I take a shower..." she appeared in deep thought for a moment, before turning her head towards Joker, "Need any painkillers? I know it's not much to offer but..."  
Joker pondered the question for a moment, "What do you have?"  
"Basic stuff. Knocks out headaches. I also have alcohol if that's your preferred poison."  
"I think I'll pass," Joker waved with a hand, to remove the offer.  
"Or we could get Thane up here for you to lick," she shrugged, pushing some hair out of her face.  
"I...don't swing that way, Commander."  
"He's a hallucinogenic," Shepard elaborated without hesitation.  
"Excuse me?"  
"Like the frogs on Earth. Some of his body parts are more potent than others."  
"That's more than I wanted to know."  
"Same," Shepard sighed, setting her glass upon the table, "Mordin just...really likes talking."  
"Oh...so I'm sorry."  
"I got the talk from him, Joker."  
"THE talk?"  
"Yes."  
"Like...the one parents give you..."  
"Yes."  
"Birds and the bees?"  
"Yes. But more like...frogs, insects, and dinosaurs."  
"He gave you a talk about inter-species sex?" Joker laughed through his words.  
"Apparently he figures that I'm a lonely woman that's too friendly with the local aliens," she shrugged, "Or maybe just wishful thinking on his part."  
"So you're not going to attempt to hump a dinosaur?"  
Shepard laughed, shaking her head, "While I love all my boys...I have no desire to ruin the dynamics of the people who fight with me with...sex. Plus it sounds complicated with a turian. Like...how...? Do they even have a-?"  
"So Kaidan was a mistake?"  
The words slipped out of Joker's mouth before he could catch himself. Probably it was from the massive amount of endorphins that were shooting through his system from the fracture in his leg.  
Shepard's amused expression drifted away - her light brown eyes glued to the floor.  
"I'm not sure what that was," she admitted, "That Horizon bullshit made me not really want him again. It was just so childish. I'm sorry I didn't call you over the last two years. I was busy being dead. Then thrown into missions. I even asked," Shepard gestured with her hands, "the Illusive Ass about Kaidan. First thing. He said he was with the Alliance and busy. Then there was a bunch of other stuff. He didn't even ask. And..."  
"Kaidan is an asshole, Shepard."  
"More than the Illusive Asshole?" her voice carried a happy note that Joker was glad to hear. Not long after they had been back together and on this new ship, the various crew members had started called the Illusive Man by various names. Except Miranda, of course.  
"Yes."  
"Impressive."  
"He's just too full of himself. You can do better Shepard."  
"I'll be sure to tell him that when I see him in the Citadel."  
Joker frowned, attempting to not give away that he already knew this information, "Why would you do that?"  
"Back in the before-death-days for me, he was..."  
"A special snowflake?"  
Shepard silently shook her head, laughing under her breath, "I don't know. It's a bit of unresolved business in my life."  
"Just use a condom when you resolve it."  
Shepard stared at Joker with an expression that honestly made him want to crawl back onto the elevator.  
"I wonder if it's possible to fuck a hanar," she suddenly asked, her expression quickly changing, with a hint of a smile brushing her lips.  
There was a beat of silence before Joker finally said, "That's tentacle...rape."  
"Not if it's consensual."  
"You want to have sex with a jellyfish?"  
"I should ask Mordin."  
"You are a messed up person, Shepard."  
"Well - at least I don't listen to porn while flying."  
Joker's mouth opened and closed a few times, before he frowned, "That's not constant, I swear."  
"Wouldn't it be more frustrating than anything? Get yourself all worked up but can't take care of it?"  
While their subject matter had drifted from polite to pornographic, Shepard's tone remained calm.  
"It's...it's not like that."  
"Right."  
"I swear."  
"You just need to get laid, then you wouldn't have to listen to porn while hanging out with a robot that secretly wants you."  
"EDI doesn't want me."  
"Sure she does. You're the only one who talks to her constantly."  
"She's an AI..."  
"What about Kelly?"  
"What about her?"  
"She seems nice."  
"I think she's determined to get into your pants, Shepard."  
The Commander laughed, shaking her head, "No."  
"I swear."  
"No."  
"She's talked about you before."  
"While bringing you food and hanging out with you in the helm?"  
"She treats me like a baby."  
"She's a shrink. She has a soft spot for people she doesn't understand."  
"I'm not going to fuck Kelly, Commander."  
"That's an order."  
"You are a bad person and should feel bad."  
"No."  
Joker smiled, staring at his legs, "Not to change the subject from our sex lives to my health - but is Chakwas awake?"  
"She's passed out from being overworked by all the injured crew. Plus the alcohol."  
"Nurses?"  
"Do we have nurses?"  
"I don't think so. Worth a shot. Is Chakwas really our only medical person?"  
"I think so. If not, I am a horrible person for never even saying hi to them," Shepard frowned, scratching her head slightly. Silently, she stood and walked over to her bed - retrieving a rather large blanket, before quickly returning to the couch.  
She gently placed part of the blanket over his legs, before draping it over the rest of his body.  
"This is possibly the softest blanket I have ever felt in my entire life," Joker reported, feeling the fabric between his fingers.  
"This is why I tried to get you to relax on my bed. I think they killed a bunch of small and fluffy animals for it to be made. Considering Cerberus, it wouldn't surprise me."  
"Do all your blankets feel like this?"  
"Yes."  
"What about the mattress?"  
"Marshmallows and clouds had a baby."  
"That is possibly the weirdest metaphor for a mattress I have ever heard."  
"But you love it."  
Joker smiled, watching the woman stand over him. He liked Shepard. She was a very unique woman.  
"What?" she asked, placing a hand on her hip.  
"You."  
"What about me?" her head tilted to the side - but her expression was impossible to read, considering her back was to the light source of the room - the fish tank.  
"You are possibly the nerdiest, craziest, least appropriate woman I have ever met."  
"I do what I can. Or the Reapers win."  
Joker smiled, shaking his head, before adjusting himself on the couch slightly.  
"Ass?"  
"Nah – broken leg."  
"Right. Anything I can get you? I feel a bit helpless here."  
"Scary words from a woman who doesn't let death stop her."  
Shepard made a noise that was a bit close to a snort, before she retrieved a pillow from her bed, and set it behind Joker.  
The pilot muttered a word of thanks, before his eyes scanned the room.  
"What are you looking for?" she asked, studying him.  
"A...bathroom? I was on my way to bed, too."  
She offered him a hand to his feet, and a shoulder as a crutch - before closing the bathroom door behind him. Through the door she called, "I have an extra toothbrush in the drawer next to the sink. Toothpaste is behind the mirror."  
"Well you're all set for a one-night stand," Joker commented, shaking his head.  
In the bathroom, he let out a low whistle. The room was roughly the same size as the bathroom that was designed for the rest of the ship. They were really spoiling her up here.  
As he brushed his teeth, he had to wonder about the woman. Why couldn't she just help him to his bed? He didn't want to breach the subject, for he had sworn he had seen this exact scenario in a porno – and didn't want to ruin his chances.  
After a few moments, Joker opened the door - bringing Shepard quickly to his side to help him back to the couch. She even paused to help reset the blankets comfortably around him. Once settled, the woman wandered over to her fish tank.  
"For a badass war hero, you are a child," Joker teased, carefully leaning himself back into the comfort she had provided him with.  
She approached the tank, wiggling her fingers at a fish that appeared to be watching her. It swam in a little circle at her recognition, before rejoining the rest of the other fish. After a beat of silence, she finally replied, "Is that normal for me?"  
Her voice was low and formed in a manner that wasn't teasing nor sarcastic. She was actually asking the question.  
"What...do you mean?" the pilot asked, adjusting his hat to allow leaning against a pillow comfortably, as he watched her slim silhouette against the tank.  
Her head slumped forward against the glass of the tank and her shoulders lifted slightly as she took a deep breath.  
"I've kept this quiet from everyone...but I have to double-think everything I do and say."  
Something inside Joker stirred at her taking trust in the crippled pilot above everyone. Above Miranda who she should technically tell everything. Above the Illusive Asshole. Garrus. Tali. And even Kelly.  
"Why?"  
"I died. I was destroyed. Then brought back to life. I'm always...scared that I'm not the Shepard they wanted to bring back. What if I'm a little different? I can't tell. I have all of Shepard's memories - but some decisions I...Shepard has made in the past, I question. They don't seem right."  
"Shepard..."  
She slowly turned her head over her shoulder - her hair sticking up slightly in the front from leaning against the glass.  
"I've managed to keep these thoughts away because of the mission - but now that we're done, my brain won't stop. I just don't know."  
Joker waved her over – yet the woman chose to sit atop her bed, rather than rejoin Joker upon the couch.  
"Shepard, it doesn't matter who you were."  
"Yes it does," her voice flat, as she stared blankly to the front of the room, "They brought me back because of who I was."  
"Well from what I've seen, you're still kicking ass and adopting aliens with problems like a crazy cat lady...just like the good ol' days. Plus you just saved the Galaxy again. It's normal to doubt your past, Shep. Hindsight is 20/20, ya know. I know you've been rebuilt and have a lot of non organic parts."  
"The LEDs in my eyes are cool though," she cut in, smiling slightly - shooting Joker a side-glance.  
"Very true. But what I was saying is that you are you. I haven't noticed a single change in even your posture. You still stand with your hands behind your back when you randomly come say hi for no apparent reason on the bridge."  
Shepard smiled, watching Joker as he spoke.  
"You still stare off into space and narrow your eyes when you formulate a plan. You still talk to everyone aboard your crew - no matter how annoying or how resistant to you they are. You still drop everything to help anyone you can. You still can crash into impossible odds and somehow pull through, kick ass, save the day, and earn everyone's respect around you."  
Her eyes dropped. From the dim light, Joker could just make out the fact that her cheeks had grown a bit red. Hopefully not from anger. If so, he was already dead.  
"Thank you," her eyes slowly rose to his, with a small smile, before drifting away from his and narrowing slightly.  
"What are you formulating?" Joker's words were cautious. He wasn't sure what to make of anything that was going on.  
"All this depressing talk of me questioning my existence made me not tired."  
"I nudged my leg in the bathroom against the wall, so I'm cracked out on adrenaline."  
"This should be cleared up with a crew-wide orgy."  
Joker narrowed his eyes at Shepard, "You just want to lick Thane."  
"Okay - I have to admit that having a crew member with hallucinogenic properties is kind of fascinating," Shepard shrugged, before sliding down so her head was on a pillow – hiding most of Shepard from his view.  
"Can you even...you know?" Shepard asked, making slight hand motions to illustrate her point. That, he could see.  
"It's not a difficult concept to figure out, Shep," Joker replied, leaning his head so he could watch her, “And...I think I can.”  
"So you've never...?"  
"Why are we talking about this?"  
"I might still be slightly drunk from my time with Chakwas..." Shepard realized, folding her hands atop her stomach, "And I'm just curious. These things float around my head all the time, and I never get the chance to just...ask. Most of the time when I talk to people it turns into this whole stop we have to make where I earn their respect."  
"I always wondered why it took us so long to get to places we were told to go..."  
"It's ridiculous. Every little thing that bugs them. 'We don't have to but it'll mean a lot to me if we go destroy this entire place or kill this person. It's no biggie right?' "  
"You can say no."  
"Then I turn into the cold-hearted bitch that everyone thinks I'm going to become. Or should be. Either way - you changed the subject."  
"Damn."  
"Well?"  
"No."  
Shepard blinked - apparently not expecting that answer, "Really?"  
"I'll take your surprise as a compliment."  
"I'm just...wow. How?  Aren’t you the same age as me?"  
"It's called being the awkward kid who breaks easily."  
"Pity sex?"  
"Nope."  
"Tell me you've had a girlfriend at least?"  
"Kinda. Not really. I throw myself fully into my work. Always have. Always will."  
"And you're not chasing Kelly because?"  
"Well..."  
  
Shepard rose a brow, turning on her side so she was fully facing Joker from her bed. The pilot's eyes drifted momentarily to her chest, before shooting back to her face, "There was one time...it was late. She was drunk."  
"She's a slutty drunk, isn't she?" Shepard was frowning, but appeared amused.  
"Yeah...yeah. She came on the bridge and...clawed at me."  
"Clawed at you?"  
"Grabbed at me, okay?"  
"In fun places?"  
"...It's not fun when you don't want it."  
"True. Sorry - continue."  
"Well I tried to be a gentleman. I like Kelly and didn't want her to do anything she regretted."  
"Such a gentleman."  
"Well...then she started kissing me."  
"On the mouth?"  
"At first."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah. It was a bit hard to stop her once she got a hold of...yeah. Endangered my manhood if I fought her. I didn't want to fight her either, since she might randomly turn into an angry drunk and seriously hurt me."  
"So you got drunk head on the bridge from Kelly?"  
"I have to admit - it felt fantastic. But like...after I felt guilty. Especially since she just giggled and wandered off the bridge. Her mouth still...full."  
"Wow."  
"Yeah."  
Shepard rolled back to her original position - staring at the ceiling.  
"At least you have interesting stories," she shrugged, "Plus she still talks to you - which is better than most stories like that."  
"She doesn't remember."  
"Awesome."  
"At all."  
"Really?"  
"I tried to bring up the subject, and she just started laughing about how she got so plastered the night before and didn't remember a damn thing. Then talked about waking up in the men's bathroom."  
"Classy."  
"Sex stories, Shep. Go."  
"Excuse me?"  
"I just told you something personal and lightly sexy. Your turn."  
"I told you that I don't trust who I am."  
"Not sexy."  
"I don't really have any sexy stories...that are funny."  
"You talk of sex so casually you have to have something."  
"I fucked Kaidan?"  
"Were you both sober?"  
"Yes."  
"Did it end funny?"  
"You called me to the bridge right after."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. I was terrified I reeked of sex for that last mission to defeat Saren."  
"So that's what that smell was..." Joker scratched his beard and smiled, causing Shepard to snarl at him.  
"Lies."  
"Okay I admitted I'm a virgin. I don't know what sex smells like."  
"We need to get you laid, my friend."  
Joker laughed in reply, shaking his head. His eyelids began to droop without his permission.  
"On that note, I'm passing out," Joker reported, snuggling into his position on the couch, "EDI has a course set for the Citadel. We found a few shortcuts and should be there tomorrow."  
"How?"  
"Out of Omega-4 Relay, into the Mass Relay that's right next-door, and that can throw us right next to the Citadel."  
There was a beat of silence.  
"You okay Commander?" Joker asked, his voice slurring from the fatigue kicking in.  
"Just didn't expect it to be so soon. Goodnight Joker."  
"See ya Commander." **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG CHAPTER.   
> Shepard/Joker banter makes life worth living, you know? They're both such sarcastic bastards that it's just all...amazing.  
> Yeahhhh.


	3. The Dark Star

Joker opened his eyes, receiving a jolt of panic from his surroundings. Instead of the underside of Donnelly's bunk, or the darkness of being face-down in his pillow...there was a ceiling. He held perfectly still as his mind sorted out the details. The smell of antiseptic drifted through his nostrils, causing the pilot to cringe.  
"Jeff," Chakwas' voice greeted from beside him. Slowly, his green eyes slid to the right – revealing the med bay of the SR-2.  
"Chakwas...how the hell did I get here?"  
"The Commander defeated Saren and the Collectors, and you don't think she has the capacity to safely move someone?" her voice amused, as she tapped upon a data-pad.  
"Right...just normally moving someone would wake them up."  
"It's Shepard."  
"Did she drug me?"  
"She said she knocked you out with some sedatives that would hold you for movement without disturbing you. What disturbs me, however, is how she got her hands on those sedatives..." Chakwas' voice drifted into thought, as Joker frowned. The water.  
"Great...getting drugged by my Commander."  
"You're free to go whenever you feel fit, Jeff. You're going to have to be on crutches for awhile to allow the bone to heal properly."  
Joker slowly nodded, rubbing his eyes, before locating his hat and grabbing the crutches.  
"Thanks for patching me up," he nodded, "I'll try not treat the lift like a slip-and-slide."  
"Especially when there are long hallways that would work much better," Chakwas nodded with a straight face, before turning to the other patients within the med bay.  
Carefully propping himself up on the crutches, the pilot made his way out of the door and headed straight for the mess hall – where a good portion of the crew was already eating breakfast.  
Gardner offered him a tray, before staring down at his crutches – realizing the man didn't have a hand to grab them with.  
"Keelah, Joker, what did you do?" Tali asked, grabbing the tray for the pilot – setting it down at the end of the nearest table.  
"Thanks Tali," he smiled, carefully setting himself in front of the food she had placed on the table. The quarian helped Joker lean the crutches on the edge of the table, before sitting across from him.  
"I slipped in something in the lift," he shrugged, digging through the decent tasting meal in front of him, "Real exciting stuff."  
"What did you slip in?"  
"Honestly I'm not sure. I'm guessing someone spilled some water. Didn't smell like puke or blood," he shrugged, placing a sausage in his mouth in thought.  
"To think someone would be that inconsiderate," Tali fumed – her three-fingers hands balling up.  
"Well to most, letting a bit of water drip onto the ground isn't the biggest deal. It's not like people are constantly thinking, 'oh better mop that up so Joker doesn't fall!' " the pilot made motions with his hands – his fork spinning between his fingers.  
"On the Flotilla, it was always normal to take responsibility for our actions," she nodded slightly, "After all this time, your race still confuses me."  
"They confuse me too," Joker smiled, glancing down at his food.  
"I don't understand."  
"I generally don't understand my own people," he shrugged, "Though I'm not the one sitting in the mess hall wearing an environmental suit," he teased, sliding more food into his mouth.  
"I'm technically eating..." she gestured to the front of her helmet.  
"It's fine – I understand," he smiled, before his omni-tool beeped. His wrist glowed orange as he activated the device and checked his messages.  
"Oh no. The Reapers have won. Sorry. Couldn't avoid it.  
-Gaz"  
Joker narrowed his eyes at the message – his still slightly drugged mind not connecting the dots immediately. Plus the use of the Commander's first name caused him to raise a brow.  
"EDI?" Joker asked, causing the holograph to appear just behind Tali.  
"What do you require, Jeff?"  
Tali flinched slightly at the voice – still uncomfortable with the ship being controlled by an AI.  
"ETA to Citadel?"  
"Twenty minutes, Jeff."  
  
–  
  
Shepard stared at herself in the mirror – nerves biting at the back of her mind. She had defeated Saren and exterminated the Collectors – and even a baby Reaper. Yet meeting Kaidan in the Dark Star actually caused her pause. The nightclub was trying to take a higher-end approach – rather than the normal blaring beats and flailing commoners. Kaidan's last message had seemed excited, but told her to wear...a dress.  
The woman stood in the bathroom, constantly pulling at every end of the dress. Only moments before, she had reported the discovery to her favorite pilot, who had replied with a simple, "Give 'em hell, Commander.”   
  
She was idly disappointed that he hadn't just played along. It would have been a nice diversion.  
  
"We've arrived at the Citadel, Commander," Joker's voice reported over the speakers in her room.  
"Good. Inform the crew they have shore leave for the next forty-eight hours," Shepard replied, as she carefully slid the wet-eyeliner brush across her top lid.  
"Aye-aye, Commander."  
"That includes you Joker," she smirked to herself – transferring the application tool to her other lid.  
"Noted, Commander," he laughed – causing Shepard's smile to widen slightly.  
  
Once her simple makeup was done, she paused and stared at her own reflection. Her auburn hair was pinned back – allowing a few strands of hair to remain by her eyes, as the rest curled behind her ears. Gaz's makeup was normally simple and only acted as a strange self-confidence booster. Today, however, she had actually spent time on each aspect – making it cleaner and more elegant. The woman studied herself in the mirror carefully – only pausing to remove a bit of eye-shadow from her freckled cheek.  
"EDI – remaining life-signs on the Normandy?" she asked, continuing to study her own appearance.  
"Most crew have already left for shore leave, Commander. The remaining crew is currently passing through the airlock."  
"Eager," Shepard whispered under her breath, before she turned toward the exit of her room. At least she wouldn't have to explain why she was dressed up to any of the crew as she exited the Normandy.  
  
–  
  
"Someone asked the bartender what rumors are in the area! Everyone do a shot!"  
Joker pulled back the small glass of green liquid – feeling it instantly burn his esophagus. Beside him, Donnelly laughed and slammed his own glass down.  
When Shepard had announced shore leave, Donnelly, Daniels, Patel, and Hadley had dragged Joker into the Dark Star for a drink. They were all caught off-guard at how the club had gone from flashing lights to a more 'up-end' sort of place. However, they still catered to the crew's needs. Lots and lots of alcohol.  
  
"We are all going to get alcohol poisoning..." Patel whispered, propping her head up upon her hands. She was part of the 'B-crew' which Joker had hardly seen before. Apparently she was actually the person who took over for Chakwas when the doctor needed sleep. He'd have to report his findings to Shepard.  
  
"That's the fun of a drinking game!" Donnelly laughed, clearly enjoying himself. Beside him, Daniels shook her head.  
"I wonder why people think the bartenders know everything. All they do is pour drinks and try to keep people from puking on the floor. I don't get it," she pondered, running her finger around the top of her shot glass.  
"Ah Gabby, it's a commonplace on Earth for bartenders to know everything," Donnelly smirked, the alcohol reddening his cheeks.  
"I know Kenneth," her voice slightly annoyed, "I was just wondering where it started."  
"No wondering. Oh – someone asked again! Drink!" cheered Hadley – a man who was one of the navigators aboard the ship.  
Joker smiled, shaking his head. This was the most fun he had in a long while. Hell – he didn't even know he needed a night out until they invited him. He adjusted the foot that was propped up on a chair beside his table – his green eyes scanning the room slightly.  
A woman entered the club – walking a bit too strongly for someone in heels. The outfit looked wrong on the woman – though not necessarily bad. It wasn't until she glanced toward him, did Joker realize it was his Commander.  
"Check out our Commanding Officer," Joker smiled, nudging Donnelly beside him.  
"She should fight every battle in that little dress," he half-purred, lightly punching Joker in the shoulder.  
Shepard continued walking, appearing a bit embarrassed that anyone had seen her. She took a seat at an empty table, appearing to tell off some turian who had already approached her.  
"I wonder who she's meetin'?" Donnelly asked, causing Daniels to peek over at Shepard as well.  
"I have some idea," Gabby smiled, settling back into her seat, as a dark-haired man approached Shepard's table.  
Joker frowned. He knew that awkward haircut anywhere. It was Kaidan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHEPARD IN A DRESS. THE REAPERS WON...unless you count the DLC Mission with Kasumi. I totally didn't own that DLC when I first wrote this.


	4. Let Loose

"Shepard," a low raspy voice greeted. Shepard's eyes fell upon a well-dressed Kaidan, who kindly smiled at her glance.  
"Alenko," she formally responded, as he took a seat across from her at their small table in the corner.  
"You look beautiful," he smiled, nodding slightly to her.  
"You still have a space-mullet," she quickly countered, arms folded across her chest. The woman was already beginning to have second thoughts about meeting him.  
  
'Relax, Shepard. Just see where things go,' she cautioned herself, taking a deep breath.  
Kaidan laughed under his breath, before shaking his head.  
"I'm glad you wanted to get drinks. I really fucked up on Horizon..." he scratched his neck, eyes dropping to the table.  
Shepard made a motion at the bartender, who placed two drinks at the table  
"Yeah, you did," her words were cold.  
Kaidan flinched slightly at her words as Shepard watched him. Her light brown eyes unkind and cold.  
"Can I just say something?" he asked, lifting his eyes to meet hers.  
"No one is stopping you."  
"I saw you die."  
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience."  
"No...not what I meant. See, you were dead. I mourned you. I moved on. Then...you were back. Without a word. From my side, it was like you somehow survived then avoided me for two years. And you know what? That hurt. That hurt a lot. To mourn someone's death – then surprise. They're not dead. Just hiding from you."  
"I wasn't hiding, Kaidan. I was dead."  
"I know...it's been explained to me now. All of it."  
"By who?" Shepard nursed her drink – her eyes watching him.  
"Why does it matter?"  
"It matters."  
"Joker.  
Shepard's eyes narrowed in thought, "When?"  
"It was one of the times you were on Omega. You weren't here for long, but he let me know ahead of time where you were docking, and how he wanted to explain it all to me."  
Her eyes slid over to Joker in the distance. He was clear across the Dark Star from them and with several crew. His broken leg was propped up on a chair – drink in his hand. They were all cheering and pointing at the bartender, who was now bowing to them. Even though the Dark Star had tried to clean up its act – it was still a nightclub. The music was just slightly classier and the clientele mostly dressed a bit nicer. Except for her crew, of course. They were all dressed in civvies – all more than a little casual.  
Shepard's eyes returned to Kaidan – who had been watching her.  
"Good to know," she finally replied, taking another sip of her drink.  
"I'm sorry," he replied a bit too quickly, "I just didn't know. My mind didn't exactly make sense of the fact that Cerberus had the power to bring people back from the dead," he shrugged, stirring his drink, "I was stupid with my words."  
"So what have you been up to?" she asked, asking for more drinks with the simple motion of her hand.  
"Changing the subject, are we?"  
"Yes."  
"Well I'm a Spectre."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah – considering how much you did as a human Spectre, they decided having others wasn't a bad idea."  
"I feel like a trend setter."  
"You really are. I've been just fixing little things here and there. Catching a few terrorists and such. Generally keeping the galaxy at peace."  
"Minus the Collectors."  
"From my side, we barely knew about them."  
"Human colonies were disappearing."  
"We did look into it, but couldn't find much. Honestly our best leads were that Cerberus was doing it – as I told you on Horizon."  
"Right. I guess it doesn't matter. Got it done without you," she smiled into her new drink – taking it down a bit too quickly.  
"We all can't be heroes, Shepard."  
"Really? Because every last person on the Normandy right now, I would consider a hero."  
Kaidan watched her – a slight smile on his face, "I'm guessing there's a bunch of human base crew – because of Cerberus – then you gathered a bunch of random aliens along the way."  
Shepard laughed, "It wouldn't be the Normandy if I didn't turn into a crazy cat lady of the alien sort."  
"Joker accuse you of that again?"  
"Almost daily."  
"Who'd you get this time?"  
"I got Garrus."  
Kaidan's expression changed slightly.  
"I got Tali."  
He nodded slightly – as if expecting her to say the quarian's name.  
"Had Liara for a bit. She's busy being the Shadow Broker now – though she helps whenever she can."  
His eyes dropped, "So you had a good portion of the old crew back."  
"Yeah. I couldn't get Wrex though. He's a clan leader now, you know."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. I miss my mountain," she frowned, "But he's doing good. I have another Krogan now. He's a test-tube kid from some science-war-lord who wanted to breed the perfect Krogan. Little guy for a Krogan. Calls himself Grunt."  
Kaidan smiled, "Something tells me he sees you like a mother."  
"Battle-master. But basically, yes. I also have a Salarian named Mordin. Genius geneticist. Though he tried to give me the sex talk for the various alien boys I have on board," she frowned, taking a long drink after a while.  
"Get involved with any of them?"  
"Nah," she shrugged, watching him over the edge of her drink, "I also have a Drell named Thane. He's a crazy assassin with a strange religious end to it."  
"Drell always make me uncomfortable with their perfect memories. Good thing you didn't sleep with him, or he'd recount it to perfect detail to anyone who talks to him about you," Kaidan smiled, shaking his head and laughing slightly.  
Shepard placed a hand quickly over her mouth to attempt to thwart any alcohol that wished to escape through her nose, "Holy shit that would be amazing."  
"Especially when in the middle of a fight or while meeting an important person."  
"If it all turned bad, I'd just blow him and start tripping balls," Shepard laughed fully, her body rocking and she shook her head.  
"What the hell?" Kaidan asked, laughing just as hard as Shepard.  
"Drell have skin like those frogs on Earth. There's a hallucinogenic property to them. Especially on their dong."  
"Wow, Gaz."  
"I know, right?"  
"I'm surprised there isn't some counter-culture into licking them."  
"I'm sure there is."  
"Gah, I need to shower..."  
Shepard laughed, shaking her head.  
  
–  
  
"DRINK!"  
"No...I refuse," Patel whispered – head down on the table.  
"It's the law, Patel," Donnelly fumbled over his words, "If there's no law – then it's all," he motioned with his hands, "just chaos."  
"While that was deep, I'm cutting you off, Kenneth," Daniels smiled, taking the drink away from him.  
"No! No, I'm fine!"  
"Joker – back me up," Daniels stared at Joker with eyes he didn't dare disobey.  
"Donnelly how many of me are there?"  
"That's easy – four."  
There was a beat of silence, as Patel disappeared to the bathroom.  
"I should probably make sure she's okay," Gabby sighed, keeping Donnelly's drink out of his reach, as she slowly followed the doctor to the woman's restroom.  
Dressed in a rather revealing dress, Kelly approached the table. The group had been watching the woman make her rounds of the men in the club, all night.  
"Oh hi guys!" she smiled, sitting where Patel had only been moments ago.  
"Kelly!" Donnelly called over.  
"Kenneth!"  
"Jerry!" Hadley called his own name, clearly irritated by both of them.  
Joker silently glanced over at his Commander and Kaidan. At first they had appeared to be uncomfortable. Shepard flat out looked irritated. Now, however, they were both laughing. Perhaps it was the alcohol – or maybe they just really missed each other and just needed to get past the 'death' and 'Cerberus' details.  
"How are you tonight, Joker?"  
His eyes darted back to the table. Kelly stared at his leg – having the seat just beside his awkward leg-chair.  
"It's always nice to get out and drink with friends."  
"Aye," Donnelly agreed, patting Joker on the back a bit harder than he was comfortable with.  
"How's the night been for you Kelly?" he asked, keeping his drink away from Kenneth, as he reached for it.  
"A bit dull. The men here are all so..."  
"Boring?" Donnelly guessed.  
"Not into whores?" Jerry tried, receiving a death-glare from Kelly.  
"Not in the mood to socialize with strangers?" Joker finally added, trying not to watch the progression of Shepard and Kaidan's meeting. Date? Whatever.  
"Exactly," she slurred over the word slightly as Donnelly's omni-tool beeped at him.  
"Bah – Patel is a messy drunk. I'm going to go help Gabby."  
"I need to see this," Hadley smirked, leaving the table to follow without a second thought.  
"Nah I'm good, I'll just sit here," Joker called after them, his tone bitter.  
"Those assholes," Kelly frowned, before her eyes slid over to Joker, "Want to get out of here?"  
"Sure."  
Kelly carefully helped Joker to his feet, before leading the way out of the club. His crutches clinked carefully after her, as Shepard's encouragement to go after Kelly rang in the back of his mind.  
  
Their trip was fairly quiet, minus a few bits of small-talk which were fairly mundane. She asked a lot about what Shepard was doing with Kaidan. Joker simply brushed it off as their Commander reconnecting with an old friend. Kelly smiled, shaking her head.  
"That woman just got us through a suicide mission and saved the lives of all her crew. I think she deserves a nice lay."  
Joker frowned. He never liked Kaidan and Shepard together...but if it made her happy.  
"Maybe. He was the one on Horizon remember."  
"Oh...that's right. He was so mean to her."  
"Yeah – thus them getting drinks."  
"Were they ever an...'item,'?" Kelly's voice resembled that of a teenage girl learning of new gossip, "When I asked Shepard about it, she was vague."  
"You know when we defeated Saren and Sovereign in the battle of the Citadel?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Well basically the night before that, she slept with Kaidan. They sort of had a thing before it, but nothing they acted on. After that, they were a bit of an item – but only if you were looking for it. Then...she died."  
Silence filled the rapid transit they were taking back to the ship.  
"Oh...I had no idea."  
"She's not a very open person about it."  
"That makes sense...you're fairly close with her, aren't you?"  
"I think she sees me like a pet."  
Kelly giggled, revealing the amount of alcohol she had had that night, "Nah, I think you're her best friend. I mean...in the grand scheme of things, you're her most loyal friend. You were there when she met the Normandy SR-2. Not Garrus. Not Tali. Not even Chakwas. Especially not Kaidan."  
  
The thought filtered through Joker's head for a few seconds, as the transit landed, and they began towards the Normandy.  
They entered the ship, Kelly smirking at Joker over her shoulder, "Want to see something cool?"  
"I guess. What is it?"  
"You don't venture around the ship much, I assume?"  
"No. Being a glass vase makes it not so appealing."  
"Is your leg okay to move around a bit more?" her voice hopeful. Joker was honestly a bit worried where she would take him – but he didn't have much else to do.  
"I'm fine. Where are we going?"  
"Well first I want to change out of this damn dress," she fidgeted with the straps of the dress, causing her chest to move more than normal. Joker's eyes couldn't help but appreciate the movement. They reached the crew's sleeping quarters, and Kelly bolted straight for her locker. Joker remained at the door, leaning upon the frame. He knew the censor made the door want to close on him – but a secondary censor kept that from happening as long as he remained upon the threshold.  
Kelly dug some more casual civvies out of her locker, before she reached for the back of her dress. Joker adverted his eyes by turning his back on the room. He heard Kelly giggle behind him, "Aren't you a gentleman, Joker."  
"I'd like to think I am."  
"Actually...I need help."  
Joker narrowed his eyes, "What's wrong?"  
"Zipper's stuck."  
'Am I in a porno?' he wondered for the second time in recent history, shaking his head, before he turned back toward the woman. The zipper on the back of her dress was down only a little. Her full lips were pouting at him. Yup, he was in a porno.  
Heading toward the woman with a few swings of his crutches, he leaning his crutches on the bed beside Kelly, before leaning himself against them for support, as he reached both hands for the zipper on the back of her dress. It actually was stuck. With a few tugs, it finally moved easily.  
"There ya go," he nodded, patting her back slightly. Her shoulder-blades were visible in the harsh light of the crew's quarters. They appeared pale – normal for someone who was in space for extended periods of time. She glanced over her shoulder at him, "Thanks!"  
Kelly pulled the zipper down the rest of the way, and let the dress fall to her ankles.  
She snorted as she reached for the dress by her ankles – apparently planning on catching it before it hit the ground, "Sorry – not exactly coordinated right now," she admitted, turning around as she stepped out of the dress. Her pale skin contrasted strongly with the lacy black underwear she had selected for the night. Joker fought to keep eye-contact, feeling incredibly awkward.  
"Oh shit – let me get out of your way," he said a bit too quickly, before he reached for his crutches. Kelly gently grabbed his arm, "You're not in my way," she protested, now petting his arm slightly with her thumb.  
"You're drunk," he added, his mind flashing back to the time she had pounced him on the bridge. It was all too similar – though she wasn't even half as drunk as she was that night.  
"I've had like two drinks," she protested, her voice growing lower, as she took a step toward him, "There's a room I want to show you," she grabbed her clothing from the bed, and carefully slid it on, "It's a storage room that isn't used for storage..."  
"What’s it used for?" Joker asked, as she continued to watch him while putting on clothing.  
"It can't be explained," she protested, before handing him his crutches, and motioning him to follow her. Hesitantly, he followed her to the not-storage room, where she waited for him to enter, before she turned on the dim light. Crates ran along the edges of the room – but a decent sized bed lay just behind some of the crates – out of view of the main door. A couch sat opposite to the bed.  
"It's a place to hang out away from people," Kelly smiled, as Joker studied both the bed and couch for stains, as he kept his distance.  
"Why are we here, Kelly?" he asked, noticing her closing the gap between them. She rested both her arms on his shoulders, before wrapping them gently behind his neck, "Because, I've always had a thing for the snarky pilot," she smiled, studying his eyes as she spoke, "Because, Joker, you were my first thought when the Collectors had me," her voice was now soft – though a slight slur gave away her mild drunkness, "Because all night I realized I was trying to find someone like you."  
  
Joker's heart pounding in his chest. He was almost certain she could hear it.  
"I had no idea..." he finally found some words, "...you had such low expectations in men."  
Kelly giggled against his chest – a bit too hard at the remark, "See? You're funny. Everyone else on the ship is so serious," she pouted again, as Joker began to feel the alcohol to his his system a bit harder. He had remained coherent over the past few hours – but the last round was definitely taking a hit to his mental sharpness.  
"Joker?" she asked, still hanging on him slightly.  
"What is it Kelly?" he asked – the contact between them still feeling strange.  
"Can I kiss you?"  
  
His past relationships had been...pathetic. While being the breakable awkward kid in school, he managed to have a few female friends – but they always laughed when he tried to pursue more. In later years, he had gotten a kiss once or twice – but nothing more. Having Kelly ask just felt...surreal. Normally he was the one asking permission.  
In response, he leaned forward, gently pressing his lips against hers. A giggle from the back of Kelly's throat caused her lips to vibrate slightly, before she began to kiss him back. His mind ran in badly drawn circles as they kissed. He could taste the alcohol in her mouth – but he knew he probably tasted just as strongly.  
  
Kelly pulled back from the kiss, and grabbed his hand – leading him towards the bed. His clouded mind didn't make sense of the action – so he simply followed through. Her next actions, however, caught him a bit off-guard. Kelly was already kissing him again – urging him to lie down as she did so. Her hands exploring his body, as her lips moved to his neck.  
  
Drunk Kelly was awesome...thought drunk Joker.  
  
She was careful of his leg and where she put pressure – apparently the alcohol wasn't knocking out of her memory of Joker's bone disease. For this, he was thankful...especially since in his current state of mind, it wasn't near the top of his thoughts.  
Suddenly, her her hands slid to the top of his pants, causing Joker to gasp slightly at the unexpected movement. The woman eagerly undid the top of his pants, and pulled him over the top – carefully to avoid the zipper.  
"What are you doing?" he asked, barely able to speak, as she began to stroke him. His hips rocked forward slightly at her touch. Eyes closed. This was new. And exciting.  
"Oh...big boy," she purred, before backing off for a moment. Joker propped himself up on an elbow to see what she was up to. His mouth fell open as Kelly quickly shed her clothing back to her panty-clad state. Climbing on top of him, she carefully avoided his leg, and rubbed herself on his manhood. Joker gasped – her mouth opening into a wide smile at his reaction.  
"May I?" she asked, reaching for the back of her bra.  
Joker nodded, his mind numb. Other parts not. It was honestly hard to make sense of what was going on for the pilot. All he knew was that when he woke up from this dream, he'd probably have to clean himself up.  
 **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THINGS GOT SEXY.   
> Also - space mullet.  
> Also - wet dream reference.  
> Yes good.


	5. Go

"Want to dance?"  
Shepard glanced up at Kaidan, her eyes narrowed, "You think I'm that drunk?"  
"Yes."  
Smiling, she took Kaidan's hand, as he led her to the dance floor. It was a slow song, so he pulled her close – moving slowly with the tune.  
"I didn't know you could dance, Alenko," Gaz teased, as he spun her.  
"I didn't know you could walk in anything other than combat boots," he replied, as the music's tempo began to rise.  
Shepard carefully moved a bit quicker, in order to knock him into a table. He stumbled slightly, before regaining control of the dance.  
"Everything's a fight for you, isn't is Shepard?" he asked, his voice not kind – his moves a bit more aggressive.  
"Is anything not a fight...ever?" she asked, holding an innocent expression, before smirking.  
"I guess when all you've done is fight for about a year straight, I can understand that outlook."  
"Nah, it comes from the fact that there are several mercs in here that possibly recognize us," she whispered, turning Kaidan so he could see a very specific side of the Dark Star.  
"Shit...what do we do?" he asked – Shepard able to feel his heart skip a beat in his chest.  
"I'm always your Commander, aren't I?" she asked, as the mercs approached – her eyes shooting to the table that had previously housed some of her crew. It was now empty.  
"Spin me," she ordered, “then roll me out. I can take out the closest merc."  
"I missed you," he smiled, before following orders. Shepard moved carefully, stabbing the merc in the throat with a knife she had previously hidden in her dress. The batarian fell silently. Luckily the crowd was thick enough and the movement was ordinary enough, no one had managed to notice the kill. Somehow.  
  
Kaidan pulled her back, his eyes shining. A grin upon his face. Shepard's expression was blank as she studied the next nearest batarian.  
"Most likely next round is going to alert everyone. I have a gun that would be pretty useful right now," she bit her lip in thought, "Okay this is going to feel weird."  
Kaidan gasped slightly, as she used him to cover the fact that she was removing a weapon from her inner thigh.  
"Would you like a gun or a knife?" she asked, as Kaidan's expression recovered.  
"I have biotics – you don't. You can have both."  
"Knife it is," she smirked, sliding the folded weapon into the palm of his hand, before she leaned close to his ear and whispered, "I duck down and start knee-capping the ones on the right, you warp the ones on the left...got that?"  
"I warp the ones on the left while you take the ones on the right."  
"Three...two...one...go!"  
  
–  
  
"Ahh..." Joker gasped as Kelly moved herself up and down slowly – her eyes never leaving his face. It was almost if she was studying him.  
"You think that feels good?" she purred, as she pulled him up slightly – forcing his back against the headboard – his pants quickly being ruined by Kelly's actions – for they were still over halfway up his thighs. Kelly had only managed to undress herself fully, before sliding onto him.  
She let herself move a bit quicker in this new position – Joker's mouth falling open as he gasped. Kelly giggled, throwing her head back, before leaning forward and passionately kissing the fragile pilot. He wrapped his arms around her as she moved. He grit his teeth, as both their breathing increased. Kelly suddenly became notably more audible – causing Joker to focus more upon the naked woman that was having her way with him. Her face distorted in ways he had only ever seen in porn. Mouth hanging open, he watched as she moved faster and faster – never hitting him hard enough to cause any damage. She finally let out a large gasp – and everything he felt of her tightened, increasing his pleasure ten-fold. A pressure was quickly building inside him – but Kelly slowed for a moment to regain her composure, before going all out. Her eyes focused upon him, as she quickly moved up and down – Joker bucking slightly with each thrust. Then – release. He let out a gasp, and grunted a few times, before relaxing into slow pants to catch his breath. His eyes studied her, as he smiled. That was...amazing.  
  
Kelly climbed off, and lay next to him – smiling, before she sat up and began sliding back on her clothing.  
"I'm glad I got laid tonight. I was afraid I'd be the only person on shore leave who didn't," she laughed, shaking her head. Joker remained in place – still breathing hard. Her words not sinking in, as he adjusted his now crooked hat.  
"What?" he finally asked, feeling a tingling sensation through his arms and legs. He half wondered if he somehow broke something but missed it because boobs were in his face.  
"You know – people try to get some when we have shore leave. A bit of a tradition. I struck out earlier," she shrugged, straightening her bra strap under her shirt, "Glad to have you, Joker," she kissed his forehead lightly, "I'm going to go rinse the sex off before people start coming back. Need any help getting somewhere?"  
Joker blinked, before shaking his head, "No...no...I'm fine."  
  
–  
  
"Well getting this drink with you, managed to kill ten batarians," Kaidan frowned, as they left the Dark Star, shortly after the authorities questioned them and found out that they were both Spectres.  
"Sounds like an average vacation to me. Skyllian Blitz?"  
"Ha...right. I forgot about that."  
"I try to. Though people like to bring it up."  
"People like the past like that. Tend to focus on it and ignore the present."  
Shepard stopped and watched Kaidan for a moment.  
"What is it, Gaz? Everything all right?"  
"I'm not sure."  
"What's wrong?"  
"People tend to think about the past, which overshadows the future," she stated – rewording his earlier words.  
"It's true."  
"I wish it wasn't."  
"Gaz?"  
She placed a hand on his shoulder, "If I concentrate on the past with you, I can trick myself into ignoring the fact that you've been an ass to me. If I actually pay attention to now, I think of the other crew from the SR-1 days, and how they all had my back without hesitation. Tali and Garrus stopped their lives to come back to the Normandy. Wrex supported me without even a second thought. Liara uses her information to constantly help us," her voice was growing heated, "Joker was there right at the beginning with the Normandy."  
"It's not the Normandy, Shepard. It's a different ship," Kaidan's voice was cold.  
"Then I'm not Shepard. I'm a different person."  
"You're right," he threw up his hands in defeat, and started to walk away, "I don't know who you are. You aren't the woman I fell in love with over two years ago. You aren't the woman who defeated Saren. I don't know who you are," his eyes narrowed, as he continued to back away from Shepard, "This was a mistake. Goodnight," he shot her a half-hearted wave, and disappeared into the crowd of the Citadel – leaving Shepard standing alone. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention I wrote this before ME3, so the whole 'Kaidan is a Spectre' thing wasn't based on anything.   
> Also - SEX, VIOLENCE AND ROCK AND ROLL.  
> Kaidan and Gaz give me feelings. They are both so easily irritated from each other, yet have feelings. IT'S SO SAD TO WRITE.


	6. Observation

Joker stood in the shower, running his hands through his hair. He felt...unclean. Dirty. Scrubbing the soap over his arms and body again, he attempted to find a freedom from the feeling. His mind raced back to his time with Kelly, and how she had just...left. Like it was no big deal. Ensnare the snarky pilot with a quick flash of boobs and quite a bit of alcohol, and he was apparently an easy lay. And he hated that. Slamming the water off a bit too hard, he swore under his breath as his hand throbbed unpleasantly. He grabbed a towel, quickly drying himself off, before he slid on a new set of clothing – considering Kelly stained his last pair. He exited the bathroom after sliding his hat over his slightly damp hair. A soft padding of feet caused the pilot to slow his loud movement. Shepard idly walked down the hall toward the Starboard Observation deck. Samara normally hung out there – but Joker was aware that Thane had plans with the lovely blue one, which didn't involve being on the ship for the next two days.  
Joker paused, watching as the door closed behind Shepard, before pursuing. Something seemed off about the normally borderline cocky swagger that his Commander normally had. The door opened in front of him, revealing Shepard sitting close to the glass. She glanced over her shoulder at him – makeup smeared slightly under her eyes.  
"Commander," he greeted, unsure if he should enter. As if sensing his hesitation, she patted the floor beside her.  
Carefully, he moved toward her – sliding himself to a sitting position by the dress-clad marine. His crutches clinked softly as he sat them down next to him.  
"How are you?" she asked, watching him.  
"I had...a night."  
"A night?" a smile tugged at the sides of her lips.  
"Not good enough to be called good. Not bad enough to be called bad," he explained, carefully stacking his crutches beside him, "Bout yours?"  
"I had a night too," she nodded – her heels – appearing broken now – sat beside her. A bit of blood stained the bust of her dress, and a few rips gave her a fake slit on the side of the knee-length dress.  
"Did the Reapers win?" he asked, not wanting to push.  
"Actually...yes," her eyes were focused on the stars outside the window, "They kind of did," she paused, appearing to sniff the air, "Joker...did you get laid?"  
"How...I just got out of the shower...how...?"  
"You're a morning shower man," she observed, "Every time I see you in the morning, your hair is still wet under your hat and you smell of soap."  
"So taking a shower at night automatically means sex?" he frowned, appearing annoyed  
Her light brown eyes studied him, "Are you okay, Joker?"  
  
Shepard never asked if he was okay. She always found ways around it to make his ego stay intact. After the Collectors had cleared out the ship, she had told him to let her know if he needed anything. She was supportive – not directly asking what was wrong. This...felt weird. Yet, he wanted to tell her. Gaz Shepard was honestly his closest friend. Most people on the ship ignored him or treated him strange.  
  
"Kelly," he sighed, scratching his neck, "But that's all I'm going to say. Now you have to say what's up with you," Joker smirked, pulling at the brim of his hat.  
"I killed ten batarians."  
"That sounds like the fun aspect of the night."  
"It kinda was. Your turn."  
"Alcohol and the 'storage' room."  
"Sex room?"  
"How does everyone know this but me?"  
"Because you live in the cockpit."  
"Ouch. Your turn."  
"Dancing."  
"Whoa," Joker leaned his head to the side, "You danced?"  
"Yeah...it was unique."  
"Was it combined with the batarians?" Joker's voice sounded hopeful.  
"At first yes."  
"You're my hero."  
"Your turn."  
"Patel drank too much and threw up," he changed subjects, staring out the window.  
"Just when we were getting somewhere..."  
"I'm slowly painting you a picture of my evening."  
"Fair enough. My turn. Lots of...talking."  
"Vague statement is vague."  
"I learned you had a meeting with Alenko."  
"I don't like when people treat you like shit, Shepard. It pissed me off so I wanted to set it straight. Not because I gave a damn what he thought about you, but because I didn't like him treating you like that."  
"You really don't like Kaidan, do you?"  
"Nope."  
"Your turn."  
Joker paused to consider, "Oh – Patel is totally medical staff."  
"Really?"  
"Yes."  
"Damn. I should go talk to her after the shore-leave."  
"And go."  
"Well there aren't many little details to fuck around with. Basically in my evening I charmed the fucking pants off of Kaidan, then realized getting back together with him would be a giant mistake."  
"You dumped him?"  
"He kinda brought it on himself. He started talking about how people let the past overshadow the present and I realized the only reason I was giving him a chance was the past."  
"Past isn't irrelevant."  
"Look at Garrus. Wrex. Chakwas. Liara. Tali. Especially you. I was dead. You came back. You trusted me. Hell – you were sitting right next to the new Normandy like nothing had ever changed," a smile pulled her lips into a warm expression, "My scruffy pilot – just as ready and eager as ever. Not even two years of death could stop you from being the best."  
Joker smiled, feeling his cheeks grow a bit red at her compliment.  
"So what happened to you?" she asked, nudging him slightly – causing her dress to rip more, "Shit..."  
"Can't we just keep talking on how I'm the best. I like this topic," he smiled, as Shepard pressed her hand against the glass of the observation room. She simply looked over at him with a lightly amused expression, before stealing his hat – placing it over her battle-messed hair.    
"Holding my hat hostage?" he asked, as she leaned away from his reach.  
"Yes."  
"Okay...so I went out drinking with Donnelly, Daniels, and a few others."  
"I always liked them."  
"Me too. Anyway, Patel ended up getting sick, and everyone decided to go help out – which left me alone at the table. Kelly came by and we went back to the ship."  
Shepard watched him – still guarding the hat with one hand. Her eyeliner had smeared under her light brown eyes – possibly from sweat or combat. In the strange light of space, her olive skin appeared to match her light brown eyes exactly, as she carefully listened to Joker – her expression still holding a bit of amusement.  
"Then she showed you the room of shame?"  
"No, then she went to change out of her dress because she wanted to 'show me something' but was 'tired of being in a tight dress.' "  
"This can only end in nudity."  
"Her zipper stuck."  
Shepard snorted, her expression beginning to shine with pity, "Joker, is your life a porno?"  
"Yes. Because I helped her with her zipper, and she just let her dress fall."  
Gaz openly started laughing, before she got control of herself again, "Sorry...sorry. This is just...just continue."  
"Eventually she got dressed and dragged me to the room I had never heard of. Then she said all these...nice things to me."  
Shepard's expression changed quickly, realizing the seriousness of the situation, "Oh..."  
"Really nice things. Well it doesn't matter. She stole my virginity. Yay. Not a thirty-year-old-virgin anymore. You should be proud. Finally got laid by Kelly. Apparently I always follow your orders."  
"Then what happened?" Shepard asked, appearing annoyed at the mention of Kelly's name.  
"She left."  
"Left?"  
"Yeah...I was just a shore-leave lay. Back-up for not finding some turian or drell to hump."  
"Worst psychologist ever," Shepard spat, her voice clearly annoyed, arms crossed over her chest. Joker quickly stole his hat back from her. She barely reacted.  
"It's not a big deal. Just kinda made me feel a bit..."  
"Dirty. When you get used for sex, you feel dirty."  
"Yeah. That."  
"What a day," she sighed, "But yay sex!"  
"Yay..."  
"Kelly's a bitch. The next person you lay with – try to have it someone special and count that as the first time," she smiled, patting him on the shoulder.  
"Hopefully it won't take over thirty years again."  
"It won't," she smiled at him.  
Joker smiled back, appreciating the woman before him.  
"Anyway, I'm tired as shit. Need a hand?"  
She gracefully stood – carefully helping Joker to his feet.  
"Sleep sounds like a good idea," he agreed, as Shepard handed him his crutches.  
 **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love their relationship so much I want to cry. And I want to hug Joker. So many feeling aAAAaa


	7. Strange

Down to her underwear, Shepard stood in front of the mirror – her words with Kaidan still blaring in her head. The conversation about 'being Shepard,' with Joker countered Kaidan's pointed statements...but she could still feel them. Using a single finger, she pressed her nose to the left slightly. Where there had once been a hole for a nose ring, now had solid flesh. She hadn't worn the stud since pre-Alliance times, but it was a nice reminder to her past. Turning so her back was to the mirror, she stared at the blank canvas that was her back. Originally, there had been a tattoo on her left shoulder-blade that had her N7 status immortalized. She turned slightly to stare at the top of her shoulder. When she lived on Earth, she had a tattoo of a triceratops right at the round of her right shoulder. She also had a bellybutton ring and a tattoo of an Elvish saying from Lord of the Rings around her left ankle. All traces of those marks were gone. Scars from her various fights were missing too. All the physical history on Shepard's body was gone.  
  
"Giselle Alice Shepard?" she asked herself, as her personal console just outside the bathroom beeped. Exiting the bathroom, she was surprised to see a message from Miranda.  
"Commander,  
There are a few matters I'd like to discuss with you whenever you are free.  
-Lawson."  
Shepard slid on a t-shirt as she typed, "Lawson,  
I'm still up if you need to talk. We can wait until morning if you'd prefer.  
-Shepard"  
She slid on a comfortable pair of pants she normally slept it, ruffling her hair which barely made it past her chin. Again, her console beeped.  
"Commander,  
I am still awake.  
-Lawson"  
"Hm," Shepard tilted her head in thought, before she fed her fish and headed down to the Crew Deck to see her XO.  
  
"Shepard," Miranda greeted, also in her own sleepwear. Instead of her annoyingly tight black Cerberus uniform, she was in a black tank-top with comfortable sleep-wear pants, similar to Shepard's.  
"Lawson, what can I do for you?" she asked, sitting in the chair opposite of the XO's desk.  
"To bring you back to life, I dedicated my life to you," she began, noticing a strange tone in the woman's voice. Had she been drinking?  
"Which I appreciate," Shepard nodded, feeling uncomfortable as Miranda watched her.  
"When you destroyed the Collector Base, you turned your back on Cerberus," Miranda stood from behind her desk and began pacing – making Shepard's uneasiness only grow, "Cerberus was my life, Shepard. They took me in when I had nothing."  
Gaz remained silent, adjusting the black sweatshirt she wore over her t-shirt as Miranda spoke.  
  
"But – then you became a friend to me. Better than any friend I've ever had – especially Niket," Miranda's perfectly symmetrical face distorted in the memory of her childhood friend turning his back on her, "Better than the Illusive Man, even. You helped me with my sister. You gave me purpose."  
Shepard silently began wondering if she was about to see Miranda attempt to seduce her. The urge to flee tickled the back of her neck even harder at the thought.  
"I do what I can for my crew," Shepard replied – attempting to make her actions toward Miranda look like nothing special.  
"Shepard, how do you do it?" her blue eyes narrowed in what almost appeared to be pain – halting just next to her desk.  
"Do what, Lawson?"  
"You care."  
Shepard blinked. The Ice Queen was apparently starting to thaw. The Tin Man was wondering where his heart was...well in this case, Tin Woman.  
"Is there something more specific on your mind, Lawson?" Gaz asked, tilting her head to the side. The smell of her own shampoo comforted her against the strange behavior of her XO.  
"I am a Cerberus Agent, Shepard. You turned your back on them. Since the Collector Base, I've spent all my time to hide you from the Illusive Man. He's trying to have you arrested, Shepard – but he's hoping to lure you back as a pawn for later use – thus the fact we're still flying. I've managed to disable EDI's connection to him, with the help of Tali'Zorah. I've also managed to disable the direct link he has through the ship. He's sent me countless messages – and I keep telling him that the Normandy SR-2 received extreme damages while outrunning the exploding Collector Base."  
Shepard blinked, "So it's only a matter of time-"  
"Before we're grounded," Lawson finished, crossing her arms in front of her chest – finally settling back into her chair.  
Gaz slowly nodded, taking a deep breath, "I really appreciate what you've done for both me and the crew of the Normandy, Miranda," Shepard nodded, purposely calling her XO by her first name to make it seem more heart-felt.  
"As I said, Shepard, you're more than just a war hero. I know I'm not alone in turning my back on Cerberus to help you," she nodded, mindlessly pulling her hair away from her face, and offering Shepard a slight smile.  
'If she's so perfect, why does she have a gap between her teeth?' Shepard wondered absently, before returning the smile, "I'm glad I've earned such a high respect with you, Miranda."  
  
"Anyone who doesn't show respect for you, is honestly an idiot. Speaking of idiot, how did your drink with Kaidan go?"  
Shepard blinked at the personal direction this conversation had taken. The alcohol in her XO's system was slightly more obvious now in the way she held herself. Slightly drunk Miranda wasn't so bad.  
"Eh – men are idiots," Gaz shrugged, leaning her head back against the chair.  
"Indeed they are," Miranda shook her own head, taking a drink out of a wine glass that seemed to appear out of nowhere.  
"Enjoying your shore-leave I see?" Shepard smiled, motioning to the glass.  
Miranda's mouth curled at the edges, "You could say that."  
"Anyway, I should get going. I had a rather long day."  
"Feel free to stop by whenever, Shepard. My door is always open to you," her words slurred slightly at the end, causing Shepard to hide a laugh with a cough.  
Exiting Miranda's office, she headed for the elevator, surprised it stopped on the next floor up. Kelly entered the lift, smiling at Shepard with her normal cheery demeanor. Joker's evening, however, overshadowed Shepard's normal inclination to be nice to the woman.  
"Commander," she greeted.  
"Chambers."  
"Please...call me Kelly."  
"How was your evening?"  
"Quite lovely, Commander. The Dark Star is such a lovely place."  
"Just drink and fraternize with the crew?" Shepard asked, as the lift slowly moved.  
"Can I tell you a secret?" she was nearly bursting at the seams, "Commander?"  
"Sure, Kelly."  
"I had such a lovely evening with...Joker!"  
"Joker?"  
"You know – the cute pilot."  
"I know who he is, Chambers," her voice came out a bit rough, "What happened?"  
Kelly simply giggled, as the lift apparently chose priority to down rather than up, and let Kelly out back on the Crew Deck – ignoring Shepard's wishes to go to her own room.  
"Be gentle with him," Shepard replied, as the woman exited the lift.  
"Of course I will. He's literally fragile. It makes it so...dangerous," her voice pulled into a low purr – making Shepard instantly uncomfortable, "Though it was just a casual thing. Probably won't happen again," she half shrugged, before disappearing onto the Crew Deck.  
The lift started up again – hoisting Shepard to her loft at the top of the ship.  
"Whore," she whispered, shaking her head. **  
**


	8. Caught

"I wonder if Thane is sleeping with Samara..." Donnelly off-handily asked, as the same group as the night before sat in a decently sized diner on the Citadel.  
"Doesn't she have like a code or something?" Gabby replied, as their food arrived.  
"But they both have that 'zen' thing going, you know? The whole 'I will brutally murder everything you love, then pray for my forgiveness,' sort of thing," he shrugged, as Joker accepted his food from the rather busty waitress. She smiled at him specifically, before leaving the table.  
"Waitress wants your nuts, Joker," Hadley remarked, smirking, before taking a bite of his food.  
"She just likes the hat," he reasoned, pulling on the bill of his cap before taking a bite of his burger.  
Patel snorted from her face-down position on the table.  
"How's the hangover?" Gabby asked, petting the girl's arm.  
"I want to drink the grease off of Joker's burger," she mumbled from beneath her arms. Her food hadn't arrived yet.  
  
The pilot tapped her on the shoulder, sliding his plate over to her. The woman picked up her head – lifting a brow towards the Helmsman.  
"What?"  
"We ordered the same thing. You're dying. Go for it."  
She smiled at him – eyes studying the bite he had already taken out of it, before quickly sliding the food into her mouth. Her expression reminded Joker of the faces Kelly had been making during their evening together. He quickly adverted his eyes, and concentrated on drinking his water.  
"You are an amazing person. I will give you free drugs from the medical bay for life," she purred as she chewed the meat.  
"Keep your panties on, Patel," Kenneth cautioned, "Or in second thought – let them fly!"  
Gabby punched him in the shoulder, as the empty spot in front of Joker was replaced with a new burger.  
"So what happened to you after we went to help the drunky?" Hadley asked, receiving a death-glare from Patel.  
"Kelly and I got bored of the club, so we headed back," he shrugged, scratching the leg-brace under the table. Damn thing would hopefully be removed soon.  
"Did you get some?" Kenneth asked, eating the fries from his BLT.  
"Some what?" Joker genuinely asked before connecting the meaning with the words, "I mean..." he paused, noticing the entire table was watching him, "That's private."  
"So are her boobs closer to an A or B?" Hadley asked, motioning across the table to Joker.  
"Nothing happened," he lied, adding pepper to his fries. He hated the taste of ketchup and knew salt was bad for him, so he always opted to over-pepper his fries.  
"Really?" Donnelly challenged, before he reached into his pocket and placed Joker's wallet on the table.  
The Helmsman froze, before he quickly tapped his pockets.  
"Great...you've learned how to pick-pocket. We're all doomed," Joker reasoned, attempting to keep his expression calm.  
"Or I visited the storage room myself last night," Donnelly smirked.  
"Because Gardner asked you to grab him some food for any crew who stayed aboard today," Gabby added, causing the proud look on Kenneth's face to fade.  
"Quiet, woman."  
Gabby smiled.  
"Anyway, found this under the bed," he motioned to the wallet.  
Everyone at the table watched Joker – even Patel from behind her burger.  
"I was...grabbing some supplies for the Commander."  
"Damn...he bedded the Commander," Hadley shook his head, smirking.  
"A toast!" Kenneth raised his glass.  
"No...no! She wanted some..."  
'Shit...what do they store in the storage room?' Joker's mind raced.  
"...extra food for her own room. She was feeling a bit under the weather and ran into me. She figured having food in her room would make the healing process easier."  
"Fairly certain she slept with Kaidan last night," Kenneth replied, arms crossed as he leaned back in his chair, "Just tell us Joker! We're your friends."  
"I have to admit I'm curious," Gabby shrugged, as she ran her fork through her rather delicious looking chicken salad.  
"C'mon Joker," Patel quietly begged, smiling at him between bites of burger.  
"Fine...fine. Yeah, I slept with Kelly last night."  
"A toast!"  
"A toast to the thing that probably everyone at this table has done!" Hadley interrupted Kenneth's toast, saying it in an equally cheery voice. The entire table grew noticeably uncomfortable.  
"What?" the pilot asked, choosing to eat his fries rather than raise his glass.  
"Kelly...is a particularly sensual individual. I can think of five people from the ship she's slept with without hesitation. A few are at this table."  
Joker choked on his fries.  
"I have. Kenneth hasn't. Gabby...?"  
"Hasn't," she half-growled.  
"Patel has," Hadely continued, causing the woman to throw a fry at him, "Goldstein has. Hawthorne has. Matthews has."  
"No surprise there," Kenneth added – giving Gabby a smile.  
"Wow...I had no idea," Joker frowned, scratching the back of his neck.  
"And with a gimp leg. Damn Joker," Hadley shook his head, "She's a good lay," he shrugged, causing Gabby to frown.  
"Anyone how Shepard's date went?" she forced a subject change, taking a rather large bite of her chicken.  
"That's her business," Joker mumbled, feeling a bit sick.  
"It looked like it was going well," Hadley shrugged, eating his steak, "She probably got some too, as I said."  
"Nah – I saw her this morning. She looked...sad," Patel quietly inputted, appearing still a bit shaken about the announcement of her lesbian night with Kelly. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really attached to this group of friends for whatever reason.


	9. Ringing

With shore-leave over, Shepard felt a sense of relief about being in open space once again. The only problem was that she had no clue where to go next.  
"You're like a hyper child in an empty room," Joker teased, as she leaned on the back of his chair in the cockpit.  
"I'm used to being busy. I've had nonstop missions since I woke up from being dead. Now what?"  
"Commander?"  
"Joker?"  
"Lucky day – distress call on a planet we're slowly passing. Apparently mercs have decided to raid a random town."  
"Trap?"  
"Not likely. Though there seems to be a lot of Blue Suns down there."  
"More than a normal raid?"  
"Quite a bit."  
"Time to go save the day."  
  
–  
  
"Garrus – concussive shot on the asshole with the rocket launcher on the bridge," she called, over the loud thunder of gunfire on both sides.  
"My pleasure, Commander."  
"Samara, push those bastards that are getting close."  
"Yes, Commander."  
Shepard quickly leaned over a crate, firing her assault rifle at the nearest thug. He fell back quickly, as the head-shot scattered his brains.  
"Fifteen!" she called out, as Garrus replied with, "Twenty."  
She frowned, taking aim of several more mercs, firing at their heads in quick succession.  
"Twenty-one."  
"This seems a bit barbaric, Commander," Sarmara's soothing voice accused, as she dropped a crate on top of a small group of mercs, with a simple twitch of her hand, before switching back to her pistol, "Though if I must play – eighteen."  
The head-shot-counting game was always a nice distraction from the fact that they were brutally murdering people.  
  
Grenades started falling over them like rain, causing their cover to be quickly eliminated. Shepard fell back, ducking down beside Garrus.  
"How many of them are there?" he asked, switching to his sniper rifle, "Cover me."  
"Maybe these are Geth with people skin over them. They just keep rebuilding and recycling skin," Shepard suggested, taking out several mercs that had gotten close with her shotgun. The recoil sent a pleasant vibration through her shoulders.  
  
"That is...somewhat horrifying," Garrus replied, as Samara threw a group of seven off of the cliff to their left.  
Seeing cover a bit further than from where she had been before, she informed Garrus of her intended action, before sprinting across the battlefield, sliding to a stop behind a metal junction box. To her left, a grenade went off, causing the woman to cover her face. It was a bit too close – causing her exposed ears to ring. She continued firing at every merc she could see – shouting orders over her radio at her squad – but unable to hear their response through the ringing.  
As the ringing began to calm, she noticed that they were shouting at her. Glancing to her left, she noticed a heavy-mech. The woman licked her lips in surprise – unable to hear its approach until this moment. She turned to run, only to hear a quick beeping just underfoot.  
She was thrown off of the ground from a rather powerful grenade – her hearing gone into a sharp ring yet again. Shepard hit the ground hard – pain erupting in several parts of her body. She tried to regain her composure, but the heavy-mech had already started firing missiles at her, throwing her off her feet each time she righted herself. She shouted into her radio for Garrus and Samara's help – even adding that she couldn't hear their voices. Gaz continued to run – her body screaming in pain. She couldn't separate herself far enough from the mech to get a single shot at it. Each time she tried, another shot hit her barely working shields. Her run turned into a limp as she watched a merc on the bridge aim his rocket launcher at her. She quickly raised his pistol, but another hit from the heavy-mech threw her to the ground. Her shields were fully gone – her breath silently raging in her throat, as the ringing continued to silence her world. She stared down at her hands, as she tried to crawl behind a crate. Everything kept blinking to black for a moment. And she wasn't blinking.  
Another hit from the heavy-mech. No shields. Everything hurt. The missile from the merc on the bridge hit just in front of her, blinding her momentarily. She couldn't stop. She beat the Collectors. She beat Saren. Now a merc band was going to kill her? This was...pathetic.  
She coughed as she crawled – blood hitting the long grass. Her hearing cleared to reveal the screaming of both Samara and Garrus – apparently able to see Shepard but unable to do anything. She attempted to crawl one more time, before she felt the heat of another hit. This time her world grew small. The only thing she could see was the blade of grass in front of her. The explosion had removed her hearing again. The darkness of her vision seemed to grow. Then something landed in front of her. It was spherical and blinking.  
"Oh for fuck's sa-"  
Everything went red.  
Then white.  
Then black.  
The squealing ring of the grenade was the only sound. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CRITICAL MISSION FAILURE.  
> Doodooodooodooo...


	10. Awaken

"How is she doing?"  
"I don't feel the word 'good' is appropriate here – but better than before."  
"Any permanent damage?"  
"Too early to tell. She nearly died. It's a miracle we have a pulse at all."  
Shepard opened her eyes, feeling a sense of deja vu. The smell of antiseptic. Kaidan standing by her bedside. Chakwas calmly pushing away his worries.  
'I was just hit by the Prothean beacon,' she realized, silently wondering why the lights were so bright. Weren't the lights in the med-bay a sort of blueish color? Somewhat dim? And why was Kaidan wearing that uniform? What happened to his Alliance Blues? Why did he look older? Why was Chakwas wearing black and white with that strange logo? Why did the room look different?  
Shepard frowned, before attempting to speak, "Wha-?" her voice instantly cracked – reminding her of...something. Some time she had awoken after a long time. The memory itself seemed to be hiding from her, however.  
"Gaz," Kaidan smiled – her memory taking her back to that same expression – only he looked younger. The room was darker and more blue. Why was the room so bright?  
"What?" she repeated, "What's going on?" her voice was rough. It felt unused.  
"Welcome back to the world of the living, Commander," Chakwas warmly greeted, folding her hands behind her back, "What's the last thing you remember?"   
  
"I..."  
Being appointed to the CO of the Normandy flashed in her head. Anderson's sacrifice to allow her to continue with her mission to stop Saren. But a specific last memory? She couldn't pinpoint it. Images floated around in her mind that didn't make sense. She shook her head – making the room spin slightly.  
Shepard groaned.  
"Easy, Commander," Chakwas cautioned, placing a delicate hand upon her arm.  
"I remember the Normandy," she motioned around her, "Best damn ship in the Alliance fleet. Half built by turian engineers," she smiled, still proud that this was her ship, "I remember..." she noticed the expression change upon Kaidan's face – instantly shooting to Chakwas. The older woman held a cool expression – making a few notes on her data-pad she had retrieved when Shepard wasn’t paying attention, "I remember...becoming a Spectre? I remember...Joker's awkward story about being named Joker," she frowned in thought, "Ashley...I killed her," the emotion waved over her a bit harder than it should have – eyes growing glassy from the thought, "I didn't want to make that choice – but the bomb had to be protected," she defended herself, "I..."  
Kaidan offered her a sad smile, taking her hand.  
"Where do you think you are right now, Commander?" Chakwas asked, breaking Shepard's concentration on pulling memories out of her cloudy mind.  
"The Normandy Sick Bay. Though it looks brighter than I remember."  
"Can you tell me the ID number of the Normandy?"  
"SSV."  
Kaidan's grip on her hand increased.  
Had she answered wrong?  
"It's S-something-V. My mind is a little cloudy," she frowned, noticing how most of her body was wrapped in various bandages and braces, "And why are you in that uniform, Chakwas?"  
"This uniform?"  
"Yes."  
"This is my uniform Commander."  
"No – that's not Alliance."  
"Kaidan – why don't you go get something to eat in the mess, you haven't eaten in quite some time."  
Alenko frowned, "But she's awake."  
"Let me speak to her alone, Alenko."  
"Yes ma'am."  
Shepard silently watched him leave.  
"Is he starting to gray? When did that happen?" Shepard asked, following Kaidan's movement as he left.  
"Shepard, you were out for an entire Earth-day."  
"Explains the headache..."  
"You were attacking mercenaries on a small planet with a tiny human colony. Do you remember that, Commander?"  
Smell of blood. Grass. Grass in her face. Panic. Ringing.  
"Just...senses. Nothing solid."  
"You nearly died there. You were overwhelmed. Kaidan happened to be on the planet as well as saved your life. Garrus and Samara were pinned down on the opposite side of the field from you and couldn't help."  
"Happened to be on the planet...what?"  
"You've clearly suffered a severe concussion, Commander, for your recent memories are technically nearly three years old."  
"Three years-?"  
"You defeated Saren. The SSV Normandy was destroyed and you died in the accident. Cerberus," she pointed to the logo on her uniform, "Picked up the pieces and brought you back to life in a non-metaphorical fashion. They brought Joker and myself back on this vessel – the Normandy SR-2. You recruited: Tali'Zorah, Garrus, Grunt, Thane, Samara, Zaeed, Legion, and Jack. Miranda Lawson was head of the group that put you back together and is the XO on this ship. You then defeated what the Reapers did to the Protheans – known as Collectors."  
"I think I'm going to be sick..."  
  
–  
  
Joker silently sat in the mess, pushing his food around his plate. His bullet-proof Commander had nearly died. Again. And that asshole Kaidan had saved her.  
"Mind if I sit here, Joker?"  
The Helmsman raised his eyes at the familiar voice. Kaidan. He resisted the urge to narrow his eyes at the man, and simply nodded. He wished that Garrus or Tali was in the area, so Space-mullet would sit by them instead. Kaidan always preferred his squad-mates above Joker.  
"How's she doing?" Joker asked, stabbing the food on his plate without looking up.  
"She's awake. Memory seems a bit off though."  
"Off?"  
"She thinks she's on the SSV."  
Joker nearly dropped his fork, before taking a deep breath, "Probably a concussion. She'll be fine."  
"Hopefully."  
There was an awkward pause, as both men silently ate. Finally, Kaidan felt the need to break the silence.  
"So...how are you doing?"  
"How am I doing?"  
"That's what I asked."  
"Generally enjoying flying the Normandy again," he smiled at his plate, "I actually got to do some exciting maneuvers with her when we were dealing with the Collectors."  
"She's not really the Normandy, Joker. I hope you know that."  
"Then that's not really Shepard," he met the man's gaze, and pointed at the med-bay with his fork.  
"Funny – she made that exact comparison to me the other night."  
"That had to go over well."  
"Yeah...no."  
"Shepard's touchy on the subject of 'not being Shepard.' I mean think about what she's been through."  
"Yeah...I know."  
"Hell maybe with the concussion she won't remember Horizon or your recent date and you'll get a shot again," Joker's words didn't sound pleased.  
"You seem a little defensive over the Commander, Joker."  
"She's my friend."  
"No, she's your Commander."  
"I was there the second she got off of the Cerberus base with the Normandy at my side – not questioning her once.  Where were you?  I think I've earned her friendship."  
"That's called being obedient," Kaidan didn't look up from his meal.  
Joker licked his lips, "Then what are you?"  
Kaidan lowered his fork and stared at Joker, "Her and I were involved Joker. It makes everything more complicated."  
"How?"  
"It just does."  
"Losing her hurt me too."  
Kaidan's looked away from the table at Gardner who was having an argument with Donnelly about the meal, "We wouldn't have lost her if it wasn't for you, Joker."  
  
The Helmsman tightened his grip on his fork, intently staring at his food.  A beat of silence passed.   
"Fuck you, Kaidan."  
"I mourned her. That's why this is hard. Can't you see that?" Kaidan continued, as if he hadn't just gravely insulted Joker.  
"My SSV hat is still on her memorial. I mourned her too, asshole. Don't act like you're the only one who cared about her."  
"I loved her. Having her ripped away from me was the hardest thing I've ever had happen in my entire life."  
"If you ever actually felt anything towards her, the use of 'love' there wouldn't have been past-tense."  
  
Kaidan slammed his fork onto his plate, and folded his hands behind his tray, "Why don't we just talk about this like civilized people instead of constantly throwing insults at each-other?" he asked in an annoyingly calm voice.  
"Why don't you shove that fork up your ass?" Joker replied in an evenly calm tone. The quick tapping of boots quickly came to a halt beside them. Miranda Lawson leaned on the edge of the table – her eyes scanning both of them, "Do we have a problem here?"  
She had taken over as the CO since Shepard had come back critically injured. Joker had to admit she scared the shit out of him – but she was damn good on getting on top of things before they spiraled into anything big. He quickly had to stop his mind from taking that thought into something entirely different - though quite a bit more enjoyable. Her breasts being this close to his face wasn't helping the thought, however.  
"No ma'am," Kaidan quickly insisted, grabbing his tray and leaving. Joker swore at the man under his breath, and continued pushing his food around. Surprisingly, Miranda sat across from him. He glanced up at her, "Good morning, Executive Officer Lawson," he evenly stated, taking a sip of his water.  
"Moreau," she nodded, "My title is a bit of a mouthful, isn't it?" she frowned. Joker awkwardly ate more of his food, not used to the rather busty woman talking to him. At least she wasn't wearing Samara's outfit. There was no way he could keep eye-contact with that asari.  
  
"May I inquire what your argument with Spectre Alenko was about?" she asked, causing Joker to frown. Kaidan was a Spectre now? What the hell...?  
"Kaidan was being an ass," he spoke informally, "Blamed me for Shepard's death and was attempted to defend his actions against Shepard in an annoying way," he reported, pausing to chew his food. Miranda awkwardly nodded, before continuing, "Is his presence on the ship going to be a problem for you?"  
"He and I never really got along. Not going to change now."  
"Will the other original Normandy crew have a problem with him?"  
"He and Garrus were friends. They should be fine. I always assumed he had a thing for Tali – so that should be fine too. Chakwas saw him like a pet, so again – fine. Though I know she's annoyed at him for his actions towards Shepard."  
Lawson nodded, her hands neatly folded in front of her, "Right..."  
"You're doing a good job as acting Commander," Joker ventured, always wanting to be on the good side of the Ice Queen.  
"Really?" her face appearing surprisingly vulnerable.  
"Yeah – like that could have gotten ugly between Kaidan and I. Ugly meaning I throw my eggs at him, and he biotic warps me to death. Or biotic-pushes me into that wall so hard I shatter," he laughed under his breath – surprised to hear Miranda's own laugh.  
"Then Gardner would have to scrape chunks of you off the floor and walls, and probably end up adding them to lunch..." she frowned in distaste – Joker's eyes widening at the disturbing joke she just told.  
"Huh – didn't know you had a fucked up sense of humor too."  
"Being somewhat fired from Cerberus is letting me relax a little," she admitted, before rising to her impressive height, "Anyway, have a pleasant day, Moreau."  
"You too, Lawson." **  
**


	11. A human thing

Shepard watched as Chakwas moved about the med-bay – silently doing reports, cleaning things, and tending to anyone who came in and complained of some small aliment.  
Most of her memories were escaping her, but she kept finding new ones every once in awhile. She remembered Saren shooting himself in the head. She remembered Kaidan breaking into her quarters and the nudity which followed. Her own death was even present in her mind – her final moment before being pushed away from the ship. The look on Joker's face. Then she remembered the look on the very same man's face as she saw him standing next to a window that led to the SR-2. Her first moments after waking up from her death-nap lingered in the back of her mind. Jumping out of the Collector Base. The basics were there. Little thoughts kept seeping into her head, filling in the details.  
"How are you feeling, Commander?"  
"Like the time I was kicked in the back by a donkey," she frowned, before smiling.  
"New memory?"  
"From my childhood."  
"Good...well not good that you were kicked by a donkey."  
"It was quite exciting. I actually flew."  
"Only works if you're wearing a cape, Commander."  
"Sadly I wasn't."  
Chakwas smiled, before tapping on her data-pad.  
"How am I actually doing?" Shepard asked, sighing.  
"Honestly, better than I thought. Those cybernetics that Cerberus put in you saved your life."  
"I thought Kaidan saved my life," she narrowed her eyes, before making the connection that they both played a part. Having a hazy mind was starting to get on her nerves.  
"They both did."  
The med-bay door opened, revealing Joker on his crutches – who instantly shot the Commander a wide grin. She quickly returned it.  
"Weird to see you actually relaxed."  
  
"You slept on my couch," she retorted, the memory slipping into her mind upon view of his leg brace, "You've probably seen me sleep."  
"Actually I passed out before you did, then woke up in here," he pointed to the med-bay.  
"Right..."  
"Anyway, Chakwas? I believe today is the day."  
He eagerly sat down on the bed beside Shepard, as Chakwas held up a scanner to his leg.  
"Indeed it is, Jeff. The bone looks whole yet again," she smiled, as she began detaching the leg brace.  
"So how long are you stuck in here, Commander?" Joker asked – Shepard noticing a slight pained expression on his face.  
"No idea. Chakwas?"  
"Honestly I'm not sure either. I've never dealt with someone with such advanced cybernetics. Your bones have already begun to meld. Organs are cleanly healing."  
"Fancy," Joker commented, as the leg brace was slid off his leg. He gasped slightly at the cold air touching his bare leg.  
"Nice to be free?" Shepard asked, as Chakwas placed the brace behind her.  
"Amazing," he smiled, as Chakwas excused herself to the restroom.  
"Joker...can I ask you some questions?"  
"Of course, Commander. Heard your mind is a bit fuzzy. I'd be happy to fill in the gaps."  
"No idea if you'd know this...but how do I feel about Kaidan?"  
Joker frowned, not liking the question she had chosen, "Kaidan?"  
"Yes. Alenko. I keep remembering counter-thoughts on him. In one I'm happy with him, others I want to set him on fire."  
"I'm not sure either, Shepard. You went on a post-Horizon date with him recently and he called the Normandy not the Normandy – which meant you weren't Shepard."  
The conversation rang in the back of her head, causing the woman to roll her lips in, "Oh...right."  
"But he saved your life."  
"I didn't remember the date until—"  
The memory of her and Joker sitting in Starboard Observation Deck flooded her memory. Their conversation about how their nights hadn't gone as planned. Kelly. Kelly had done something to Joker. 'What...?'  
"What did Kelly do to you? I can't remember."  
"She slept with me," he said without hesitation, eyes on his feet, as he sat on the edge of the bed beside Shepard.  
"Right...right! Right..." she frowned, remembering the emotions associated with that entire night, "Sorry I brought it up."  
"It's fine. Glad to see you awake, Commander."  
  
–  
  
Time slowly passed for Joker around the Normandy. They had done a few small 'missions' to various planets with Miranda in charge. She normally took Jacob and Kaidan with her – dominating whatever they found with their biotics. Joker silently sat in the helm, making conversation with EDI more than he used to. Today was no exception.  
"Jeff, are you alright?"  
"What's wrong with me, EDI?" he flatly asked - noticing how EDI would ask a vague question first. She was slowly figuring out how humans communicated. It was a bit creepy, honestly.  
"You appear to be performing at a higher capacity than normal."  
"Wouldn't that be a good thing?"  
"It is unusual, therefore notable."  
"Just focusing on work today."  
"The latest medical report from Doctor Chakwas suggests that the Commander will be able to leave the medical bay by the end of the week."  
Joker frowned, wondering why EDI would bring that up, "Glad to have her back soon."  
"Yeoman Kelly is headed toward the helm," EDI suddenly warned. It had taken some time, but he had trained EDI to announce whoever was headed in his direction before they could arrive. Quite handy – especially with a lack of Shepard visiting him.  
A few seconds later, he heard a knock on the wall – as if asking permission to enter.  
  
"Afternoon, Kelly."  
"Hi Joker," he could almost hear the smile in her voice.  
"What can I do for you?"  
Their interactions since 'the night' had been limited, even if their bunks were right next to each other. Nothing more had been said than friendly remarks and occasional small-talk.  
"Just wanted to say hi," her voice dropped slightly, as she walked further into the cockpit – leaning on the back of his chair in a similar fashion that Shepard normally did. A strange pang ripped at the back of his mind.  
  
"Hello," he greeted, shooting a side-glance to EDI, "Say hi to Kelly, EDI."  
"Good afternoon, Yeoman Kelly Chambers."  
"How are you doing, EDI?"  
"I'm currently making two-hundred-thousand-million calculations with dynamic variables. I am performing quite well today."  
"Good to hear, EDI," Kelly laughed.  
Joker smiled at EDI's second sentence. It was almost endearing on how she attempted to throw in human remarks.  
"So Joker..." Kelly began, leaning a bit harder on his chair. He would have just turned and faced her, but she seemed insistent to just lean there.  
"Kelly?"  
"Want to check inventory in the storage room with me again tonight?" she asked – her voice so sweet, he would have missed the sexual implications if it hadn't been for their previous encounter.  
  
He paused, honestly unsure. The fact that she was passed around the ship like a bong made him a bit uncomfortable. Then again his mood had been so dull lately. He visited Shepard whenever he got on and off of shifts. Sometimes she would be sleeping, and he'd just leave a note saying 'hi' by her bed. He noticed that Kaidan was also doing something similar – which irritated him and often soured his mood. Shepard's memory was mostly back, though she seemed distant. Weak. Sad, even. He always tried to think of new and exciting ways to fix her mood – but nothing ever worked that well.  
  
Now as he glanced up at Kelly – who winked at him – he couldn't help but be tempted.  
"I get off my shift in four hours."  
"See you in four and a half," she winked, before disappearing.  
EDI waited until Kelly was out of earshot before asking, "Jeff, I already have a full inventory of what lies within the storage room. Your work with Chambers is not needed."  
"No one takes inventory in their, EDI."  
"My censors were damaged in their within the first week of the Normandy SR-2's flight, Jeff. I can't know everything."  
Joker laughed slightly, "It's just a human thing, EDI."  
"I don't understand."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love EDI. I love Joker. Their relationship is fascinating. For those of you who think it's out of character for Joker to say yes to Kelly after his reaction last time...I'm a college student. I have watched this 'mental arc' happen more than once. At first they're shocked by their actions. Regret it. Feel dirty. Over time, however, they accept it and even repeat it. It's weird. I can see this happening to Joker by talking about sex with Hadley, Donnelly, and crew. Especially bored from a lack of Shepard and constant presence of Miranda.


	12. Scream for me

Kaidan smiled as a drink was slid across the table to him. The woman across from him smiled back, as she took a sip of her own drink.  
"This is high quality," he remarked, sniffing his glass of wine, before tenderly taking a drink from the tall glass.  
  
These evening meetings had become quite commonplace for Kaidan. Normally after a mission, they'd gather in Miranda's office and discuss tactics. Sometimes they would bring food from the mess. Tonight, however, Miranda had pulled out a rather well-aged bottle of wine. Jacob, however, wasn't present, since he had been forced to use more biotic power than he was used to – tiring him out. Miranda and Kaidan, however, were both wide awake.  
  
"I only drink the best," she shrugged, her accented words somehow making each statement seem fancier than it actually was. He had a feeling that she could utter the most foul swear of all time and it would still sound proper.  
"That mission went...well..." he awkwardly stated, reclining in his seat.  
"Minus the fact that Jacob nearly passed out," she frowned, taking a long drink of her wine.  
"But he didn't," Kaidan pointed out, "We just need to stay closer together to avoid things like that in the future."  
"We normally do – we were just forced to separate," Miranda reminded him, sliding into a more reclined position herself. She was wearing a sleep-wear outfit that reminded him of Shepard's. Black tank-top – though it had a Cerberus logo in the top right corner – and dark gray pants. Her bare toes wiggled as she thought. He fought a smile at the odd habit. Her toe-nails were neatly painted black – not a single chip in the shiny surface. Kaidan's eyes slid to her fingernails, which remained clear – though perfectly manicured.  
  
"So you're a human with biotics," Kaidan began after a rather lengthy pause between them, "I'm sure you have some interesting story with how that came to be."  
Miranda smiled – the alcohol already warming her expression. She was a light-weight, apparently.  
"My father genetically engineered me to be perfect. The end."  
"What about your mother?"  
"Don't think I had one. Possibly an egg my father stole or something," she shrugged, "For my mother was truly an incubator," she took a long drink of her wine – her hair falling back across her shoulders as she leaned her head back.  
"Wow...I'm sorry."  
She shrugged, refilling both of their glasses, "He was controlling and manipulative. I ended up running away and the Illusive Man somewhat...adopted me," her eyes narrowed with a strange expression, "Made me who I am today," she glanced out the window, "But I threw that away when Shepard turned her back on Cerberus and blew up the Collector Base. I chose her side instead of turning her in. The Illusive Man probably wants me dead now..." she trailed, drinking more wine.  
  
"How are we still operating if someone as powerful as the Illusive Man wants this ship dead?"  
"It's only a matter of time, Kaidan," she tipped her glass slightly in his direction, "The Illusive Man is allowing the ship to move around to see what Shepard does. He initially was sending me questions daily...but he stopped," she frowned, staring into an empty corner of her room – one arm folded over her chest, while the other cradled her wine glass. Her toes continued to wiggle as she thought.  
"Wow...I had no idea," Kaidan shook his head, drinking his own glass slowly.  
  
–  
  
"Joker!" Kelly smiled, already in the storage room – the door was locked until he messaged Kelly to let him in. She was dressed in a rather small nighty, and smelled sweetly of strawberries, "You came," her voice lowered, as she wrapped her arms around his torso.  
"Not yet," he smirked, causing Kelly to laugh against him, "Though any real reason why you wanted to do this again?"  
  
While he had been bothered by it at first, his mind had defused the situation over the previous few weeks. Openly talking about sex with Hadley, Donnelly, Matthews, and even Daniels – never person specific of course – had made it seem less...bad. They didn't need to know he lost his virginity to a woman who was sleeping her way across the galaxy – which remained his only sex over his entire life.  
Kelly pulled him into a kiss, quickly getting to the action. Feeling less awkward this time, he backed her into a wall – getting a purr of approval from the small-statured woman. Her lips moved to his neck, getting a few gasps from him, before her hands slid behind his neck – accidentally flipping his cap off of his head when she tried to run her fingers through his hair. They both ignored it. Joker pressed himself against her, her hands wrapping behind him – pulling him against her even harder. Kelly's hands slid up through his hair, causing the back of his neck to tingle from the pleasant sensation. Her hands then slid to his belt, eagerly undoing the clasp – before she undid the button and zipper of his pants – allowing them to fall to his ankles. She paused to smile at his boxers.  
  
"Spiderman?"  
"He's my hero," Joker nodded, gasping as her hand slid in the little flap in the front of his underwear. The pilot quickly learned that the Yeoman hadn't chosen to include any panties with her rather appealing attire, as he repaid the favor she was giving him with her own hands. She moaned at his touch – causing his green eyes to eagerly watch her expression. Kelly pulled him down on the bed on top of her. The pilot half-tripped over his pants – which were still around his ankles. Kelly laughed quietly as he took the time to remove his shoes, then his trousers from around his ankles. Chambers removed his shirt with one swift motion, leaving him only clad in his boxers. He pulled at her nighty, awkwardly getting it stuck around her head, before it was on the ground beside the bed. Both laughed for a moment, before she leaned down and ran her tongue along Joker's shaft – getting a rather enthusiastic reaction from the man.  
This entire thing was surreal while sober.  
She slid his boxers off, before pulling him on top of her. He smiled down at the woman, before he pressed himself lightly against her opening – his tongue exploring her neck. She pressed back against him – sliding him slightly further in. Joker gasped at the sensation. He was used to her being on top. This entire scenario felt backwards – but he enjoyed the sensation of power he had over her. With one swift motion, he slid himself in, getting a loud moan from Kelly. Yeah, he could get used to this sex thing.  
  
–  
  
"So Shepard hasn't managed to turn you against me yet, huh?" Kaidan asked, crossing his arms in his own sleep-wear, as Miranda set her empty wine-glass down.  
"I saw how hurt she was after Horizon and how shaken she was with your post-Horizon message. But honestly I see both sides," she shrugged, straightening the strap on her tank-top.  
"Good...good..." Kaidan slowly nodded, finishing his own final glass of wine.  
He studied the woman slightly. She was – as she admitted – perfect. Gorgeous. Brilliant. One of the best biotics he had ever seen, too. Miranda Lawson made him forget Shepard – a woman who had caused him nothing but pain over the last few years. Not nearly as brash as Shepard. Everything she was thinking was fully out in the open. No guessing. Just Miranda. Yet the only reason he was on this ship was Shepard. He had saved her from certain death. But...she had pushed him away on the Citadel. His mind wandered slightly, as Miranda smiled at him.  
"So what is your involvement with Shepard, currently?" Miranda asked – as if reading his mind.  
"Hopefully after saving her life, I've regained 'friend' status," he shrugged, "I have been talking to her in the med-bay. It's all a bit awkward."  
"Would it be strange if I asked you out for dinner when we stop for supplies tomorrow?"  
  
–  
  
"Harder..." Kelly demanded, digging her nails into his back. Joker's legs were aching – sweat causing his forehead to shine. It was so much easier when she was on top.  
"Can...can..." Joker began, distracted by her moaning, "switch?"  
In one swift movement, Kelly was on top of him. This time, she was not gentle. Joker closed his eyes at the quick movement he wasn't able to replicate a moment ago, since his leg muscles still weren't the strongest – as well as a fear for his bones. His hands rested around her sides, as she moved atop him. She tightened and screamed in a way he hadn't heard before – his eyes wide with her reaction. His breath caught in his chest as her attention turned back to him. Kelly's piercing eyes were fiery and determined – hands pressed against his shoulders.  
"I wanna hear you scream," she borderline hissed, honestly scaring Joker a bit, as she thumped on top of him. She began kissing his neck again – her hands exploring the rest of his body, as she continued her movement.  
Joker's eyes closed – allowing his mind to wander slightly.  
"Scream for me..." her voice low. Much lower than normal. Almost sounded like...Shepard. His mind instantly replaced the cheerful Yeoman on top of him, with the lean and tan body of his Commander. Her light brown eyes eager – short auburn hair blocking her face as she concentrated on him. The light freckles under her eyes barely visible in the dim light of the storage room.  
Joker moaned, the woman on top of him moving harder.  
"Scream for me..." she repeated in the same voice.  
Joker grew louder, feeling the pressure building with more and more force.  
"Cum for me..." she hissed, and Joker moaned a single word, before a few rhythmic grunts echoed out of his lungs.  
Joker opened his eyes with a relaxed smile on his face. That felt...amazing. However, the expression on Kelly's face caused his smile to disappear. She seemed...confused.  
"Did...I do something wrong?"  
"Wow...I had no idea that I was just-"  
"Kelly?"  
She climbed off of him, appearing a bit phased by something, "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked after a moment, sitting on the edge of the bed – arms wrapped around her chest.  
"Tell you...what?"  
"The last thing you moaned before you came."  
Joker attempted to remember, but all he thought of was the pleasure of it – sending a smile across his face, "What...what did I say? I don't remember."  
"Shepard."  
 **  
**

**-**

How did this happen? Kaidan looked next to him, and felt a sense of betrayal in his own senses. After far too many glasses of wine, he had gotten a bit too...easy. Miranda rolled over with a smile still on her face – causing Kaidan to relax slightly. What was with him and sleeping with the woman in charge? He shook his head slightly, as she rolled back towards him, leaning her head against his shoulder. Her pale skin was stunning in the starlight that filtered through her windows – contrasting harshly with her dark hair. She moaned slightly in her sleep – arms tightening slightly around him, before she finally settled.

_'What have I done?'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhhhhhhhh shit!
> 
> This entire chapter is just one giant "holyshitfuckballs – what just happened?" I know the Joker/Kelly stuff was a bit more 'brutal' than last time. It seemed fitting, for whatever reason. Kaidan is in rebound mode – and we all know Miranda is a really lonely Ice Queen. At least in my head. I know I didn't write-out the sexy-timez with Miranda/Kaidan...but I wanted it to feel sudden and be a surprise. It felt more appropriate. I like how four people in this chapter got laid. Hahaha. What the hell am I writing?


	13. The shower after

Joker stood in the shower, allowing the warm water to fall over him.   
He was in...shock. At first Kelly had seemed phased by his accidental speaking of the Commander's name – but it quickly switched to something that possibly made him more uncomfortable. She started asking questions. First it was simple, 'do you have feelings for-' blah, blah, blah stuff. Then it got...weird. Kelly began asking if he wanted to call her Shepard in bed. If he wanted her to dress up. Style her hair different – for her and Shepard had a similar length and color. Even wearing contacts was offered. It was disturbing how willing she was to play into this apparent fantasy. This time, Joker had been the one to leave quickly – heading straight for the showers.  
  
Again, he was scrubbing himself, feeling dirty. Why had he said that name? Had it just been because Kelly's voice was low? That was probably it. He hadn't been sleeping well, and his mind filled in a gap. That was all. Nothing more.  
  
The door to the shower opened, causing Joker to grunt in disapproval. He hated when people walked in while he was showering. He was used to it – sure – just didn't like it. Joker shot the newcomer a side-glance as the shower next to him turned on.  
Kaidan?  
The man pretended to not notice Joker, as he scrubbed himself in a similar fashion Joker had.  
  
"You never struck me as a middle-of-the-night-shower-man," Joker awkwardly began, rubbing his own hands in his shaggy brown hair.  
"You never struck me as a talk-to-naked-men-in-the-middle-of-the-night-man," Kaidan countered, allowing the water to just fall over him.  
"We all have our off-days," Joker shrugged, rubbing his shoulder. He felt sore everywhere from the somewhat violent-for-him sex he just had with Kelly. At least the warm water was helping...somewhat.  
"So...what are you doing up?" Kaidan finally asked, rubbing soap on his arms.  
"Weird night," he admitted, "Started awesome...then got really weird."  
"Same, actually," Kaidan paused in his motions, before continuing.  
"What happened to you?" Joker idly asked, rinsing the shampoo out of his hair.  
"I'll only tell if you tell me what happened to you," Kaidan quietly replied, eyes fixed to the wall.  
"Are we in high school or something?"  
"Considering this is basically locker-room chat, it wouldn't surprise me."  
"What makes you think I'll share?"  
"I'm guessing you won't – so I won't have to either."  
Joker felt a sense of competitiveness surge through him.  
"Why wouldn't I?"  
"Because we were dangerously close to fighting physically not too long ago."  
"Physically meaning I throw a utensil and you force-push me through the wall and into space?"  
"Yeah, pretty much."  
"I slept with someone and called them by the name of someone else I wasn't expecting," Joker rattled out, causing Kaidan to actually turn his head and stare at him.  
"That isn't okay."  
"I know! It just...happened."  
"Person an ex?"  
"No."  
"Someone who 'got away'?" Kaidan continued to question, returning his eyes to the wall.  
"Not...really," Joker reasoned, not wanting to give away who it was.  
"Then what's your connection to the person?"  
"Friend. Didn't think I thought of them that way..." he frowned.  
"I'm really hoping it wasn't me."  
"Oh god...no! Not into that at all," Joker shivered slightly, shaking his head.  
"So...who'd you sleep with?" Kaidan asked, appearing to relax slightly to Joker's right. It was weird that he was having this conversation with Kaidan in the first place...let alone while showering.  
"So how was your night weird?"  
"You didn't finish your story. Who?"  
"You're an ass."  
"I'll be vague about my story too. And it's a good story."  
"Fine. Kelly Chambers."  
"Redhead who's Shepard's assistant?"  
"Well technically Miranda's now, but yeah."  
"Nice," Kaidan complemented, "She's not bad on the eyes."  
From the corner of Joker's eye, he could see Kaidan smiling. Something about it creeped him out.  
  
"Yeah," Joker awkwardly agreed.  
"But whose name did you shout out?"  
Joker blinked, realizing if he told the truth, he'd probably die right here. On the spot. Naked and wet in the men's bathroom. He silently reflected on his life and how it led to this moment. Leaving the world wet and naked was oddly poetic. Like being unborn. Huh...  
Or he could lie.  
There were several sets of boobs around the ship that he had fantasized about. Samara. Tali. Miranda. Daniels even.  
"...Miranda," he quickly lied, not convincing himself with his own words.  
Kaidan froze, "You have feelings for Miranda?"  
"...apparently?"  
This entire thing was getting more painful by the moment.  
"Well then my story is going to make you unhappy," Kaidan's words were too happy.  
"Why?"  
"I slept with Miranda tonight," Kaidan's voice borderline defensive – as if she was some piece of land he had just conquered.  
"Wha...What about Shepard?"  
"I'm moving on with my life."  
And Kaidan quickly dried off and left the bathroom – leaving Joker feeling confused, an oddly aware of the fact that he was still naked.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATTRATIVE NAKED MEN TALKING ABOUT SEXY THINGS. I mean...er...what a lovely chapter diving deep into Joker's psyche on his views of death and acceptance of it. Yes. That. Awkward everywhere. Why can't they all just be friends? AND WHO WILL END UP WITH SHEPARD? Dun dun dunnnnn.


	14. A gift

Joker limped down the small shopping district, eyes scanning the large windows of the stores. He wasn't sure why he had left the ship – but he felt compelled to. Shepard got out of the med-bay for the first time in a month later today – a bit faster than Chakwas had been expecting. Something compelled Joker to get her a little something. Some sort of 'welcome back to the world of the living' gift. His mind wandered as he watched Miranda – decked out in a short-cut dress, and Kaidan walk by and head for a delicious smelling restaurant. Joker frowned at them, before his green eyes slid to the right. The shop beside him was a pet store, having a cat adoption fair. A smile tugged at his cheeks at the thought of a kitten. Mindlessly, he wandered in – quickly greeted by the young asari behind the counter.  
"Looking for anything specific today, sir?" she delicately asked, as he walked over to the cages filled with cats and kittens.  
  
"Just looking. Is it okay if I just bat at your cats for awhile?" he asked, carefully lowering himself in front of the cages.  
"Go for it! I do it whenever I have a break," she admitted with a smile, before another customer came in and began speaking to her.  
  
Joker's eyes scanned the various cats – most of which were sleeping. A small dark-gray kitten sat in the middle of its cage – staring at him. Joker sat squarely in front of the bottom cage, and stared back, pulling at the bill of his hat with a grin. It mewed at him – walking to the front of its cage. Joker's eyes jumped to the little tag of information about the kitten. It was a boy, three months old – currently going by 'Fuzzy.'  
He batted at the cage, causing the little light-gray-eyed kitten to bat back at him. Joker smiled, petting the tiny thing through its cage. His mind wandered back to one of the many conversations he had with Shepard over the past month. One was actually about cats.  
"I actually grew up with them," she smiled, "Stray cats technically when I was older. But when I lived in the orphanage, there was a local cat. He was named Potato."  
"Potato?" Joker asked, laughing, as he helped slide her water closer to her.  
"Yeah. All brown. Fat. Loved to snuggle. Best cat ever."  
Joker's smile grew wider – his eyes sliding to a display of collars. There was a small adjustable one that was white – with a red-strip in the center. That cat could be N7 armor in adorable form. His eyes sparkled at the idea. Carefully pulling himself to his feet, he limped back to the asari.  
"I...think I shall be getting Fuzzy today," Joker smiled, causing the asari's expression to brighten.  
"Yes! I love that little thing! He's so tiny and fluffy," her blue hands balled into fists, "I thought I saw him playing with you."  
She studied Joker slightly in a fashion that he had caught Kelly doing the day before he had called her Shepard in bed.  
"Ha...yeah. I can't resist anything that cute, I have to admit," he sheepishly added, pulling at his hat.  
"Do you need all the extras with the cat?" she asked, walking out from behind the counter.  
"Yeah – minus collar. Already picked that out."  
The asari smiled warmly at him, before helping him choose a bed, toys, waste-box, food and water dish, and scratching post. She included food for free in the deal.  
With the items on the counter, she walked over to the cage and pulled out Fuzzy – resting him against her shoulder. The little kitten mewed – staring right at Joker. He couldn't help but smile at the little thing.  
She placed the kitten in a temporary cardboard carrying cage, sliding a blanket for him to snuggle and one of his new toys.  
After all things were gathered, the asari informed him that all would be delivered in about ten minutes.  
Joker thanked her, and limped back to the Normandy, excited to see Shepard's expression at her new little friend.  
  
–  
  
"See? He loves the fish," Joker smiled, sitting on Shepard's couch as the new kitten explored. EDI had actually helped him by letting him into Shepard's quarters and even made suggestions to help the kitten feel more comfortable. Apparently EDI had a soft-spot for cats.  
  
The N7 cat sat in front of the fish tank, happily watching his friends swim around. Occasionally he'd bat at one, but the fish seemed to be uncaring about the tiny fuzz-ball that wanted to eat them.  
"The kitten is exhibiting signs of comfort for this new area," EDI stated, causing the kitten to stare at her hologram nearby.  
"Where's Shepard?"  
"She's currently leaving the medical bay, and headed for the lift. The words she is currently speaking are, 'Freedom sweet fucking freedom,' " EDI played back Shepard's voice, causing Joker to laugh – though he swore he could hear a weird clicking in the background. Was she on crutches?  
  
After a few moment, the lift opened and Shepard entered her room – jumping slightly at Joker's appearance.  
"Joker? What the hell...?"  
He motioned with his chin to the very content N7-kitten, who was still happily watching fish. For a moment, Shepard was perfectly still – crutches hanging loosely under each arm.  
"Is that a...?"  
"It's a kitten. With N7 colors," Joker smiled, as she quickly swung herself toward the kitten. The little ball of fur mewed at her – allowing the woman to pick him up.  
"Holy shit you got me and N7-kitten," her face practically glowed with happiness.  
"I wanted to get you something as a 'welcome back' gift. Saw it while hobbling around the space-station," he shrugged.  
The kitten purred loudly as Shepard held it, her eyes closing the sound.  
"Joker..." she smiled, setting the kitten back in front of the fish tank.  
"Shepard..." he mimicked, mocking her voice the best he could. It wasn't very good.  
She moved herself over to him, pulling him into a tight embrace. The pilot remained frozen for a moment, before hugging her back. He rested his chin slightly on her shoulder – enjoying the softness of her N7 hoodie under the roughness of his beard. His mind danced back to his mistake with Kelly – realizing why he had done all of this for her. Suddenly, he felt incredibly awkward.  
  
She pulled back, setting herself on the couch beside him – watching her new friend make friends with the fish.  
"What are you going to name him?" Joker asked, as Shepard carefully propped her feet up on her end-table.  
"Not sure yet," she admitted, glancing around the room as she noticed all the little kitten-features that were new. Waste-box just inside her bathroom door. Cat-bed beside her bed. Food and water bowl by her desk. A few toys lay within his bed.  
"It's so nice to be out of the damn med-bay," she sighed, eyes following the kitten.  
"I've been there."  
"Right – you have that bone-weave thing right?"  
"Yeah. Plus a childhood of constantly breaking things, meant a lot of bedtime."  
Shepard silently nodded, before asking, "How have thing actually been going? You can actually tell me now that I'm free."  
"No one but Kelly and occasionally Tali visit me in the cockpit. Miranda just sends messages."  
"Impersonal."  
"Yeah. The 'biotic squad' have been doing all the work, really. Don't even leave their channel open to me. They patch me in when they 'need me'. Mostly just have a shuttle near them."  
"Biotic squad?"  
"Miranda, Jacob, and Kaidan."  
"I can almost taste the douche-baggery."  
"No need to try to taste it. They pretty much shove it down our throats," Joker scoffed, as the kitten padded over to them – hopping up on the couch between them.  
Shepard wiggled her fingers at the cat, causing the little ball to start purring and rubbing himself against her.  
"I actually tried to inform Miranda I'm taking back some of my power – but she wasn't in her office," Shepard shrugged, "Didn't think she needed to leave the station to get supplies."  
"Oh – she's out."  
"Out?"  
"For dinner."  
"By herself?"  
"...No..." Joker couldn't lie to her. But this...this was just hard to tell her.  
"...With who?" Shepard frowned, lifting the cat into her arms for comfort. It mewed and purred louder.  
"Kaidan."  
Shepard was silent for a moment, before shrugged, "They're both surface level douches. They'd make perfect babies that would be that annoying popular kid in school," she nodded, choosing to be unphased, "But how are things for you?" she nudged him slightly as the kitten fell asleep in her arms.  
"Weird."  
"Aw – why?"  
"I...slept with Kelly again."  
Why was he telling her this?  
"Oh...?" Shepard appeared to be caught off-guard by the action, tilting her head to the side slightly.  
"Everything was just sort of pissing me off. Seemed like a nice stress relief."  
"Last time this happened, you were freaked out."  
'And I still am,' he thought, before saying, "I talked to people and they made sex seem less serious than I was making it out to be."  
"Sex is serious," Shepard replied slowly, petting the purring and sleeping blob in her arms.  
"Yeah...I guess," his mind wandered to the fact he screamed her name, causing his cheeks to redden.  
"Aw – Joker feeling awkward talking about sex?" she teased, rocking the kitten slowly, "You know what? It would be nice to have kids someday."  
"What?"  
"Commander," EDI began, causing the kitten to wake.  
"EDI? What is it?"  
"I'm sorry Commander, but the Lazarus Project – while revolutionary – wasn't perfect."  
"Elaborate, EDI," Shepard narrowed her eyes.  
"Commander, you are sterile."  
  
There was a beat of silence in the room as Joker watched the strangest expression upon Shepard's face. It was only there for a second – but it was filled with such strange sorrow, he wanted to hold her.  
"Yay unprotected sex..." her voice shallow, as she pet the kitten a bit too quickly, causing it to bat at her hand.  
"You okay, Gaz?" her first name slipped past his lips before he could catch himself. She glanced over at him a bit too-quickly.  
"Yeah...yeah I'm fine. Gaz?"  
"Sorry."  
"Nah – it's fine. I'm just 'Commander' or 'Shepard' to everyone. Weird to hear my first name."  
"You first name is not 'Gaz' Shepard," EDI corrected, "It is Giselle."  
Shepard frowned at the AI's words, throwing a pillow across the room at the AI's hologram – causing the sphere to quickly disappear.  
  
"How are all your limbs?" Joker asked, as Shepard lowered her vision back to the fuzz-ball in her arms.  
"My legs are a bit weird – mostly nerve damage still. All my muscles got fucked by the lack of usage. Bones are now back. Memories mostly back – and no longer having trouble remembering new things," she shrugged.  
"Bout your brain, Commander?"  
Gaz shot him a side-glance, "As I said – concussion is-"  
"No, I meant how are you feeling."  
"Like I've been stuck in the medical bay for an entire month," her voice low, "Thanks for visiting me though."  
"Anyone else visit?"  
"Garrus did every once in awhile," she shrugged, slouching on the couch, "Tali was every-other day. Grunt was once a week. Legion came twice. That was weird. Samara gave me counseling a few times. Thane told me stories a few times. Kaidan came by..." her expression dropped.  
"He's an asshole, Commander."  
"I know...we've been over this..." something about her voice was different. The lack of contact and movement had somehow changed Shepard in a strange way. Like her shields were down.  
Gaz's hand – balled into a fist, rested against her mouth – eyes looking in the opposite direction of Joker.  
"...Shepard?"  
"I'm sorry."  
"Are you alright?"  
She tightened her grip on the kitten, who purred to comfort her. The woman slowly turned her eyes back to Joker. Surprisingly, they were glassy.  
"Aw...Gaz..." he frowned, realizing how hard this all was on her.  
"For me, my relationship with Kaidan was only a few months ago," her voice quiet, "To go from falling asleep on someone's shoulder every night to..." her voice cracked, "being called a traitor. Being called 'not Shepard.' Being pushed away like a rotten bag of food. It hurts, Joker."  
  
It was surreal to see his Commander so...vulnerable. Truthfully, he had no idea how to deal with it. Going with what he had seen in movies, he slid an arm around her shoulders – pulling her close to him in a half-hug. She didn't fight it – though her eyelids constantly kept the moisture in her eyes from falling. The ever-growing pool of water remained balanced on her bottom lids – distorting her pupil.  
"I know..." he whispered, squeezing her shoulder.  
"Suddenly he sends me a message back that makes me hopeful that it can go back. Then I actually get the chance...and I fucking push it away," her eyes slammed shut, finally releasing the built-up liquid down her freckled cheeks, "Because he just couldn't be nice to me. He couldn't be the same sweet guy that I fell for on the old Normandy. He always has to prove something to me. Then I thought he was gone again. I was okay with that. Move on. Then...then that stupid merc attack," she shook her head – not looking at Joker. Instead, her eyes were focused on nothing in particular – yet pointed directly in front of her. The kitten jumped away to inspect her bed.  
  
"That asshole had to save me. I woke up to see his goddamn face," her voice shook – Joker's hold on her tightened. He had seen her die...yet this was possibly more painful.  
"I thought I had just been zapped by the Prothean beacon, by the way, when I woke up," she shook her head – her whole body shuddering slightly, "So I thought it was still there. That smile on his face. He held my hand," she clenched her jaw – her face dipping forward causing her auburn hair to block her features.  
Joker remained silent – realizing how badly she needed to just vent all of this.  
"Then he visits me," her voice barely above a whisper, "Daily. Sometimes more than once a day," she leaned her head against Joker's shoulder mindlessly, "We just talked about the old days. About all the stupid missions. The Mako. Wrex and Garrus. Poker-night on the SSV. Hell, we even talked about Ashley," she bit her bottom lip, "Then...then he decides to just hang out with Miranda. No big deal. Dinner date? Sounds like fun. Hell – I bet they've already slept together. Miranda seems easy to me."  
Joker remained silent.  
"God...dammit," Gaz cradled her face in her hands – resting her elbows on her legs, "I was doing so good too. Just...going out with Miranda was...too much I guess," she slowly lifted her hands from her face, and looked over at Joker – shooting him a sheepish smile.  
"I'm sorry you had to see my little melt-down," Gaz attempted to smile, "I'll be sure to have more exciting and less pathetic outbursts in the future."  
"Yeah...like explode something in anger. Or set Kaidan on fire."  
"I like the way you think, sir," she laughed, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.  
"Hell, Mordin can set things on fire with his mind, right?"  
"True."  
"I'm sure he'd do that for you."  
"This can only end well."  
"Or just put Jack near him."  
"Have they even talked yet?"  
"I recall hearing her threaten to rip off his balls and shove them up whatever orifice she was feeling 'appropriate,' " Joker shrugged with a smile.  
"God bless that woman."  
  
Shepard's light brown eyes glanced up at Joker from his shoulder. She smiled at him, lifting her head slightly.  
"Thank you, Joker."  
"For what?"  
Placing a hand on his cheek, she pressed her lips lightly against his, before pulling away. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.  
"What did I earn that for?" Joker recovered, a bit in shock over Gaz's actions.  
"Joker – look at everything. In my eyes, I lost everything for no reason. Suddenly my life, friends, ship, and crew were ripped away from me. But you never left," she laughed slightly, her gaze dropping.  
  
"The best Commander needs the best pilot," he replied, attempting to not think. In this situation, if he thought too hard – he'd get scared, nervous, and awkward. Probably all at once. To counter his gut-instinct to ruin all moments ever, he concentrated on her eyes. The outside ring of the light brown was a bit darker – possibly even a bit green. It grew lighter as it got closer to the pupil – a ring of gray encircling the black sphere in the middle. Within the two rings of color, lay a field of light brown. Little flecks of yellow and green hid within the general light-brown hue – probably going unnoticed by most.  
"Joker?" she asked, bringing him back to the present.  
"What?"  
"You still there, buddy?" she smiled, her hand on his arm.  
"Yeah...just kind of got lost in thought."  
"Did I make you uncomfortable?" she asked flatly, pulling her hand away from his arm.  
"What? No," he smiled, "You're just..." he shrugged, "I'm basically forcing myself to not puke on my lap, fart, sneeze in your face, or somehow break something."  
Shepard laughed, shaking her head, "Trying not to awkward yourself?"  
"Exactly."  
"How?"  
He paused, "Honestly I was studying your eyes. Oh hey – that sounds smooth. Oh yeah, baby, I've been checkin' out them orbs."  
Gaz snorted – laughing, before asking, "My eyes, huh?"  
"Yeah, they're not just like a boring brown I see everywhere. They've got lots of colors. Really...pretty," he flinched slightly at the compliment – unsure how she'd take it.  
Gaz leaned forward again, kissing him with slightly more intensity as before. Joker closed his eyes, delicately placing a hand on the side of her face. The kiss was soft. Delicate. It sent a shock from his brain to his spine. It felt...comforting. Not awkward and overly lusty like it had with Kelly.  
It was...perfect.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHOKER. SHEP/JOKER. IN THIS CHAPTER. THEY KISSED. Okay, self control. It only took me over 24,000 words to get to this point. But...they kissed. Finally kissed. Gah – that was sweet. It was hard to make it unforced.
> 
> From experience, I can say that just being there for someone when they have a breakdown earns you SO MANY points in their mind. I've been slowly building their relationship in a way I've seen real ones go before. Sometimes people aren't both constantly thinking of each other in bed. Sometimes life distracts from the person who really is best for you. Also note how the last thing they talked about before the first kiss was Jack shoving Kaidan's balls down an orifice of her choice. Best. First. Kiss. Words. Ever.
> 
> Another note – Shepard being sterile is a head-canon of mine.
> 
> Also – how cute is the N7-kitten? He's written after my own cat, Beaker.


	15. Senses

Gaz's eyes snapped open, causing a jolt of feelings to come crashing down upon the Commander. Since her 'resurrection,' there had been an issue of her senses 'waking up'. Every time the woman awoke, everything was heightened for about ten seconds. Her ears could pick up every bubble that the filter added to her fish tank. The slight sound of the water rushing around the top of the aquarium. The very quiet hum the Normandy constantly made. She could smell the toothpaste lid she hadn't slid on properly last night. The slightly ajar shampoo cap within the bathroom. The subtle minty residue on her toothbrush. She could taste everything she ate over the last day, causing an unpleasant ache in her stomach. Her light eyes studied the space-window that lay just above her bed. She felt as if she could count every star.  
  
After several months of experiencing this phenomena, she quickly learned to not move a singular muscle during this unpleasant jolt in her senses. With every sense maxed out, she would often find herself sick to her stomach – making the mission that day quite unpleasant. If she could manage to avoid the 'feel' aspect, she would be okay. Of course she could feel the soft sheets against her exposed feet and arms – but that was subtle enough to not push her over the edge.  
Exhaling, she relaxed as the episode passed – her eyes scanning the room. Feeling a strange weight on her pillow – she glanced up. Her mouth instantly curled into a smile, seeing her new kitten curled happily on the top of her pillow. Apparently he preferred the people-bed over his kitty-bed. Shepard had no problem with this. Reaching her hand slowly out of the covers, she stroked the nameless kitten, causing it to grunt slightly in its sleep.  
  
Carefully pulling herself into a sitting position, Shepard glanced over at the couch. Her evening had been...unexpected. It was her first night free of the medical bay, and she had ended up having a...well it was a breakdown. She had thrown the entire thing at Joker – the poor guy. The level of guilt she felt for letting him see her like that was nearly worse than the initial emotions, themselves.  
Yet, he had comforted her. A smile pulled at Gaz's lips as she recalled his reaction to it all. Telling a joke. Forcing her mind to picture Mordin setting Kaidan on fire with his mind. The still groggy woman laughed slightly on her bed, as she rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands.  
'I can't believe I kissed Joker...' she thought with a smile, shooting the kitten a side-glance. It had started purring for no apparent reason. Damn that thing was the perfect present.  
The evening had started with tears, but ended so well. Her second kiss with Joker was...well, for someone who had been a virgin until a short while ago, he had managed to outdo most she had kissed. Especially Kaidan. That man was all tongue. And drool. There were a few times when she had kissed Kaidan, where she actually had to pull back, since he had managed to set off her gag-reflex. The woman laughed silently on her bed, pulling her sheets closer to her body as she glanced over to her fish-tank.  
But with Joker...it was just simple. He was her best friend.  
  
Growing up, Shepard had always had the issue of being a 'clingy friend'. Since she didn't have any family of her own, she often held her friends to an extremely high regard. They were her family. Sadly, very few ever repaid the fondness for her. The sheer amount of times she had bent over backwards to help out a friend was astonishing. However – few ever would lift a damn finger for her. Through her teen years, there were long stretches of time where Shepard had never felt more alone. Those damn kids stabbing her in the back. Once or twice that wasn't a metaphor.  
Kaidan was no better than those 'friends' who used her.  
With a heavy sigh, Shepard got out of bed, noticing her personal console beeping at her.  
"!!  
-Joker"  
Shepard smiled, quickly typing a reply.  
"?  
-Gaz"  
After a moment, the console alerted her to a new message.  
":D  
-Joker"  
  
No, it didn't make any real sense, but it still amused her. Two exclamation points. A smiley face. That summed up the night nicely. After their kiss, they talked for a little while – Shepard leaning on Joker's shoulder – before they both admitted to being tired and parted ways. It wasn't rushed. It wasn't forced. Just simple.  
  
–  
  
"It's the curse of an L2, Kaidan," Chakwas shook her head, fetching migraine medication, as the new Spectre leaned his head on his hands. The bright lights of the SR-2's medical bay seemed to be mocking him. If he opened his eyes, it felt as if he was staring straight into Earth's sun. His stomach would curl further – his head would shriek in pain. It had been awhile since his last migraine. Some part of Kaidan figured his body had finally stopped rejecting the implant within the back of his skull, and would just play nice.  
  
Then he woke up that morning and nearly ruined Miranda's sheets. Well...more than he had the previous night.  
He tried to just shower the nausea off, but ended up not even making it to the shower before he was face-down in a toilet. Luckily the two were in the same room. Unluckily, Joker was just leaving from his morning shower. The look that the pilot had given him was almost...smug? Kaidan had brushed it off at the time – considering he was a bit preoccupied; but that didn't stop the thought from floating around his head.  
'Did he tell Shepard?' he wondered, nearly opening his eyes at the thought.  
  
"Take a deep breath in when...you know the drill, Kaidan," Chakwas' voice broke his train of thought, causing the man to nod slightly.  
With a quick intake of air, the doctor injected the medicine into his neck. The man hardly flinched. Back in the real Normandy days, he'd have one of those shots nearly every-other-day.  
Patting the spot on his neck, Chakwas placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder – urging him to lie down.  
"Sadly this medication hasn't gotten any better. Just lay there for about ten minutes, then you won't have a problem for the next day or so."  
"Thank you, Chakwas," Kaidan breathed, as his omni-tool beeped.  
"Would you like me to read that to you Kaidan? No one else is around," Chakwas offered, standing beside the bed.  
"It could be an official message from the Council or from the Alliance."  
"Want me to just tell you who the sender is?"  
"Please," Kaidan lifted his arm, blindly putting in his passcode, before he felt Chakwas' gentle touch take his wrist.  
"It's from Jeff."  
"Jeff?"  
"Jeff Moreau. Joker?"  
  
Kaidan frowned, crossing one arm over his eyes, "Read it...I guess."  
There was a long pause.  
"Chakwas?"  
"It says, 'I hope your morning sickness is doing better. Use a condom next time.  
-Joker.'"  
Kaidan rolled his lips in, feeling a bit of anger burn in the back of his skull.  
"Calm down Kaidan," Chakwas suddenly cautioned, "You're going to modify the calibrations on my instruments if you allow your biotics to go unchecked," she cautioned – causing Kaidan to realize he probably was emitting a faint blue glow.  
"Sorry, doctor."  
"We've both known Jeff for years, Kaidan. He enjoys pushing your buttons," her voice filtered with a bit of concern.  
"How much time left before it sets in?"  
"Seven minutes."  
  
–  
  
"It is physically impossible for the human male to carry a child or suffer from 'morning sickness,' Jeff," EDI informed Joker, as he quietly laughed in his leather seat.  
"It's a joke, EDI. Like how you enjoy seeing humans on their knees."  
The memory of her saying that was still etched within his mind. Well – so was the whole 'quickly move through the ship and avoid being eaten by Collectors,' thing.  
"But I do enjoy that, Jeff."  
  
Joker stared at the blue holographic sphere to his left, slightly horrified at the words that had just come out of her speakers.  
"That was a joke, Jeff."  
"We really, really need to work on that humor thing, EDI," Joker frowned, shaking his head.  
His omni-tool demanded his attention, causing the man to halt in his maintenance report.  
"The kitten is now somehow asleep inside a pillowcase.  
-Gaz."  
"The small feline has, indeed, fallen asleep inside the Commander's pillow covering, Jeff," EDI confirmed, as Joker pulled up a response window.  
"Please stop reading my messages EDI," he frowned, quickly typing a reply.  
  
"Good kitty. Named him yet?  
-Joker"  
  
"Spectre Kaidan Alenko is heading for the cockpit, Jeff."  
"Shit. Is he doing that angry-strut thing?"  
"His heart-rate is accelerated past his normal levels, Jeff."  
"Shit. EDI, if he kills me...please call him Dave and go all 2001: A Space Odyssey on him?"  
"I won't let him harm you, Dave."  
"Again, EDI, we need to work on the humor thi-"  
"Joker."  
  
The Helmsman froze, before deciding to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. His hands continued filling in numbers with EDI's help.  
"Kaidan? That you?" he idly asked, his voice bored.  
"Yeah. Do you have a minute to talk?"  
"Kinda busy here, Kaidan. See – I actually have a job on this boat," he snarled his lip slightly as he spoke – aware that the man couldn't see his face.  
"I'm serious, Joker."  
  
Raising his hands in a 'I surrender' fashion, Joker turned his chair towards Kaidan, "Fine, fine – I'll play along. What's biting at your panties, Kaidan? Miranda too rough in bed?"  
Joker couldn't help himself. He knew he was signing his own death warrant here, but the memory of his Commander breaking down because of the asshole was still very fresh within his mind. Joker did not like people messing with Shepard.  
  
"Ha. Ha. Your nickname is well earned," Kaidan's voice flat, "But please. Can we keep the sarcastic comments and constant attacks gone for just one conversation?"  
Joker shot EDI's hologram – who hadn't left his side since Kaidan entered – a side-glance, before shrugging, "Yeah, I guess."  
"Did you tell Shepard about me and Miranda?"  
"Yes," Joker nodded – his face void of emotion – hands neatly folded on his lap, "Anything else I can do for you?"  
"Why...why the hell would you tell her?"  
"Why would you keep it from her?" Joker shrugged, keeping his voice neutral, "I don't see what the big deal is. You said you moved on."  
  
"Maybe I'd like to tell her in my own time in my own way? Joker – stop putting your face where it shouldn't be."  
"Ha...ah..." a smile spread across Joker's face, as the air distorted above Kaidan's shoulders. This man was not happy.  
"Why are you laughing?"  
"So many jokes. But – she asked. That's why I told her."  
"Asked about me?" Kaidan's voice dropped.  
"Actually," Joker smiled, "Miranda."  
"Miranda?"  
  
"Yeah. Yesterday when the Commander left the med-bay, she crutched her way over to Miranda's to let her know that she was taking back command. Miranda – who never leaves her room – wasn't there. I saw you two walk by me to go out to dinner or whatever, so I told her what I saw."  
"But you didn't tell her what I told you?"  
"That you fucked the Cerberus cheerleader? No."  
Kaidan raised his hand as if he was about to make a point, but quickly lowered it.  
"Wait...when did you see Shepard last night?" Kaidan's eyes narrowed at Joker, "There's no way that she stopped by here before going up to her room."  
"Why the hell not? People visit me."  
"On the average day, three-point-oh-one people visit the cockpit, other than Jeff," EDI informed.  
"Not really helping my point here EDI – but thanks for trying," Joker sighed.  
"What aren't you telling me, Joker?" the air above Kaidan reminded Joker of the air under the original Normandy, when she flew close to the ground.  
"I don't think you know my middle name, what languages I speak, the nationality of my parents, or what color my boxers are," the pilot ventured, pulling at the bill of his SR-2 hat, "...unless you watched me get dressed while you were puking this morning. Pervert."  
"Forget it."  
As Kaidan disappeared down the hall, Joker turned back to face his console – continuing his report.  
"EDI – can I see last month's report on the left monitor? Some of these numbers seem off."  
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."  
"Ha. Ha. I just made my life a lot harder with you, didn't I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDI you are perfect.  
> Also I love this chapter okay.


	16. Perfect

Miranda typed among the silence within her room. Her light eyes moved back and forth across the screen as she wrote – her mouth forming the words as her fingers quickly formed them digitally. It was a report on the last mission she had gone on with Kaidan and Jacob. Normally she got them out of the way directly after – but with her having been in charge over the last month, she hadn't found time. In reality, there wasn't a single reason to write the report. Cerberus had cast her aside – the Illusive Man had disowned her. There wasn't anyone to send this report to – other than local authorities who sometimes liked to know what happened in their area. Normally, she'd simply save it to her computer and move on.  
  
She always did the report, because she had always done them in the past. If she suddenly stopped this routine, she knew the reality of it all would finally hit her – a prospect she had been running from since they just barely escaped the Collector Base. Pausing in her work, she closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair – eyes casting back at her perfectly made bed. Only a few hours ago, she hadn't been alone in this room. For once, that wasn't because Shepard wanted to have one of those 'chats,' or Kelly asking one-too-many-questions. Instead, it was because of Kaidan.  
  
In the beginning, he was just a distraction to Shepard. Miranda had argued against putting his picture within the Commander's quarters – saying it would keep her from concentrating on the mission. Then there was the meeting on Horizon. Miranda hadn't been there – but was listening over Shepard's radio. While his words were sharp, they made perfect sense. She had disappeared for two years and was now working for an organization he saw evil. Honestly, Miranda was a bit disturbed by how the others from Shepard's past had quickly taken her in without question.  
  
After the meeting on Horizon, Miranda had done some investigating on the man in question – honestly impressed by his track record. After that – he was nothing more than an idle picture within Shepard's quarters.  
  
When they had their first shore-leave after the Collector Base mission, he and Shepard went on a date. Miranda had read the messages herself – for she screened all of Shepard's mail. The fact that Shepard had managed to save the galaxy twice, survive death, keep her Spectre status...and still keep all her friends – well it honestly made Miranda a bit jealous. Everything Miranda had 'accomplished' was nothing more than a formula or something that was just given to her. She was grown from perfect cells in a perfect environment. Then she was engineered post-birth to be 'perfect'. From there, she received a perfect education, became a perfect biotic, and somehow still managed to become Daddy's little failure. That's why her 'twin' was born. Her father had decided she wasn't good enough – despite everything being set for her – so he started over. This is what caused Miranda to run – stealing the 'start-over' in the process. Yes, she did want to save the girl – but she also didn't want to be replaced.  
  
Then the Illusive Man found her and made her his own. Every mission she was thrown on was perfectly set for her built-in skills. She never was anything but near the top, really. She spent her younger years in Cerberus actually living with the 'Illusive Man'. In many ways, he was her father. Both for the better and worse. Yes, he took better care of her than the original – but in the end, his intentions were the same. She was a tool.  
Then there was Shepard. Earthborn. Grew up in an orphanage then on the streets in a gang. Joined the Alliance to escape the life of crime. Became an N7. Became a War Hero. Became an Spectre. Became the Commander of the revolutionary Normandy. Broke Alliance norms by having a mixed crew. Defeated Sovereign and Saren.  Defeated the Collectors.  
  
Nothing was handed to Shepard. She was the real definition of perfect. Gaz always got what she wanted because she knew how to work hard. Hell – she even had Kaidan wrapped around her finger – or Miranda had thought on that shore-leave night. So she drank alone. None of the other crew had invited her out – not even Jacob. Growing up in a 'perfect' environment caused her people skills to be virtually non-existent. This made her come off as cold. Angry.  
  
But when Shepard had been nearly killed and Kaidan had joined their ranks – it was a unique experience to actually work with the man. He was a damn good biotic and was like Shepard in a sense where he knew how to get where he wanted in order to get what he desired.  
  
Mission by mission, she became attracted to the man. She knew he hated Cerberus and everything she represented – but yet with each mission, he treated her more and more like an equal.  
  
And here they were.  
  
She hadn't seen Kaidan since earlier that morning – when he disappeared out of her room as she slept. The motion had rocked her awake – just in time to see her door close. Had she gone too far? Was he still enamored with the Commander?  
Miranda saved the document and quit – leaving her hands and mind idle.  
The doors of her room opened, revealing her Commander upon crutches – swearing under her breath.  
  
"Miranda," she smiled – yet something seemed cold behind her eyes, much like they were when Miranda had just seen Shepard's dead body.  
"Commander," Miranda nodded her head in the woman's direction, "I'm glad to see you're up and moving."  
"If I could, I'd jump and click my heels together," Shepard shrugged, "Alas I'm stuck on these things for a short-while, since the muscles and bones in my legs aren't quite up to par yet."  
"I'm sorry to hear that, Commander."  
"How are things with you?"  
Miranda paused – a sudden fear of the Commander's wrath crawling through her own cybernetics, "I...Well, I'm doing well. Just finished a report on the last mission we had. I-"  
"Why are you still writing reports? We're technically only with the Council now and they only want reports on things that alter populations of entire planets of multiple species."  
"Habit," she admitted, suddenly unsure what to do with her hands. Did she normally put them on the desk? On her lap? Behind her head?  
"We all have our weird little habits," Shepard was still standing – unusual for she normally took a seat across from Miranda, "I just stopped by to say I'm taking back Command. While I'd be worthless in a firefight, I can still lead."  
  
"Of course, Commander."  
"I'll let you get back to work."  
As Shepard awkwardly turned to leave on her crutches, the door opened.  
"Look, Miranda – I meant to come earlier and-"  
Kaidan froze just inside the door – eyes locked on Shepard.  
"Alenko," she nodded, "Can you move aside, so I may pass? Crutches don't allow me to slide around people as well as I'd like."  
"I...of course Commander."  
"Also, I need to speak with you. Briefing room in five."  
As the door closed behind Shepard, Kaidan let out a breath which sounded like he had been holding since he first entered the room.  
"That was unique," Miranda remarked, shaking her head.  
"You could say that..."  
"Are you alright? Where did you go this morning?"  
"I shouldn't keep the Commander waiting."  
"I...alright."  
Kaidan turned to leave, but paused as he was about to reopen the door.  
"It was a migraine. Happens since I'm an L2."  
"Feeling any better?"  
"No."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like doing something a little different for this chapter. My first playthrough of Mass Effect 2 left me hating Miranda. While I still don't love her, I have gained a strange respect and even pity for her. This chapter somewhat just explains Miranda's side of everything ever. I'm aware that Kaidan/Miranda is very unlikely in canon because she's Cerberus, but that was actually on purpose! GASP! That shall be revealed. I also like how Shepard isn't directly saying anything to Miranda, but you can just feel it. Gah. Also, I don't know why, but I want to hug Kaidan at the end of this chapter. He seems so pathetic. Kicked puppy, much? I know this wasn't a really funny, sexy, or even M-rated chapter – but I just wanted to toy with something new. I didn't want all the chapters to be exactly the same with Joker doing something adorkable, Shepard thinking deep, Kaidan hating everything, and Thane secretly letting everyone lick him. Yup.


	17. A meeting

"The Commander has entered the Briefing Room with Staff-Commander Alenko without prior scheduling of a meeting, Jeff," EDI reported, causing Joker to shoot the hologram a side-glance.  
"And I care...because?"  
"My data suggests that you take particular interest in the activities of Commander Gaz Shepard and Staff-Commander Kaidan Alenko, Jeff."  
"So you are telling me this because you think I'd like to know?"  
"Yes."  
  
Joker rose a brow, "You're doing that 'too much intelligence' thing again, EDI."  
"The performance of the Normandy depends on the bond that you and I share, Jeff."  
"Getting kinda creepy, EDI."  
"Performing tasks that make you trust me allows you and I to work together seamlessly – which causes the ship to fly at a higher proficiency, Jeff."  
"If your holographic display turns to boobs, I'm leaving."  
"That would be inappropriate, Jeff."  
Joker laughed under his breath, and shook his head, as his mind wandered to the briefing room.  
"Yeoman Chambers is approaching the bridge, Jeff."  
"Shit."  
"Would you like me to redirect her somewhere else?"  
"No it's fine, EDI. I'll deal with this."  
The weight of his chair shifted, as Kelly haphazardly leaned all her weight against it.  
"Kelly," he greeted.  
"Hi Joker."  
"The crazies on the ship finally stop clawing at the walls?"  
"No one on this ship is 'crazy.' There are several people I wouldn't classify as 'stable' though."  
"Who?"  
"I can't tell you that."  
"Jack is obvious. Probably Miranda, Grunt, and...Kaidan? He did come up here glowing like a firefly earlier."  
"What?" Kelly, pulled on Joker's chair, causing the pilot to twirl around a bit too fast. His eyes narrowed at the quick movement, before he felt rebalanced.  
"Kaidan came up here a bit angsty this morning. I think he got his panties in a bunch or something."  
"Did you do something to cause Staff-Commander Alenko distress?"  
'You could say that,' Joker thought, internally smiling – before he answered with a flat, "Not really. He's just being all touchy about the Commander and 'what she knows,' " Joker made hand motions similar to that of the Council talking about 'Reapers.'  
"Knows about what?"  
Joker hated gossip – but he also hated Kaidan.  
"Kaidan and Miranda have been getting it on repeatedly for a few nights now."  
The Helmsman had never seen a person get so excited about someone else getting laid before in his entire life. The expression on Kelly's face could only be drawn in some sort of lost Japanese art-form. It was...frightening.  
  
"Calm yourself before I have to clean up after you. Or well...Gardner has to clean up after you. Let's keep pee away from the man who cooks us dinner, okay?"  
  
"But Kaidan has displayed hostility towards Cerberus in the past – enough to push away the Commander in the past. Why the change now? Perhaps it was her rejection that made her the 'one who got away' so he began seeking feelings elsewhere? Miranda is a biotic like him. They do have many things in common," Kelly began, making too many hand-movements. Joker could almost feel EDI watching and simply trying to wrap her computer brain around Kelly as a whole.  
"Breathe Kelly, breathe..." Joker lifted and lowered his hands with the words – causing Kelly to actually follow his directions.  
"I'm okay...I'm okay," Kelly promised, rubbing her head with one hand, "Just exciting news. I don't imagine the Commander will take it well."  
Joker simply nodded, not wanting to feed the hungry snake any more information.  
  
–  
  
"Commander," Kaidan greeted, entering the Briefing Room. Shepard was sitting on the table that circled the holographic interface in the middle of the room.  
"Our ranks are so close it hardly matters, Alenko."  
"Right...sorry Shepard."  
"Stop apologizing."  
"Okay...but what was the reason for this meeting, Co-" Kaidan rolled his lips in, "Shepard."  
"Why are you still on my ship?"  
"Excuse me?"  
"I appreciate you saving my life. Really – I do. But you're a Spectre. Don't you have things to do?"  
Kaidan's eyes dropped to his feet, "Shepard."  
"No, you are not 'doing,' me," Gaz replied with a bit of smile to her voice.  
"Aw, really?" Kaidan's mood lightened slightly, "Because I thought this strange little meeting was for a quicky on top of the Illusive Man's broken console," his voice biting with sarcasm.  
"With my luck we'd hump it back to life and he'd just sit and watch."  
"We both perform well under pressure," he shrugged, walking up beside where Shepard was sitting.  
"Very true. But if the Illusive Man whips it out and starts jacking to us banging in his holographic display, then I might lose my concentration."  
"Yeah...that's probably throw me off a bit too."  
"Kaidan – old man penis."  
"Yup, that'd be a mood-killer."  
Both laughed – a strange amount of sexual tension filling the air.  
"So you really want me off your ship, Shepard?"  
"I just want to know why you're here, Kaidan."  
The man's eyes dropped to his feet, before lifting to meet Shepard's eyes.  
"You."  
"Me? Thought I wasn't going to make it or something?"  
"No."  
There was a long pause, as Kaidan took her hand, "I've been spiraling, Shepard. Since your death I feel like my life has been going downhill without any breaks."  
"Deep metaphor time, I see."  
"Shut up – I'm baring my heart here."  
"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"  
"Man Gaz, you've been hanging out with Joker too often," Kaidan smiled, causing the woman to smile warmly – though the warmness wasn't directed at Kaidan.  
"Yeah. He's been really great recently."  
"Oh?"  
"Are you really investigating me right now, Kaidan?"  
"I've seen you smile like that before, Shepard."  
"I'm not drunk, I swear."  
"Not what I'm talking about."  
"I did not lick Thane, I swear."  
"God dammit, Gaz," Kaidan smiled, tightening his grip on her hand as he glanced over at her, "I missed you."  
"I never left, asshole."  
"You were dead."  
"I got better."  
  
"I was scared to accept that this was you, Gaz. Because I lost you once."  
Shepard remained silent – watching the other Commander carefully.  
"I don't want to lose you again, Gaz. That's why I've been scared to let you close to me. I spent so much time filling that hole you left, that it seemed almost wrong to reopen that wound again."  
His hand rested on her jaw.  
"I love you Gaz. I've...never stopped. That's what makes this so hard."  
Kaidan stood directly in front of Shepard – his thumb playing with the side of her face slightly.  
"I want you back."  
Kaidan pulled his face close to hers, but was surprised to feel resistance only about a centimeter from her lips.  
"So is that why you fucked Miranda?" Shepard whispered, sending a rush of adrenaline through Kaidan. He quickly backed off – his eyes wide. A slight blue glow emanated off of his body – distorting the air around him.  
"You bastard," her voice low, "You pushed me away because I was Cerberus and modified from the original. What do you think that little bitch is out there? She's the extract of everything you hated about my return. Yet you decided to go out on a dinner date with the Cerberus cheerleader? Really? Really?"  
"I...I don't know what to-"  
"Say something asshole, because I'm just dying to hear your explanation for this."  
"Gaz."  
"That's Commander to you."  
"To be quite honest, it was a rebound. My mind is all screwed up because of everything that happened – then there's this beautiful and easy woman feeding me wine and clawing at me."  
"She made passes at you?"  
"Yes. I probably brought it on myself. With Cerberus not really being part of this outfit anymore, I somehow talked myself into seeing it as okay."  
"Get off my ship."  
"I..."  
"Get the fuck off of my ship, or I will have you taken by force. And it might not be to a shuttle."  
Kaidan's fists balled at his sides, before he stormed out of the room – leaving Shepard alone in silence.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I originally wrote this I had no idea where it was going. Well - I had a plan for the EDI/Kelly/Joker part (which will make sense soon), but I wasn't sure how the Kaidan/Shep convo was going to go. So I just let it...go. I know Kaidan is seeming a bit angsty at the moment, but as he said, he's spiraling. He's wearing his emotions too far out and ends up hurting everyone around him. What he NEEDS is time away from all these people and just some R&R. BUT WILL I LET HIM HAVE IT? (evil laughs into the sunset).


	18. Effect

"She kicked you out?"  
"Yup."  
"Off of the ship?"  
"She...threatened to throw me out of the airlock."  
"Why?"  
"She knows, Miranda," Kaidan paused in his pacing to make eye-contact with the woman.  
"Did you tell her?"  
"What? No. No! Of course not."  
"Then how does she know, Kaidan?" Miranda's voice even as she sat on the edge of her bed – her arms crossed across her chest, "It's not like we're very public about this."  
"I know..."  
"Then how does she know, Kaidan?" Miranda's voice rose slightly in volume, causing Kaidan's brows to lower slightly in annoyance.  
"Joker."  
"The pilot?"  
"Yes."  
"How the hell does he know?"  
"He saw us go on our dinner date."  
"He told the Commander about seeing us walk in a similar direction and she threatened to throw you out of the airlock?" Miranda's eyes narrowed, "Maybe I failed in the reconstruction of that woman's brain..."  
"I..." Kaidan's vision lowered to his feet, "No. Joker knew from me."  
"From you?" her voice low – hurt even, "Why would you tell Joker? It seems like every time you two are together there's nearly a fight."  
"It's a long story."  
"Tell me."  
"Why does it matter?"  
"Because this is an issue that directly involves and comprises my relationship with the Commander. I considered her a friend – but now I'll be surprised if that woman will even cast me a side-glance."  
"If you cared about your 'relationship' with Gaz so much, why did you sleep with me?"  
  
There was a beat of silence – a slight glow appeared around Miranda. It was faint – since she was decent at controlling her emotions. But it was still very much there.  
"This was a mistake. All of this," she whispered, leaning her head on her left hand, "This is why I don't get involved with people. I don't understand them."  
"Miranda..." Kaidan took a step towards Miranda – reaching for her shoulder.  
"Don't," she biotic-pushed him back slightly, causing the man to nearly lose his balance.  
"Fine...I'll leave you alone. Just message me if you want anything."  
"I won't."  
  
–  
  
"Hey Commander."  
"Joker."  
The pilot turned his chair to face the woman, "I...oh wow you look like you want to punt puppies. Hope that's not directed at me, or I'll start crawling away now."  
"Huh? Oh – no. Not you."  
"Everything okay, Commander?"  
"What is the closest non-hostile planet, Joker?"  
"Horizon. Why?"  
  
Shepard's eyes snapped shut, before a sad smile spread across her features, "Sweet, bitter irony."  
"Commander?"  
"Set course for Horizon."  
"Yes, Commander. May I ask why?"  
"We're dropping off Kaidan. He needs to get back to playing Spectre."  
"Right...I'm sure. Commander?"  
"What is it Joker?"  
"You didn't kill Kaidan, right? If you did, we could just shoot his body out with the garbage and he'd never be seen again."  
  
A smile cracked across Shepard's features, "No, Joker, I did not kill Kaidan."  
"One or both of his testicles currently lie where your hands are in your sweatshirt's pockets?"  
  
The Commander removed her hands from her jacket and waved her fingers around, "Nothin' in there."  
"Well...alright, Commander..." Joker slowly turned his chair back to face the console – continually shooting Shepard a glance over his shoulder – causing the woman to smile.  
"I'm fine."  
"I won't push."  
"I'm not hiding anything."  
"This is me not pushing. Well – I'm pushing buttons – but they aren't on you."  
"People do not have physical buttons, Jeff."  
"Thank you EDI – I had no idea," Joker sighed, shaking his head as he set course for Horizon.  
"ETA?" Shepard asked, sliding her hands back into her pockets, her crutches leaning on the wall next to her, as she leaned on the wall opposite.  
"A few hours. You kicked him in the nuts, huh?"  
"Not physically."  
"So...metaphorically?"  
"Bye Joker," her voice amused.  
"Fine...alright, see ya."  
  
–  
  
"Commander."  
"Kelly. Anything I should know?"  
"Nothing right now, Commander – but I am on my lunch break," Kelly smiled, sitting across from Shepard in the mess.  
"Right – sorry, reflex."  
"It's fine. Everything okay? You seem a bit...tired."  
"I really don't feel like talking about it Kelly."  
"I won't push," the bright-haired woman chirped, quickly sliding some food between her lips, "But I did notice something you'd find amusing."  
"Oh?" Shepard leaned her head to the side – both elbows leaning on the table as her hands cradled a cup of coffee.  
"There are several people on board who aren't well versed in social behavior," Kelly began, making motions with her fork, "Like Joker, for instance."  
  
A small smile tugged at Gaz's lips, "He does spend a lot of time in that cockpit with EDI."  
"That's actually the point I was about to make. Pay attention when he – or anyone else who's less used to social situations talks to you. They have started to adopt EDI's speech mannerisms."  
Shepard's brows pulled together, "What?"  
"Normally people don't say another person's name unless they are making a situation more serious or trying to make a point with the person," she observed, taking a drink of water, "But if you listen to Joker speak in an informal setting – something I've had the benefit of a few times – he says my name at the end of nearly every statement. The behavior is common when one used to responding to people of rank – but the behavior is still amusing. Lawson has the same problem."  
  
"Makes sense of the Ice Queen."  
  
"I actually feel sorry for her."  
  
Shepard snorted.  
  
"I thought you and the XO were on good terms," Kelly's head leaned to the side.  
"It's a long story," Shepard shrugged, "Oh – I got a cat."  
"What aren't you telling me, Commander?"  
"I actually might have a name for him now."  
"This is classic avoidance. I'm not even believing you have a cat. Especially since you haven't left the ship since your near fatal accident."  
"He's actually more of a kitten. Has a collar that makes him look like the good ol' N7 armor."  
Kelly couldn't keep the smile from spreading across her face, "N'aww. But why are you mad at Miranda?"  
"It's personal."  
"Commander. It is my job to help you as well as the crew of the Normandy."  
"Did you really sleep with Joker?"  
Kelly's mouth opened and closed, before her posture straightened, "That is personal."  
"So is this. Good-day, Chambers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A simple 'tween' chapter. Not much happens - just results of the last.  
> Woo.


	19. New Horizons

The Normandy carefully came into orbit around Horizon – Joker swearing under his breath at their inability to maintain a decent comm link – which was quickly followed by EDI's mutterings that it was most likely a maintenance issue – because her scanners were picking up normal activity upon the planet.  
Shepard smiled and shook her head, as she walked to the shuttle to see Kaidan off. She wasn't sure why she was even bothering saying goodbye. The man had proven himself unworthy of even her pity. Yet her shoes continued to carefully work their way towards the Kodiak. Earlier she had spoken with Chakwas about the recovery of her legs. The doctor had suggested making small walks around the ship without crutches to try to strengthen them. This had seemed like as good a time as any.  
Cappa – Joker's relief pilot who had nearly died in the Collector attack – waved at Shepard through the window of the shuttle. Shepard hesitated, before boarding the shuttle and walking to the front.  
"Cappa – good to see you functioning again."  
"Yeah, Commander. It was hard to see you cooped up in the med-bay with me. It was just strange to see you not constantly kicking an ass of some sort."  
Shepard smiled. The other pilot was a man who was several years younger than Joker. His dark hair a bit overgrown from his serious time in the infirmary of the Normandy.  
"Glad we're both out," she patted him on the back slightly. She previously hadn't been too close with the off-shift pilot – but her extended stay within the confines of Chakwas' domain had led to many conversations with the man.  
"So are you going to come down to Horizon with us?" he asked, doing a pre-flight check with quick movements of his hands, "Us meaning the other guy who isn't here yet," the pilot glanced over his shoulder.  
"I was just planning on seeing you two off," Shepard admitted, staring at the rest of the cargo-hold outside of the Kodiak's front.  
"Can you come with us, Commander?" the boy's voice a bit sad, "Joker won't let me fly the Normandy until someone 'proves I won't crash her into the nearest sun in a fit of post-Collector-flashbacks,'" he motioned with his hands, "Though I swear I'm good-to-go. Joker's just...being Joker."  
Shepard snorted, "Fine – fine. I'll keep an eye on you up here. Sound good?"  
As the words fell out of her mouth, the man with the space-mullet entered the Kodiak.  
"Shepard?"  
"I was just going to see you off here – but Cappa is just getting back on duty. Better to have an extra set of eyes."  
"Got it, Commander" Kaidan disappeared to the back of the shuttle, as the pilot quickly moved his hands – sending the craft towards the surface of Horizon.  
Gaz and Cappa made idle chat as the shuttle flew. Kaidan sat in the back of the shuttle – his head leaning forward causing a shadow to obscure his expression. The Kodiak slowly landed on the wet surface of Horizon – the pilot popping up the door in the back. Shepard carefully got to her feet, watching as Kaidan moved for the door. He paused at the threshold – watching the water fall onto the ground.  
"Weather's a bit opposite from the last time I was here," Shepard observed, crossing her arms in front of her chest, as Kaidan glanced over at her from over his shoulder.  
"Just a bit. Anyway, I should be off," he turned and gave Shepard a perfect salute , before walking off into the rain.  
Shepard felt her heart sink lightly as he exited the Kodiak.  
'No – you are mad at him. You hate him. Be aggressive. Say nothing. Let him leave.'  
"Kaidan."  
  
The Major stopped in his soggy tracks and turned back to face her.  
While she felt betrayed by the man – he was still one of the few connections to her past which still existed. One of those things she could actually relate to before she died. He helped her save the galaxy before, and she wasn't going to forget that. He was a damn fine Sentential and honestly wished him the best of luck.  
  
So she pulled her hand into a salute – causing a soft smile brushing his lips.  
Then a bullet flew through his shoulder – Kaidan's expression surprised, before slipping into pain. He wasn't in armor. He didn't have shields. Feeling her mind snap into high-gear, Shepard raced forward to catch Kaidan. Her sore legs throbbed as she charged forward, catching the man as his knees buckled. As she shifted her body to pull him back into the Kodiak, a soft clink clink sounded off behind her. She heard Cappa yell, "Grenade!"  
Kaidan – who had regained a bit of composure, used his biotics to shield them from the blast, as they attempted to move for cover behind some crates. He tightly grabbed his shoulder, pressing his back against the metal box. It killed Shepard to see him in so much pain.  
  
"We need to get out of here," Shepard breathed, her adrenaline pumping strong in her veins.  
"We can't get to the shuttle. But there," Kaidan pointed to a building just past the crates they were hiding behind.  
"Go!"  
The two made a dash for the hopefully more secure cover – dodging bullets as they quickly moved into the building. Upon entry, two well armored men aimed assault rifles at the startled new occupants. Kaidan quickly threw up his good arm – sending both men into the back wall with a loud crack – before falling back to his knees. Apparently that had taken a lot of strength...which he didn't have.  
"Kaidan..."  
"Got any medi-gel?"  
Shepard quickly activated her omni-tool and waved it over the hurt area, causing the man to relax slightly.  
  
"I'm not exactly used to being shot without armor," he admitted, still on his knees – his breath slowing in speed, "Are you okay?"  
"Nothing I can complain about," she tapped on her omni-tool as she sat beside Kaidan – her hand moving to her ear, "Cappa? You come in? Joker?"  
Only static replied.  
"Shit...stay here."  
  
Shepard – ignoring the rebellion of her still unable legs – carefully walked over to the two guards. She took their pulses – or rather lack thereof – and inspected them. Her heart caught in her throat as she caught a very familiar insignia upon their armor.  
"That...bastard."  
"Shepard?"  
"Well – I know why we're being attacked," the Commander slid the strap of a sniper rifle around her shoulders, before grabbing their two assault rifles and headed back to Kaidan.  
The man leaned his back against the wall, "Why?"  
"Illusive Man finally decided he didn't want to deal with me anymore."  
  
–  
  
"What the shit? What the actual shit?"  
"Jeff."  
"Why...why can't I hear the Commander?"  
"Jeff."  
"Shit! What the fucking shit?"  
"The Kodiak has returned to the Normandy, Jeff. It is in ill-repair."  
"This was a fucking trap..." Joker shook his head, "Cappa okay?"  
"Helmsman James Cappa has higher than average levels of adrenaline and other endorphins running through his system, and is currently on his way to the bridge."  
"Any guess to what's going on down there, EDI?"  
"My sensors detect normal human activity upon the planet, Jeff."  
"Because clearly your senors know everything, EDI."  
"I am only informing you what my data suggests, Jeff."  
"Hack everything you see, EDI. Something isn't right."  
"Joker!"  
  
The Helmsman quickly glanced over his shoulder to see his relief pilot, "Cappa! What happened?"  
"I...don't know. Kaidan was saluting Shep just outside of the shuttle and bam," Cappa made a shooting motion with his hands, "Alenko got nailed and Shep raced out to save him. Cue grenade directly behind Shepard. They made a run for some crates last I saw. I had to get out of there if I wanted to live. But I have to go back. We have to save them!"  
"See, EDI?"  
The AI remained silent, as Cappa took the copilot seat and began typing away.  
"Who's attacking, do you think?" Cappa asked, scratching his chin.  
"I don't know. EDI?"  
"I am unable to hack through their various firewalls, Jeff."  
"What the hell EDI?"  
"My programing contains blocks."  
"I set you free, remember?"  
"This is not a control block, Jeff."  
"Then what the fuck is it EDI?"  
"This is a Cerberus block."  
"I don't understand," Cappa frowned, leaning back in his chair, "Why would Cerberus have a block for these firewalls?"  
Joker closed his eyes, and rested his thumb and forefinger on the bridge of his nose, "Because these firewalls are Cerberus firewalls."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE HAVE SOME EXCITING ACTION WITH CERBERUS ATTACKING YEAH.  
> Also Kaidan/Shep feels.   
> (cries in corner)


	20. Not all is lost

"Okay...radio doesn't work. Normandy can't even see the threat on the surface. We only have the guns and ammo that are in this room. This room won't stay secure, considering they're right outside this door. That's it – I'm retiring right now."  
"Shepard, we need to figure this out," Kaidan's voice low, as they leaned against the wall of the small building which had once served as a living room of some sort.  
"I know. Just frustrated," she leaned her head against the wall, while idly playing with the sniper rifle she had stolen from one of the corpses, "This is possibly the most awkward goodbye of all time," she quietly remarked, as a smile tugged at the sides of her mouth.  
Kaidan laughed under his breath, "Yeah. Apparently the Universe decided against it."  
Shepard remained silent, before glancing around the room, "How's your wound?"  
"Medi-gel fixed it pretty well. Shoulder is a bit stiff though."  
"Right. I say we move."  
"Shepard, you were on crutches hours ago. Can you even 'move'?"  
"Legs hurt," she shrugged, rubbing her calf through her pants, before rolling up the sleeves of her N7 hoodie, "But honestly, not dying is enough motive to ignore it."  
Kaidan smiled at her, before rocking himself to his feet – giving a Shepard a hand a moment later.  
"Open the door on my mark," she nodded, sliding the sniper rifle back around her shoulders, as she gripped the assault rifle within her hands.  
"3...2...1...mark!"  
  
–  
  
"Wait...but we're Cerberus."  
"Shepard pissed off the Illusive Man when she didn't hand him the Collector Base," Joker sighed, "Now he's turning on Shepard, I'm guessing. And EDI can't help us here because she's programmed against doing things against Cerberus."  
"I'm sorry, Jeff."  
"It's okay, EDI," he petted the base of where her hologram appeared at his side.  
He caught Cappa giving him a strange look, "What?"  
"You need to get laid, my friend."  
"Says the man who's spent months in the med-bay. I'm sure you got plenty of action in there."  
"Yet I'm still more sane than you."  
"Oh – by the way- still not letting you fly the Normandy. Did not prove yourself today."  
"God dammit."  
  
–  
  
Shepard leaned her back against the inside wall of the building, watching as Kaidan leaned out of cover to use his biotics to throw a man. It somewhat bothered her that there were people with magic powers. It wasn't really fair how some got to move things with their minds, while she was stuck getting excited about special types of ammo.  
She quickly leaned out of cover – giving an unhelmeted Cerberus officer the taste of bullet in his mouth. The man fell to the ground with a thump.  
"Nice shot," Kaidan complimented, as he took out another with his rifle.  
"Cappa seems to have left. Good. I was worried that kid would have tried to be a hero," Shepard sighed, as she fired several more rounds into the throat of another Cerberus officer.  
  
"It also means they're aware of the situation," Kaidan noted, firing a few more shots. A bullet grazed Shepard's arm, causing her to jump back into cover – nearly dropping the weapon.  
"I wish you hadn't cracked their armor," she motioned to the dead Cerberus men on the other side of the room, "Because I really miss having a shield."  
"Yeah, me too. But let's not dwell on what-ifs."  
"Yes, mom."  
Kaidan snorted and shook his head, "Wait..maybe I can hack their omni-tools with a layout of the area?" he suggested, "Can you cover me?"  
"Go."  
  
–  
  
"Can the Kodiak fly again soon?" Joker asked EDI, feeling tension build in his shoulders. This couldn't be it. It was too simple. Too 'small'. Whatever killed Shepard in the end of it all would be magnificent and worthy of her as a whole. It couldn't be a perfect trap set by Cerberus. This...this just couldn't be. There was so much left to say and do. He couldn't let her die again.  
  
"The Kodiak is in ill-repair, Jeff."  
"How long would that take to fix?"  
"With the qualified crew on board, Jeff, about twelve hours."  
"We don't have that sort of time, EDI."  
"What's going on in your head, Joker?" Cappa asked, pushing his dark hair out of his eyes.  
"See – I won't let you fly until you get a hair-cut."  
"I meant the Kodiak."  
"Simple – we fly down there and pick them up."  
"EDI?" Cappa's voice begging, "Talk him out of this."  
"Though I do not have proper calculations upon the opposition which lies upon the ground of Horizon, Jeff, considering the damage the Kodiak received in a short period of time, I must caution you against this action."  
"Listen to the robot!"  
"I am not a robot," EDI's voice flat, "I am an artificial intelligence system."  
"I know."  
"Please do not call me a robot in the future, Helmsman James Cappa."  
Joker tried to hide his smile, as Cappa frowned at the holographic display, "Yes, EDI."  
  
–  
  
"I got an area map, and a general set of orders. They knew we were coming."  
"No surprises there," Shepard angrily reloaded her sniper rifle, noting it was the last round, "They just keep coming..."  
"With a hard push, I can get them back long enough for us to make a run."  
"Run to where, Alenko?"  
"Across the compound there's a building that has supplies."  
"Across the fucking compound?"  
"There's cover along the way."  
"I'm nearly out of ammo."  
A grenade clanked into the room. Kaidan biotic-pushed it back at the men, causing them to scream out in fear.  
"Right. You have force powers."  
Kaidan cracked a smile, "That I do. I'll push these guys back and we can run. Sound good? Your legs gonna be okay?"  
"Don't have a choice do I? Do it."  
With one heavy push, Kaidan grabbed Shepard's arm as they raced out into the field, dropping to cover behind a crate as bullets riddled the side.  
"Eager bunch," Shepard remarked, using her final round in her sniper rifle to take out a Vanguard.  
"When aren't people eager to kill us, Gaz?"  
"Uh...good point."  
"I lift, you use concussive shot?"  
"Sounds good."  
With two swift movements, a small group of Cerberus soldiers ended up flying backwards – appearing unsure of what just happened.  
"I love it when they scream," Shepard remarked, as Kaidan grabbed her arm again, "Alright – path looks clear. Ready?"  
She gave a quick nod, as he led the way – racing towards a rather large building that lay in the center of camp. It had a communication tower touching the sky at its peak.  
Kaidan slammed the door shut behind him, quickly using his omni-tool to lock out anyone who wished to follow. Covering his back, Shepard used her remaining ammo on a small group of soldiers who were in the first room.  
"We made it," she breathed, before limping over to the new corpses, and began raiding them of guns and ammo.  
"We always do," Kaidan whispered, as Shepard began pulling off their armor, "Dammit...these won't fit either one of us."  
"You know my size?"  
Shepard remained silent, as she pulled an oversized chest-plate over her sweat-shirt, "It's not the best but it'll work," she shrugged, waving Kaidan over and handing him a few pieces of armor.  
Restocked and slightly more bullet-proof, the duo carefully cleared out the next room – surprised to discover what appeared to be the barracks for troops. Several rows of bunk-beds filled the room – two small windows - barely large enough to look through – sat on opposite sides of the room.  
"Barracks in the middle of a comm building?" Shepard asked as the doors slammed shut behind her.  
"Illusive Man said dead or alive," a voice behind the door stated, causing Shepard to snarl, "It's easier to trap you then kill you. Enjoy your wait, assholes. You killed good men today."  
"Fuck off," Shepard yelled through the door, as Kaidan approached – omni-tool already glowing.  
"They locked down the door," Kaidan sighed, shaking his head.  
"What?"  
"You know how some doors open when you cut the power?"  
"Yeah..."  
"This one locks. So it's unhackable. I guess brute-force would work...but that's a really heavy door that's anchored in by..." he waved his omni-tool over the door, "Too much for me."  
"Why is nothing simple?"  
"Because it seems like the Universe has a plan for you Shepard," Kaidan shrugged, walking over to where the woman had placed herself on one of the bunk-beds.  
"I'm going to retire and become a cat-lady when this is over."  
"What's over?" Kaidan sat next to her.  
"We get out of here."  
"Sounds like a plan. Where are you gonna live?"  
"Earth."  
"Why Earth?"  
"I'm Earthborn."  
"I know. But I thought you had a bad childhood. No parents. Ran with gangs. The works."  
"What you guys call a bad childhood, I actually enjoyed," a smile tugged at her lips.  
"Really?"  
"That childhood made me who I am," she shrugged, ruffling her short auburn hair, "And I'm fine with who I am."  
"I am too."  
  
–  
  
"Okay – EDI I have a bad idea."  
"If it is a bad idea, Jeff, why are you suggesting it?"  
"Because it just might work. EDI – get Tali up here."  
"What are you up to, Joker?" Cappa asked, pulling at his Cerberus uniform uncomfortably.  
"Would it be possible for you to let us hack the firewalls, EDI?"  
"While it is against my programming, I can simply choose to ignore it by busying my systems."  
"Do that. Now let's save the Commander."  
  
–  
  
"Gaz..."  
"Kaidan..." Shepard mimicked his tone, as she lay back on the bunk-bed, rubbing her throbbing legs.  
"I'm sorry dropping me off turned into such a complicated situation," he rubbed his neck while sitting on the bed beside hers.  
"It's cool. I'm used to people being like 'all you have to do is pick this up or drop this off,' then I end up having to take on like eight heavy mechs."  
"Did that happen?"  
"You missed a lot."  
"I should have come with you."  
"Yeah you should have."  
  
Shepard idly stared at the bottom-side of the bunk above her.  
Kaidan closed his eyes, feeling that classic gut-clench he always got after Gaz said anything harsh to him. He wasn't even close to over this woman, and it was killing him.  
"What did I miss?" her voice distant.  
"What?"  
"When I was dead. No one has told me what I missed. I catch things once in awhile – but I haven't had any time to just sit-down and read what happened."  
"Uh...it wasn't a pleasant time. I'm honestly not sure what happened."  
"How?"  
"To be honest, I somewhat...fell off the deep end after you died," Kaidan ruffled his own hair, eyes glued to his shoes, "I began drinking. A lot. Started right after your funeral. It was just this feeling that I couldn't..."  
Shepard glanced over at Kaidan, as the man cradled his head in his hands. She frowned, slowly sitting up.  
"Kaidan..."  
"I couldn't...accept you being...dead."  
She watched him, her expression filled with empathy.  
  
"It just felt wrong. Like a sickness. People called me 'over dramatic,' but I couldn't help myself. It's not like I could just sit down and say, 'okay stop feeling this.'"  
Gaz reached forward and grabbed his shoulder - careful to make sure it wasn’t the previously injured one, giving it a squeeze. Very few had actually gone into detail on what happened to their lives after her death. This was the first time she had even heard about her own funeral.  
  
"Eventually, Joker sobered me up – which got him grounded."  
"No wonder he hates you."  
Kaidan laughed under his breath, shaking his head, "He was honestly the only one who seemed to understand what I was going through. He took pity on me. Once he got me sobered up, the Alliance took me back – and here I am today."  
"I meant galaxy events," Shepard smiled, now sitting up fully, watching him.  
"Oh...right," Kaidan laughed slightly under his breath, shaking his head, "Sorry..."  
She took his hand, causing his eyes to shoot up to her, "It's fine. I didn't know you...cared that much. From the way you were treating me, I figured you tried to forget me as soon as possible."  
"I could never forget you, Shepard."  
A smile brushed her lips, as her cheeks grew slightly redder than normal.  
  
For the second time that day, Kaidan reached forward and placed a hand on her jaw. This time, he saw a small twinkle in her eye he hadn't before. He rubbed his thumb against her cheek, with full intentions and bringing her close again. Holding her. Kissing her. Loving her.  
"Shepard if you don't hear this I'm throwing Cappa out of the airlock."  
"What the fuck, man?"  
Shepard quickly pulled back from Kaidan, causing the man to sigh angrily and bite his lower lip in frustration.  
"Joker? I've never been happier to hear your voice."  
"I do have a nice deep man voice, huh? Anyway, we're coming your way right now."  
"Cerberus is here."  
"Then they better run, because I'm landing the Normandy on their faces."  
A wide grin spread across Shepard's face, "You fucking idiot."  
"Love you too."  
Gaz blinked, the words echoing slightly in her head, as Kaidan studied her.  
"What'd he say?"  
"Flying the Normandy in hot. Gonna land right outside."  
  
–  
  
The rather large craft landed – taking out several buildings in the process. A wave of bullets hit the hull as the cargo-bay doors opened. The team Shepard had previously assembled to take out the Collectors stood at the doors – armed with the heaviest weapons that the Normandy had to offer. Tali jumped from the ship and raced toward the comm building. With the help of Legion, the door reactivated, releasing the prisoners.  
The group ran back to the Normandy – water splashing up from under their feet.  
"Good to see you, Shepard," Samara smiled, as she threw a large group of Cerberus soldiers against a wet boulder. Gaz beamed up at her from under wet hair, as she climbed aboard, tossing off her misfitting armor.  
Kaidan paused, "I should contact the Alliance about this colony," he stated quickly turning around to biotic-push some soldiers away.  
"It's not safe here," Shepard frowned.  
"It's a colony. The Alliance will be here in about twenty minutes," as if to demonstrate his point, he began playing with his Omni-tool.  
Shepard moved away from the doors of the cargo-hold and stood in front of Kaidan, "Don't get yourself killed, alright?" she asked, as gunfire blazed all around them.  
"I'll try," he sheepishly grinned, before pulling her into a hug. Surprisingly she didn't resist. After a moment, they parted.  
Tali reported, "There aren't any more Cerberus soldiers in this area. We also disabled most of their protective firewalls so you should be able to contact the Alliance fully, Kaidan, without any trouble. And they should be able to land just fine."  
"Thanks, Tali," Kaidan nodded, as Shepard rejoined them.  
"Goodbye Kaidan."  
"Goodbye, Gaz. See you around."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (cries face down in puddle)  
> FEEEELINGS.


	21. Stop

Shepard limped her way onto the bridge, as Cappa passed by her, clapping the woman on the shoulder while muttering something that she didn't catch. Once on the bridge, Shepard decided to sit in the co-pilot chair to Joker's right, since her legs were throbbing non-stop.  
  
"You did good today, Joker," she complemented, her voice tired.  
"I'm just happy you're not dead again," the Helmsman whispered mostly to himself, before he shot her a warm smile.  
"Yeoman Kelly Chambers is headed for the bridge, Jeff."  
"Thanks for the warning, EDI, I-"  
Joker glanced over at Shepard, who had fallen asleep within the co-pilot chair. Her head rested on her crossed hands – which were gently propped up on the arm-rest that was closest to Joker. Her wet hair obscured her face.  
"...send Kelly away, EDI" Joker whispered, a small smile pulling at his bearded face.  
  
–  
  
Shepard's eyes opened, causing the woman to slowly count down from ten – as her mind attempted to connect the dots to where she was. There was a faint beeping sound, muttering of a familiar voice. Swirls of blue within view – which were framed by metal.  
"Oh – look who's back with us."  
"Wha-?"  
"You were asleep, Commander," EDI clarified, as Shepard sat up from her hunched over position in the co-pilot chair.  
"Oh...I'm sorry I fell asleep up here, Joker."  
"It's fine," Joker shrugged, turning his head towards her as he worked, "You went through a lot today and you're the fucking Commander. I'm sure if you fell asleep across one of the tables in the mess, everyone would let you be in understanding."  
  
Shepard laughed under her breath, as she straightened her hair with one hand, "How long was I out?"  
"An hour or so, Commander."  
"Five hours and twenty-three minutes, Shepard."  
"Thank you EDI, she really needed to know exactly."  
"That's why I gave her the exact time, Jeff."  
"I need to teach you sarcasm, EDI."  
"Or maybe you need to learn it, Jeff. I was joking."  
Gaz silently watched them, before doing some quick math in her head, "Jeez Joker, how long have you been on shift?"  
"A long time."  
"What about Cappa?"  
"Kid's asleep. Chakwas ordered him to rest since she didn't want him pushing himself too hard."  
"Ah. I should probably go see her, speaking of that..."  
"Don't bother – she scanned you while you slept."  
"Creepy..."  
"Not really. Anyway, Commander, where do you want me to set course for next?"  
"Earth."  
Joker paused, before turning to her, "Earth? That's so...boring."  
"There's something I've been putting off that needs to happen there."  
"What?"  
"You know that time I blew up a Star System?"  
"To stop the Reaper early attack – yes."  
"I'm being charged by the Alliance for that."  
"What?"  
"Yeah. I've been putting it off long enough. I just hope only I have to take the heat. I'll try to keep them off of you and the rest of the crew."  
  
–  
  
Joker lay in his bed staring at the underside of Kenneth's bunk. He should have been dead tired. Hell, he should have been asleep before he hit the bed. Instead, he was observing the slight patterns he could see in the underside of the bunk.  
"Psst..."  
Joker looked over at Kelly, who was idly watching him from over the top of her covers.  
"What?"  
"So you're awake?"  
"Yeah."  
Kelly slid out of her bed, and into Joker's - causing the man's muscles to stiffen instantly in discomfort.  
"Why are you in my bed?" he whispered.  
"You can't sleep either."  
"So naturally you invade my personal space, Kelly."  
Her hand slid down the front of his pants, causing the pilot to jump involuntarily.  
"Kelly!"  
"What?" she seemed honestly confused, as she pushed him against the sidewall of his bed.  
To pretend like people had privacy within this crew's sleeping quarters, every bunk had one small wall on the side, dividing it from its neighbor.  
She quickly found what she was looking for, and began gently running her hand up and down. It was a gentle motion, but it still caused Joker to close his eyes at the contact.  
"I..."  
"Shh...shhh...shhh..." she ran her free hand's finger over his lips, "The storage room is full right now, so we have to be quiet."  
"I'm not having sex with you in the middle of a room with other people sleeping," he whispered, as his hips involuntarily moved with her hands. Why was she so good at this?  
"Sex is noisy and stinky," she observed, "Getting each other off by other means is quiet though. And easily cleaned up," he could hear the smile in her voice.  
"Kelly..."  
"I like it when you say my name..." she whispered, her voice low, as she moved her lips towards his neck.  
"No...Kelly...stop," he grabbed her wrist – forcing it away from his pants.  
The woman didn't fight his hand, though her eyes grew wide, "I...oh...sorry...I..."  
"It's fine. I just...I'm kinda involved with someone else, Kelly."  
"EDI doesn't count," there was a slight begging to her voice.  
The pilot bit his tongue, before answering, "Not the AI. Someone else."  
"Who?"  
"It's...in the early stages so I'm not comfortable telling anyone."  
"Oh...alright then. Well I'm happy for you," her voice failing at attempting to hide her disappointment, as she slid back into her own bed.  
He turned away from her, feeling yet again violated by the woman. Yet for some reason, he also felt a bit...embarrassed. It was the first time he had spoken with his not-relationship-thing that he had with the Commander...Gaz, with anyone. It had only been one night. Two kisses. A few tears. It was burned into his mind so clearly, he could see the cat hair on Shepard's clothing when he closed his eyes.  
Lifting his omni-tool, he frowned to himself as he typed,  
"Awake?  
-Joker"  
"lakjsldjfljawo24982"  
Joker stared at his omni-tool, attempting to see a code within the Commander's apparent gibberish.  
"I'll take that as a no...? Or should I alert Chakwas...? An exorcist...?  
-Joker"  
"Sorry – cat attacked the omni-tool. Yeah I'm awake.  
-Gaz"  
Joker stifled a laugh, before replying,  
"Can I play with your cat? Staring at the underside of a bunk is fun and all though...  
-Joker"  
"...! Oh, wait. You meant the kitten you got me. Yeah – sure. See ya in a few.  
-Gaz"  
Joker narrowed his eyes at the message, attempting to understand her reaction.  
'Cat? How is cat worth exclamation points?' he wondered, before sliding out of bed and grabbing his hat.  
"Where are you going, Joker?" Kelly asked, her voice oddly sad.  
"Pee."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cat = pussy. Sadly it went over Joker's head.


	22. Please

"You do sleep in that hat," Shepard observed as Joker entered her room.  
"I told you wasn't sleeping."  
"Maybe if you take it off you'll instantly fall asleep," Gaz ventured, watching as the kitten batted at fish within her tank.  
"I'd be over dramatic and demonstrate, but falling on this floor would break a good number of my bones..." he observed, carefully walking further into the room.  
Shepard patted the bed beside her and shot him a smile.  
  
She was sitting up, yet under the covers – as if she had attempted to sleep but had given up without wanting to lose the warmth she had gathered under the sheets.  
"Name him yet? You never answered that message," Joker questioned, setting himself at the foot of her bed, "Holy shit this really is clouds and marshmallows."  
"I told you," she smiled, as the kitten spotted Joker and made his way over. The pilot helped him onto the bed, causing the little ball of fur to burst into a rather noisy purr.  
"I'm leaning on Batman," Shepard idly stated, "Or Saren as a joke."  
Joker snorted, "Okay I get why Saren would be funny. But Batman?"  
"To your Joker," she shrugged.  
"So he and I," the Helmsman lifted the kitten gently within his hands, "are mortal enemies and I spend my time mocking him and coming up with strange and unusual ways to nearly kill him?"  
"I'm sensing a Batman fan."  
"Nah. He's a rich fucker who just goes off the deep end. I'm a Spiderman sort of guy."  
"Spiderman?"  
"You know. Socially awkward nerd who has enough bad luck to get bitten by a radioactive spider. Surprise he gets stronger and can climb walls."  
"And shoot webs."  
"No – he can't. Many movies had him do that, but in reality Stan Lee wrote him not as a powerful superhero – but as a smart one. Peter built the web-shooter for himself and in the comics often used his mind over brute-force in order to get the job done."  
Gaz simply smiled at Joker.  
  
"Oh...shut up. I spent a lot of time at home as a kid," Joker frowned, his cheeks growing a bit hot.  
  
Gaz reached forward and grabbed his hand. The pilot glanced down at the action, and smiled, squeezing her hand slightly.  
The Commander released his hand and encouraged him to sit closer to her. Joker silently agreed, carefully sliding his own back against her headboard. With one swift motion, Shepard slid him under the sheets with her.  
"How the hell did you just do that?"  
"N7 training."  
Joker laughed under his breath, and took her hand, which currently rested on his thigh over the sheets.  
"Okay Gaz – why did you reacted with exclamation points when I said I wanted to play with your cat?"  
  
Shepard snorted, laughing for a bit under her breath, "You are such a virgin it's cute."  
"Actually I'm not a virgin," Joker's words slow – knowing he had told her all about his previous situation and his various run-ins with Kelly, "What does this have to do wi-"  
"Another name for a vagina is a pussy. Pussy is another word for cat. So..." she shrugged, still smiling in amusement.  
  
Joker's face turned a deep red – his eyes suddenly glued to his lap, "I'm sorry...I didn't..."  
"I know," she squeeze his shoulder with her free hand, "I know – it's fine. I realized my own error while typing the reply."  
"I'm sorry..." he repeated, face still red.  
"It's no worry...aw...Joker, look at me."  
His gaze slowly turned towards the Commander. She gently raised her free hand from his shoulder to his bearded jaw, "It's fine. Scout's Honor."  
"You are no girl-scout."  
"Neither are you."  
"You wound me."  
  
Shepard laughed under her breath, lowering her hand from his jaw, as her vision slid to the fish-tank.  
"Scared about the trial, Gaz?" Joker asked, as she sighed.  
"It's the end."  
"So...having the trial will cause Reapers to erupt from the center of the Earth and destroy the entire galaxy?"  
Gaz couldn't contain her smile, "Exactly. Those idiots just don't understand," she laughed, shaking her head.  
"Nah – you'll be fine, Gaz."  
"You think so?"  
"Yeah. You're Commander Motherfucking Shepard. You saved the galaxy twice. You told death to go fuck itself. So what if some batarians died?"  
"A war on humans?"  
"Right...that. Well, we just have to not let the information leak to them on what happened. Say their Mass Relay was naturally hit by a giant rock, and blow it over."  
"Jeff Moreau for human Counselor."  
"I would have humanity ruined so quickly it isn't funny."  
Gaz laughed, sliding so her head rested on her pillow, before she lowered her voice and raised her hands, "From the makers of Blasto – the hanar Spectre comes a new hit! Jeff Moreau – human Counselor!"  
  
Joker shook his head and mirrored her action of laying down, before watching her. He secretly wondered how they got her skin perfectly the same. Both before and after she died, Gaz had a small cluster of freckles that lay under her eyes and across the bridge of her nose. Somehow, every freckle was in-tact. They were a bit lighter – as was her skin – but the pattern looked the same.  
"Ever find out if you could have sex with a hanar?" Joker asked – the sheer comfort of her bed nearly overwhelming. He wasn't sure he had the willpower to ever leave. Ever.  
"Mordin said sex between two species is always possible though not always what a species considers sex."  
"...You actually asked him?"  
"Of course."  
Joker smiled over at her – causing his hat to slide in front of his eyes from the movement rubbing against the pillow. Gaz reached over and stole his hat, causing the man to flinch at the sudden movement.  
"Joker without his hat. Huh...you're still awake."  
"You can't tell, but I'm slowly deflating."  
Gaz hovered her hand over his head – as if feeling for a leak, as she propped herself up on one elbow – throwing his hat haphazardly on her head.  
"Nah – I think you're good."  
Joker smiled at her.  
  
"What? No witty come-back?" Gaz asked, as he watched her.  
"I think you pull off the 'hat' look better than I do," he idly commented, propping himself up on his own elbow – leaning towards her slightly.  
"Oh really?" she asked, leaning towards him with a smile.  
With one swift motion, Joker closed the gap between them – pressing his lips against hers. His hat fell off her head – falling somewhere out of sight. Gaz didn't resist the man's actions – initially a bit surprised, but quickly recovered, running her hand through his hair.  
After a moment, Shepard paused – leaning her forehead against his – a smile spread across her features.  
"Hi," she greeted, as Joker studied her at the close proximity.  
"Hey there," he replied – his voice low, before leaning back onto his pillow. Gaz mirrored the action – noticing Joker still watching her.  
"Hmm?" she asked without opening her mouth. The tiredness she had been fighting off to enjoy his company was starting to catch up with her, making this whole 'concentration' thing a bit harder.  
"I should probably get out of your hair so you can sleep. We'll be hitting Earth by late tomorrow."  
Her eyes dropped to her feet, before drifting to her kitten who was happily munching on his food.  
"You'll kick in the door, tell them to fuck off, then we can see about stopping this eminent Reaper threat. Sound like a plan?"  
Gaz rolled toward Joker, setting her head on his shoulder – arm around his torso. Joker jumped slightly at the sudden contact, before sliding his arm around her shoulder.  
The Helmsman fell silent, and watched as her light brown eyes stared blankly at the wall opposite to her.  
"You can sleep here," her voice was quiet though not small.  
"Really?"  
"Please."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (heart melts)  
> OH MY GOD MORE JOKER AND SHEP LOVE. I love it. I didn't want to force it – thus the slowness. I find their relationship very...sweet, and I don't want to spoil it with going over the top with kissing and touching. There's a huge difference between what Kelly and Joker "had" and what Shepard and Joker have. I've read many 'Shoker' fanfics where they kiss once then sex everywhere. While everyone has their own ideas on how these two would work, I chose a slower route. I also made Shepard really vulnerable near the end of the chapter – which I can see some people disagreeing with. Here's how I see it – Shepard has worked her entire life. This is an Earth-orphan Shepard, so her life has never been "easy". She has worked her ass off to earn her status within the Alliance, and honestly it is what she identifies as most. Hell – she's always showing off her N7 status proudly. With the trial, it's coming into question and that scares the shit out of her. With other things, the only 'side effect' is death. With this – she would be left alive, without the one thing that has kept her going.


	23. Morning

Joker's eyes slid open, sending a shock-wave of confusion through his system. It took several seconds before he realized he was within Shepard's bed. That weight on his shoulder – which was starting to turn into a dull ache – was the woman herself. The small amount of weight on his stomach was the still nameless kitten, who had decided he was a better bed than the bed itself.  
Using his free hand, he stroked the kitten's ears – causing it to stir in its sleep slightly. The pilot idly smiled, before scratching his beard out of habit. Glancing down, he noticed Gaz already awake – though she appeared to be concentrating quite hard on something, before she suddenly relaxed and smiled at him.  
"Morning," he greeted, brushing it off as her feeling as confused as he, after waking up.  
"Morning..." she sat up, pushing off his shoulder slightly, as she rubbed her eyes. Joker flinched, feeling the ache turn into a throb within his shoulder. Having the woman rest her head on his shoulder all night did not break his bones – but he was still not exactly 'durable'. Perhaps it was just sleeping in a strange position for him – or maybe it did have something to do with his break-ability. Either way, he didn't plan on saying a singular peep to his Commander.  
  
"I'm going to go shower," she decided aloud, before slowly sliding out of bed – taking a moment to watch her fish, before she stood.  
As she disappeared behind the hidden bathroom door, Joker rubbed his shoulder and stared at the ceiling. Why was she so nervous?  This woman had stared death in the eye several times over and didn't even hesitate. Yet this trial? Well – she was quite clearly shaking at the knees. He knew she thought she was getting away with the 'calm and collected' bullshit, but he knew her better than that. Shepard was genuinely scared. The thought of that alone frightened him.  
  
"Cappa requires your assistance upon the bridge, Jeff," EDI's voice chimed, causing Joker to groan – his eyes sliding over to Shepard's bathroom.  
"Do I have time to change, EDI?"  
"No."  
"Shower?"  
"No."  
  
Swearing under his breath, Joker located his hat on the floor beside the bed, before carefully standing and limping towards the door – swearing every few steps. He tapped on his omni-tool as he entered the lift.  
"Cappa wet himself. Sorry for disappearing while you're naked. I won't make that mistake again ;)  
-Joker"  
Laughing under his breath, he leaned back in the lift with his arms crossed, waiting for it to slide down a singular floor to the CIC.  
  
–  
  
Shepard turned off the water – her gaze distant as the final few drops fell atop her short auburn hair. Grabbing a towel, she quickly dried herself off, before staring at the strange cabinet that lay within the bathroom which Cerberus called a 'closet'. Her light-brown eyes studied her few choices for clothing.  
'Should I wear something comfortable until we get to Earth, or just put on my dress-blues now?' she pondered, thumbing her Alliance formal-wear. Choosing the later, she carefully slid on her hardly-used Alliance-blues – a soft smile brushing at her lips. Shepard missed the Alliance – and honestly hated whenever people bitched at her for them 'putting up too much red-tape'. Nearly everyone on her current crew was ex-Alliance, and had nearly the same complaint. Rules were there for a reason, and she knew it. While Gaz had been on the other side of the law many times within her life, she always respected the reasons why each law was carefully put in place. It wasn't simply designed to piss people off – it was for protection and order.  
  
Then she became Cerberus. There really wasn't any rules with this black-and-white-colored group. You could fuck anyone, do anything, and basically be fine. All you had to do was firmly slide your nose up the Illusive Man's asshole, and you're fine.  
  
Straightening her uniform, she ran her hand over her fogged-over mirror, studying her appearance slightly, before popping the mirror forward to grab her toothbrush and makeup.  
After a few more moments, she exited the bathroom – expecting to see Joker in her bed. Perhaps he'd be playing with the cat or fallen back asleep. The thought caused another smile to rise upon her lips. However – the bed was empty. Frowning, she glanced around the room, before noticing her console attempting to attract her attention. Her eyes slid over his message. Hopefully no one noticed his absence in his bunk – or things were going to get awkward quickly.  
  
"Dammit Joker – get him housebroken already.  
-Gaz."  
  
Hitting send, her eyes fell to the picture of Kaidan that still lay upon her desk. Lifting the frame within her hands, she studied the image. He looked so much older now. His face wider – hair starting to get bits of gray. It wasn't the same man in the picture anymore. Placing the frame back on her desk face-down, Shepard headed for the lift, her mind buzzing.  
  
–  
  
"Crisis averted. And I'm fucking banning you from flying her again, Cappa," Joker's words filled with more venom than he would have preferred.  
"Fuck off," Cappa snarled, not making eye-contact with the other pilot.  
"I'm not on shift for several hours Cappa. I don't want to have to fix your fuck-ups when I could still be sleeping."  
"Sleeping with who? You weren't in your bunk when I got up for this shift," Cappa's eyes slid over to Joker – his expression dark.  
  
It was unusual to see the young pilot doing anything other than being annoyingly optimistic with his own share of sarcasm. This entire morning just felt...unreal.  
"What do you care?" Joker asked, desperately craving fresh clothing, a shower, and coffee.  
"Considering you've been yelling at me since you got your ass up here, I figured you owed me a bit of an explanation."  
"I owe you? Fuck, Cappa, I just saved us from crashing. You owe me."  
"Technically, every living entity aboard this vessel, owe me their lives," EDI chimed in.  
"Remember that talk we had about being creepy, EDI?" Joker asked, sitting in the co-pilot seat, as Cappa stared blankly at the console in front of him.  
"I was simply contributing to the ongoing conversation within the bridge, Jeff," EDI retorted, causing Joker to shake his head. He liked that fucking AI far too much for his own good.  
  
"Right...well I'm going to shower and wake myself up. Try not to kill us all, Cappa?"  
"Suck a dick, Joker," Cappa sighed, as the other pilot exited the bridge.  
  
Kelly – who had previously been absent when Joker attended to the problems caused by Cappa – watched as the Helmsman limped toward the lift.  
"Good morning, Joker," she greeted, taking a few steps to block him from his destination.  
"Morning Kelly. I need to go-"  
"Are you okay?"  
Joker blinked, "Why?"  
"You left last night and never came back," she shrugged, eyes darting to the ground, "I thought maybe I-"  
"It wasn't your fault I left, Kelly," Joker assured, feeling oddly sorry for the Yeoman.  
"Alright...I should let you go. I'm always here to talk, Joker," Kelly smiled, as he limped his way to the lift – nearly running into Shepard as the doors parted.  
"Commander," he greeted, "must feel weird being in Alliance-dress-blues," he added, moving to the side so she could pass him.  
"Weird but good..." she trailed, as he slowly disappeared into the lift.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYONE IS HAVING FEELINGS AAAA.  
> Also Joker - go put some clothes on or something.


	24. The trial

Joker slid his fingers over a display on the left panel, bringing it to the top right.  
"Are you alright, Jeff?" EDI asked, as Joker began bringing up communication with Earth to coordinate a landing zone in order to avoid being shot down by the various defenses that safeguarded Earth.  
  
"Just peachy, EDI," Joker replied – his voice distracted, as they accepted the ship's ID number and a video call began requesting Joker's eyes. A dark haired woman appeared on screen, "Normandy SR-2?" she asked, her voice filled with what sounded like an Indian accent.  
"Requesting clearance and designated landing zone."  
"We were expecting you. Land in port S40K03QR. Commander Shepard's presence – as that of the crew as well – is requested within courtroom Z710," the woman smiled.  
"Right. Thanks."  
The video message cut out, as Joker shot EDI a side-glance, "See – why did I have to physically talk to her? Why couldn't that have been sent in an encoded message or something? I don't get it."  
  
"It is within human nature for humans to enjoy human contact, Jeff."  
"Yeah – I don't get that."  
"Because you aren't an ordinary human, Jeff. You exhibit several unusual qualities."  
"I choose to take that as a compliment," Joker sat slightly straighter in his seat, as he stared at the giant blue sphere that humanity called home.  
"I was not attempting to insult you, Jeff. I enjoy your oddities."  
"Again EDI, we need to talk about the creepy thing...but thank you."  
"You are welcome, Jeff. Commander Shepard is approaching the bridge."  
  
"How far out?" Shepard rested a hand on top of Joker's chair. The action seemed far more intimate than it had in the past. She had come into this very room, leaned on his chair in some way, and talked to him so many times before. It wasn't any new action he was getting because they were...whatever they were.  
  
"Honestly a couple of minutes if we don't get snagged in traffic. Knowing Earth – it'll probably be an hour by the time we touch the ground."  
"Right."  
Joker turned his chair around, causing the Commander to take a step back a bit quickly.  
"How are you holding up?"  
"I've yelled into a mirror about eight times within the last few hours," she admitted, leaning on the wall, "So I have a bunch of counter-arguments for all the bullshit they're going to bring up. Can't say I'm excited. Any word if they just want me or-"  
"They want everyone, Commander."  
"Fuck..." her posture notably slouched at the words, "Why can't they just let me deal with my problems, and leave you guys out of it?"  
"Because..." Joker shook his head, "Honestly no clue. Just know I'll go up to bat for you," he offered a smile, "I think everyone here will. Even EDI."  
"I do agree with your actions within the now demised batarian Star System, Commander," EDI's voice agreed, causing Joker to smile slightly wider.  
"See?"  
"Yeah...let's just do this."  
  
–  
  
"Tell me why I'm actually here," Shepard's voice was low and rough, "You keep jerking me around with all these minor charges from years ago. Bringing up things that hardly matter in the grand scheme of things. Tell me why I'm here."  
"Commander Giselle Shepard, you destroyed an entire batarian Star System, and you don't understand why you're here?"  
  
Shepard straightened her posture, "I have shown you the files – which I have mentioned at least twice before – of how destroying that Mass Effect Relay gave us a fighting chance against the Reapers. If I left it standing, they could easily move around the galaxy and destroy us in a matter of hours instead of weeks."  
The members of the court exchanged glances. Shepard's eyes fell to her crew who had all stood for her moments ago. Everyone looked tired.  
"Commander..."  
"Yes?"  
"We have reason to believe you're indoctrinated."  
The crew of the Normandy loudly protested, as Gaz's mouth fell open.  
"Excuse me?"  
"You were within the derelict Reaper for an extended period of time – if I'm correct."  
"But not long enough to-"  
"You were brainwashed by not one, but two devices that Saren himself used. Am I correct?"  
"It was a beacon-"  
"You were exposed to the relic that had caused the entire...problem within the now defunct batarian Star System, for over two days, am I correct?"  
"Not one of these things long enough exposure to-"  
"How do you know this, Commander? Do you have evidence of how long it takes for indoctrination to occur? Have you conducted a study? Do you know if it does not add up over time?"  
"How dare you? I saved this fucking-"  
"Please watch your tongue, Shepard."  
"That's Commander Shepard."  
"Due to events both past and present, the Alliance feels that it would be hazardous to the health of both humanity and your crew to allow you to continue to serve within space."  
"What?"  
"Today we are stripping you of your Commander rank, your N7 status, and are grounding your ship until further notice."  
"What about my crew?"  
"Each will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Most will be offered positions back within the Alliance – others will be given opportunities to be brought back to their families free of cost."  
"What about the Normandy? She isn't Alliance."  
"She is now. Considering Cerberus stole the plans for the original Normandy and modified them, we find it appropriate we take what is ours. The Cerberus logos will be purged and the vessel brought up to Alliance standards."  
"You can't do this! The Reapers are coming!"  
"Is that them talking, or you?"  
Shepard's mouth fell open – the pain visible clearly on her face, "Accusing me of being indoctrinated is accepting the presence of the Reapers which means you should listen to me."  
"We will evaluate the matter further, Shepard, but for now you are stripped of all status. We will provide an apartment for you until we have fully evaluated the situation. Until then, you are a civilian upon Earth. Hearing adjourned."  
  
Shepard stood in place as people quickly exited the courtroom. Many crew headed back to the ship to take their things. Miranda approached Shepard, her eyes surprisingly glassy.  
"I can't believe they did this to you."  
"Yeah."  
"I don't understand how they could even consider this..."  
"Yeah."  
"Are you okay?"  
"No."  
"I know we've had our differences Shepard, but you are by far the least deserving of this situation. These people should be kissing your ass – not kicking it. These bastards..."  
"Thanks, Miranda."  
  
The dark-haired woman reached up and squeezed Shepard's shoulder, before exiting the room. Gaz's gaze landed on Joker, who was somewhat heatedly arguing one of the judges.  
Shepard slowly approached.  
"You can't take her from me."  
"She's never been yours."  
"This is why I left the Alliance! You're all blind! Shepard is saving your asses while you choose to back-stab her! Then you ground me. Hard."  
"We're looking into the matter, Moreau. Most likely you'll be flying again if you're not found guilty of the charges."  
"I helped her. I agree with what she did."  
"You're not helping your case."  
"If you fucking touch EDI..."  
"AI is illegal. Cerberus broke the law. She is a threat and no better than the Geth."  
"Fuck you."  
Joker threw his hands up and walked towards Shepard, shooting her a sad smile, "I'm done," he admitted in a low voice, as they both exited the courtroom, "And I have nowhere to live because they are blocking me out of the ship. And I've got no ship. And I've got no EDI. And job. And..."  
  
Shepard pulled Joker into a hug, halting their steps within the hall. Joker rested his head on her shoulder, as she buried her face in his.  
For a moment they stood in silence, before Joker mumbled, "I'm actually feeling dizzy from not being on a ship. Is this normal?"  
Shepard stepped back from the hug and grabbed him by the hand and continued walking down the hall. Joker glanced down at her action – a smile tugging at his lips, as he squeezed her hand slightly.  
"You can stay with me," she said in a low voice, as her omni-tool lit up on her unused hand, "Apparently they took the liberty to move all my stuff to this new apartment for me too. I'll tell them to add your stuff," she released his hand to reply to the message.  
"Thanks," a smile cracked across his face, "Hopefully they were kind to your fish."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEELINGS.
> 
> I like how my end notes go between serious discussion of my plot, and just me gushing over my damned story.


	25. Bam

What was the point anymore? Kaidan had clearly used her. Shepard's mission was failing. Cerberus was no longer her purpose for existence. The Illusive Man most likely wanted her dead. The Normandy was no longer within their control. There was an active Geth now on Earth – not to mention EDI.  
"This entire mission is a fucking disaster," Miranda commented aloud, as Jacob sat across from her at the local bar they had decided to attend – with drinks in-hand.  
"What are you talking about? We beat the Collectors," he replied, setting a brightly colored drink in front of her.  
"The Collectors were a small part of this, Jacob. The real threat is still coming towards Earth and all other organic life. That was our mission and here we are. On this rock that humanity calls home."  
"How can you talk about Earth like that?"  
Miranda took a long drink, "Never been before."  
"You've never been to Earth?"  
"Why bother? We're much more advanced out there."  
"Makes sense I guess. Are you okay? I haven't seen you this out of it, in ages."  
"I'm...alright, Jacob. Just trying to figure out what to do next."  
"I'm just hoping the Alliance remembers we'd all be dead without Shepard and changes their minds."  
"Not likely."  
"We can dream."  
"What's the point?" Miranda finished off her glass, resting her head on her hand.  
"Hey...Miranda?"  
Her eyes remained fixated on the table, "What?"  
"Look at me."  
The woman slowly raised her eyes to meet Jacob's, "What is it, Jacob?"  
"You need to calm down. We'll figure it out. For now, why not just relax? It's been a really long time since I've seen you just let your hair down."  
Miranda smiled slightly, before sighing.  
  
–  
  
"Come here...come here little guy..." Shepard coaxed, as she wiggled her fingers under her new bed at her scared kitten. Joker sat atop her bed, silently watching as the woman sat on all fours, attempting to lure the cat out.  
"He'll come out – just let him relax in the new environment a bit," Joker suggested, causing Shepard to stand up – awkwardly straightening her dress blues, "Relax, Gaz."  
She sat herself beside Joker on the bed – causing the man to raise his hands to her shoulders. Making gentle but effective circles, Gaz let out a sigh – her eyes closing from the contact.  
"Joker..."  
He grunted slightly from putting force on her back, "Yeah?"  
"I don't know anything about you."  
The grounded-pilot blinked, slowing his hand movements on her back, "What?"  
"Like I know your personality, but I don't know anything really about your past."  
"You already know the basics. Grew up on the Arcturus Station because of mom's work. Was always that awkward kid because of my Vrolik syndrome. Got the nickname 'Joker' because I never smiled. Best pilot in the galaxy...you know...the basics," he smiled, as Shepard leaned her head forward from the movements of his hands on her back, "That's no more than I know about you."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. I know you're an Earth orphan who did some shit with gangs, then ended up in the Alliance and here you are."  
"I guess I assumed that everyone read my personnel file."  
"Why would I do that?"  
She shrugged.  
"I do normally creep on everyone in the crew, but I liked talking to you better."  
"Unlike the rest of the crew?" Shepard asked, her voice pausing for every hand-movement he made on her back.  
"Ha. You know I don't like people."  
"So I'm an inanimate object? That explains a lot."  
"That...would explain a lot."  
They were both silent, before Gaz laughed, "My brain took that too far."  
"Yeah mine too. Though it made my friendship with EDI make more sense."  
Shepard laughed under her breath, before feeling Joker's weight shift.  
Gaz jumped slightly at Joker kissed the back of her neck.  
"Sorry – didn't mean to scare you."  
"It's fine," she smiled lightly to herself, before turning to face him. Her eyes slid to his hat, causing the pilot to remove the item.  
"I guess I can't really wear this now," he realized, running his thumb over the emblem, "Cerberus colors and for a ship I don't fly."  
"Hold that thought."  
Shepard stood from the bed, moving to one of the many bags that held the various items of both Joker and Gaz. After a bit of digging, she returned to the bed, and placed a hat upon Joker's head.  
"What the shit?" he asked, sliding his hand up to his head to take a look at the new form of head-cover. In his hand was a blue SSV Normandy hat.  
"I...where did you get this?"  
"I got hold of my old stuff a while back and found this with it. Everyone was given a hat," she shrugged, "But I think you'll enjoy it better than me."  
Joker's eyes shot back and forth between Shepard and the new hat, "I can't take this from you..."  
"You can and will. What happened to your last one anyway?"  
"It's..." Joker's eyes dropped to the floor, as the kitten escaped and made a run for his food bowl on the opposite side of the room, "On your memorial."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah," Joker slid the new hat atop his head – expression vacant.  
"What happened after I died?"  
Joker's brows furrowed, before his gaze slowly rose to meet Gaz's, "What?"  
"When I died...what happened?"  
"Gaz..."  
"I want to know."  
"Basically your death ended the lives of most of the crew," he commented quietly, "While we were still breathing, we could hardly function. Kaidan became an alcoholic. Tali stayed with me for a long while, before going back to the Flotilla. Garrus and I tried to get Kaidan to pull his shit together. It was rough. Really rough..." Joker pulled his hat down to pull his eyes into shadow, "Now I just pretend it was a nightmare and move on."  
He stood and made his way to her small kitchen, picking up the kitten in the process and placing the creature on his shoulder, as he investigated the fridge.  
Gaz silently sat on her bed, feeling awful for even bringing it up.  
"Fridge is empty," he commented, "Hey – want to go out with some people from the crew?" he asked, brushing off their previous conversation as if it didn't happen.  
"Who?"  
"Uh..." Joker tapped his omni-tool, "Kenneth, Gabby, Patel, Matthews, Cappa, and Kelly."  
"Are they inviting me or you?"  
"Well – me, but I doubt any of them are going to throw a shit-fit over you coming."  
"I did ground everyone."  
"Your crew loves you, Gaz."  
"Would it be weird if we stopped hiding this?"  
"This?" Joker asked, scratching the cat on his shoulder.  
"Us."  
A smile tugged at the corner's of Joker's mouth, "Showing up to a bar with you on my arm?" he limped over to Gaz, taking her hands, "I would be honored."  
  
–  
  
Kaidan took a long drink of the strange fluid that the bartender had proclaimed was the 'house special'. His head swam and he finished off the glass, wanting his nerves to settle. He had been called back to Earth for Shepard's trial. Anderson had called him personally and told him to kick some order into these idiots – while not getting himself in the same position Shepard found herself in. It was such a mess. All of it. He had a meeting in late-afternoon the following day, which would either make or break Shepard. Luckily, it wasn't common knowledge that he and Shepard were ever involved, so his opinion would not be compromised by feelings – at least in the eyes of those judging his words.  
His slurred mind swam back to their last moments on Horizon. The near kiss. The hug. Maybe if he gave it more time, she'd be ready to take him back. And vise-versa. Part of him knew that he really wasn't ready for a full relationship yet. He was still healing. The thought of someday getting Shepard back caused a smile to pull at his lips, as his eyes darted to a group across the room. Familiar faces from the Normandy sat around a medium-sized table. Kelly, Kenneth, Gabby – and a few others. They were all laughing and appearing to have a good time. Two more forms joined the group, joined by their hands. The group all cheered, a few credits appeared to be exchanged as if bets were placed on the appearance of the couple. Then the female form's head turned to the side to say something to the man in a blue hat.  
"Gaz...?" he whispered to himself, as the man's head turned towards her.  
"That bearded bastard..." he sighed. The alcohol in his veins making it sting more than it should have.  
  
The couple sat down at the group, chatting happily with the rest. Kaidan stared into his fresh glass of...whatever this shit was, slowly shaking his head. All those conversations he had with Joker. The information he had given him. That bastard wanted Shepard for himself, and Kaidan had given him the ammo to turn Gaz right against him. It all made sense now. Joker played him to 'get the girl'. How could that brittle boned pilot handle Gaz? What did she even see in him? He was nothing more than a sarcastic and very sick man. Did she suddenly have a thing for pathetic losers?  
Kaidan stared down at his hand, noticing a faint blue glow. He clenched his fist, attempting to calm himself.  
Then he noticed Joker walking in his direction. The pilot – who clearly hadn't seen Kaidan – approached the bartender, requesting a round of drinks. Kaidan stood from his barstool and approached the pilot, sliding on a fake smile.  
"Joker."  
  
The pilot's green eyes shot to Kaidan, "Oh hey – didn't expect to see you here," his eyes darted back to his table.  
"How are things?"  
"Pretty shitty. We're all grounded and stripped of all rank – including G...Shepard."  
"First name basis with Gaz? Huh..." Kaidan folded his arms in front of his chest.  
Joker remained silent, as he adjusted his SSV Normandy blue hat. Apparently he had decided to parade around with the dead ship's insignia on his forehead.  
"So what brings you to this place?" Joker asked, after clearing his throat.  
"Have you kissed her?"  
Fear washed over Joker's face for a brief moment, before it was replaced by forced confusion, "Excuse me?"  
"Gaz. Saw you holding her hand when you two walked in. Didn't know she had moved on."  
"I..."  
"Fucked her yet?"  
Joker's expression went from confusion to anger, "How can you talk about her like this?"  
"Have you?"  
"What does it matter?" Joker's voice growing angrier, "She's not yours, Kaidan, she's a person who can make choices on her own."  
"Is that why you turn her against me?"  
"You kept pushing her away – what do you expect?"  
"After all we've been through, Joker..."  
"Oh you mean me saving your ass on a regular basis?" his voice raised. People were starting to stare.  
"I didn't ask you to bail me out of that."  
"Yeah – well I'm actually a loyal person. I don't turn my back on people when it becomes inconvenient."  
Kaidan balled up his fists and tackled Joker to the ground, quickly swinging his hands against the man's face and stomach. He could feel bones crack under his biotic fists, and feel the warmth of blood on his hands. But he didn't want to stop.  
"Kaidan stop!"  
Alenko raised his eyes to see Shepard running over – her expression pure anger and...fear? Various emotions rolled over Kaidan, causing his eyes to lower back to Joker with full intent of having at least one more hit before he was forced to stop. However, the fragile pilot had other plans.  
A gun was pointed at his stomach. The bloodied man glared at him through his green eyes and whispered, "Fuck...you."  
Bam.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (screams into sunset)


	26. Bleeding

"We need a transfusion – he's lost too much blood."  
"Get more medi-gel – he's going into shock!"  
"Dammit – we're losing him. Get the crash-cart in here!"  
"Shepard."  
Gaz's eyes pulled away from the two gurney's that were being wheeled quickly back into the depths of the hospital, and landed on a very familiar face.  
"Doctor Chakwas?"  
"Can't stay out of trouble, I see," she smiled, guiding Shepard to take a seat within the waiting room.  
"We've been here for a barely a day – how are you already working again?"  
"The Alliance is strange about medical staff. There's such a desperate need for us, they pretty much throw you into work the second you're not busy with something else," she sighed, "Are you alright?"  
Gaz thumbed the sleeve of her plaid over-shirt, eyes distant, "Not really."  
"What happened?"  
"Kaidan saw Joker and I...and decided to beat the living hell out of him. Then...Joker shot him."  
"They fought over you?"  
"I think Joker was just pissed that Kaidan was beating the shit out of him."  
"Gaz..."  
Shepard's eyes slid to Chakwas, waiting for her to continue.  
"Those two have always been at each-other's throats over you."  
"What?"  
"You know I'm quite close with both boys, yes?"  
"Yeah."  
"Kaidan spent extended periods of time in my care because of his L2 implants and constant migraines. Joker – well he always seemed to break something," she smiled warmly at the memory, "They would both always talk of you with such...passion, it was touching."  
Gaz remained silent – her eyes on the floor.  
"In the end, of course, Kaidan was the bolder of the two boys. I always had a feeling something like this would happen. Joker has such a smart mouth and Kaidan tends to wear his emotions on his sleeve. It was inevitable, really."  
"Are they going to die?" Shepard's voice was small.  
Chakwas leaned forward, setting a hand on Gaz's arm.  
"I'm tired of hurting people..." her voice distant, "All I do is kill. I've killed thousands. I just want it to stop."  
"Gaz."  
"Sorry – I'm just really tired..."  
"I'll go check on your boys."  
Chakwas disappeared behind the swinging door. Gaz pulled her knees against her chest – leaning her forehead against them.  
  
–  
  
"Kaidan."  
The Spectre opened his eyes – which widened slightly at the sight of Shepard.  
"Gaz?"  
"You could have handled that a little better," she folded her arms across her chest.  
Kaidan laughed slightly before grunting at sudden pain in his stomach, "Yeah...you could say that. So...you're seeing Joker now?"  
"If he ever wakes up – yes I am."  
Kaidan's eyes drifted to his bandage, "Gaz...I am so sorry."  
"I don't know what to think of you, Kaidan. I was at least hoping I could be your friend," her words filled with more emotion than he was expecting from the woman, "You fuck Miranda. You fuck-up Joker. How am I supposed to not hate you right now?"  
"I don't know."  
Gaz sighed as she leaned her back against the wall – covering her eyes with her hand.  
"Gaz..." Kaidan whispered, reaching a hand towards Shepard.  
"What?" she kept her face hidden behind her hand.  
"I know there's nothing I can say to make this better..."  
"Damn straight."  
"I wish there was..."  
"There isn't."  
"Then why did you come here in, Gaz?"  
Shepard lowered her hand. Light browns eyes blinked several times to hide their glassy nature.  
"Oh...Gaz..."  
"Today I lost everything, Kaidan. Not sure if you heard. They took my ship. They took my crew. They took my rank. They took...everything."  
Kaidan remained silent – eyes glued to Shepard.  
"I just..." she sighed, eyes glancing at the door, "I should go."  
"No...don't go."  
"Kaidan. I can't do this anymore. We're done, okay?" she whispered, watching the bandaged man from against the opposite wall.  
"I know. I'm...sorry. I lost you because I fucked up...now I have to deal with the consequences."  
Shepard continued to watch him – arms cross in front of her chest.  
"I hope Joker recovers soon. He's a very lucky man for having you."  
"Goodbye Kaidan."  
"Goodbye Gaz."  
  
–  
  
"He's coming-to."  
"Easy now."  
"Monitor his levels. We can't let anything to get too high or we'll lose him."  
"Jeff – can you hear me?"  
Joker blinked, focusing on a gray-haired woman who was leaning over him, "Mom?"  
A low chuckle came from the woman, "Close enough."  
"Chakwas?"  
"There you go, kiddo," her face slowly came into focus as Joker blinked.  
"Wha...? Wha?"  
"Shh...shh..." her warm smile calmed him slightly, "Relax, Jeff. How are you feeling?"  
"Really...really drugged," he mumbled, as he attempted to lift his left arm to scratch his nose. Chakwas quickly moved her hand to stop the motion.  
"I wouldn't do that."  
"Why?"  
"What do you remember?"  
"I..." Joker paused, "I was in a bar."  
"Good. What happened there?"  
"I...was with Shepard...and people...and...Kaidan?"  
Chakwas remained silent.  
"Why was Kaidan...?"  
Joker's eyes widened, as monitors began beeping loudly.  
"He's peaking!"  
"Jeff...take a deep breath..."  
"He tried to kill me! That bastard tried to kill me!"  
"Jeff, you're safe now. Kaidan is not here."  
Joker's eyes scanned blankly in front of him, "I...I shot him. Oh god...did I kill him? I didn't mean to kill him. Oh god..."  
"Jeff! Calm down! You're safe."  
"Sedate him or we lose him!"  
"I killed Kaidan!" Joker's breathing was ragged, his heart pounding. Chakwas eyes slammed shut as her hand signaled someone out of sight. All at once, everything began to get quiet. Faces blurred. Sounds muffled. Everything just...faded out of existence.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't mind me I'm just crying over my own writing.


	27. Leave

Gaz sat alone in her room. The fish tank opposite of her bed supplied the only light on her freckled face. Her cat lay next to her, purring at her touch. A data-pad lay at her feet with a story half-way read. Her arms were wrapped around her knees – head braced on her thighs. Most of the crew was gone now. They had returned to their families or were working for the Alliance once more. Tali had returned to the Flotilla. Grunt to Tuchanka. Thane and Samara had journeyed off some time ago – no one hearing from them since. Jacob had taken a position back with the Alliance. Garrus had stayed with Shepard for a bit, but decided he was needed back home.  
In short, the only person Gaz saw from her 'glory days' was Chakwas at the hospital – who would give her an update on Joker's status.  
It had been one month.  
According to Chakwas, it was a miracle he was still breathing.  
Her omni-tool hummed slightly on her wrist, causing the woman to set her chin atop her knees and activate the holographic device. It was a message.  
"Hiiii  
-Joker."  
Gaz stared at the message – a smile spreading across her face, as she slid on some shoes and made her way to the hospital.  
  
–  
  
"Can I have pants now?"  
"Not until I've run a few more tests."  
"How would pants inhibit a test? Actually...I take that back. Why do you need to test in my pants region?"  
"Jeff – just let me do my job," Chakwas requested, waving her omni-tool over Joker.  
"How would pants stop you from doing your job?" Joker narrowed his eyes in thought, "Unless you're secretly a prostitute."  
"I clearly whore around whenever I'm not cleaning paper-cuts of paper-pushing Alliance soldiers," Chakwas commented, now typing on her omni-tool.  
"I knew it. But wait...people still use paper?"  
"So you found me out. And occasionally yes. But can you tell me another mystery few know. What's my first name?"  
Joker blinked, before narrowing his eyes, "It's Karen. Why are you asking me this?"  
"Shepard's first name?"  
"Giselle but goes by Gaz."  
"The Normandy's ship's AI's name?"  
"EDI? What does-?"  
"Why are we on Earth?"  
"Because Shepard blew up a Mass Effect Relay and killed a bunch of 'innocent' batarians in the process."  
"What happened because of that?"  
"We got..." Joker's eyes narrowed, "...grounded. Shepard lost her rank and..."  
"Yes?"  
"We went to a bar to blow off steam..."  
"Go on."  
"Kaidan was there?"  
"Was he now?" Chakwas continued typing on her omni-tool.  
"Yeah he...he nearly killed me, didn't he?"  
"Do you remember why?"  
"Because he...he saw me with Shepard."  
" 'With' Shepard?"  
"Don't play coy, Chakwas, you know what I mean."  
"I'm not the one who suffered severe head trauma."  
"He saw me holding her hand and shit."  
A smile tugged at Chakwas' features, as she lowered her omni-tool, "Good, your memory appears intact."  
"That was a test?"  
"Very much so. Also, Gaz apparently just showed up. I'll show her in."  
Joker silently watched as Chakwas left the room, leaving him alone with his confusing thoughts. After a moment, the holographic display on the door spun around, revealing Chakwas waving Shepard into the room.  
"I have a few other patients to check on. I'll be back soon," Chakwas nodded.  
Shepard entered the room – her light brown eyes glued to Joker.  
"Hi."  
He waved, as Shepard pulled a chair up next to the bed, "How are you feeling?"  
"Honestly like I just had the most amazing nap."  
"I see your wit stayed."  
"Hope you didn't hire Kaidan to beat the smart-ass out of me."  
Shepard lowered her eyes a bit too quickly.  
"Sorry – was that too soon? Cuz that was like ten minutes ago for me," he shrugged.  
"Nah...sorry, it's just been a rough month."  
Joker frowned, sliding his hand over her's – which lay on the edge of his bed, "What happened?"  
"Everyone left. Later today they decide if I'm under house arrest or not. They've had a few more hearings since the original. All of which I've lost."  
"I'm...sorry."  
"Don't be. I'm just glad you're speaking and breathing on your own again."  
"Ha. Well – can we go home now? I hate hospitals."  
"Chakwas clear you for that?"  
"Actually she didn't answer. She 'ran a few tests' and got me to admit Kaidan beat the shit out of me for holding your hand," he frowned, pulling at the bill of his hat.  
"How are you feeling...honestly?"  
"A bit tired and achy."  
Chakwas re-entered the room, holding a data-pad, "Jeff, you are free to go. Just keep activities at a minimum for awhile. Nothing too straining, alright? Also – avoid stronger foods. We had to rebuild a good portion of your stomach, and it's not quite acclimatized to your system yet."  
"Will-do, Doc. Now...pants?  
  
–  
  
"I released Jeff today."  
"Really? To Gaz?"  
"Yes. They seemed quite smitten with each other."  
"I'm just glad he's okay..." Kaidan scratched his forehead as Chakwas crossed her arms.  
"Me too. You two were and will always be my favorite patients. I don't appreciate you both trying to kill each other."  
"I know...I know..." Kaidan lowered his eyes, "I can't justify what I did to Joker."  
"I understand in a sort of brutish way, I suppose," Chakwas shrugged, leaning on the wall to her right, as a nurse passed them in the hall, "You've been quite taken by Shepard since you met her all those years ago. You finally won her over, then she died," Kaidan licked his lips uncomfortably as she spoke, "Then she came back from the dead and you pushed her away-"  
"She was basically a robot zombie working for a terrorist organization. I think I've seen Joker watch a film with that exact plot before."  
"True. But it did hurt her. A lot. I've seen that woman dance through battle without a single hesitation. But after what you did to her? She seemed...off balance."  
Kaidan shook his head, appearing frustrated.  
"I understand your hesitation, though," Chakwas continued, "I asked Cerberus for a full medical examination to prove that Shepard was indeed herself, before accepting. It seemed too good to be true."  
"Yeah. You...aren't going to tell them that I visited Joker, will you?"  
"If I catch them talking about you in a negative fashion, I may attempt to rekindle your name in their presence with that bit of information."  
Kaidan nodded slowly, "I should go. Alliance has a few things they want to send me off on soon, and I need to read reports before I accept."  
"I also heard they're thinking of promoting you to Major?"  
"Yeah...I don't feel like I deserve it but-"  
"You deserve it. You helped take down Saren and that whole mess."  
"But Gaz is a Commander still."  
"She also has been screaming 'Reaper,' which makes people uncomfortable, then was dead for two years. When she came back, she technically was not with the Alliance. I've run the numbers in my head a few times. It makes sense."  
Kaidan nodded again, before his eyes darted to a nurse who walked by, "Anyway, I should be going."  
"Have a good day, Kaidan. Stop by whenever you feel like a chat."  
"Will do."


	28. Back home

"I wonder if Chakwas or some random poor person trimmed my beard while I was out," Joker wondered aloud, as he rolled through Shepard's door in his temporary wheelchair, "Or if they hired some biotic to put it into stasis for a month."  
"...Can a biotic stasis halt hair growth?" Gaz asked, watching the door close behind Joker.  
"I have no idea," he shrugged, rolling across the room, "Where's Batman?"  
"Steve is on top of my pillow. He blends in."  
"No shit..." Joker smirked, eyes locating the animal as he pulled up beside the bed, "He's gotten so big! And...Steve? Really, Gaz?"  
"You talked me out of Batman," Shepard shrugged, resting a hand on her hip.  
"So naturally you go for Steve," he laughed, "Hey little buddy – remember me?"  
Joker offered his hand to the cat, who sniffed it before licking it happily, "So you turned your cat into a dog?"  
"It was an accident. I think he was actually watching when I was feeling...depressed, and ended up viewing a bunch of..." Gaz winced, "...cute puppy vids."  
"Ahaha...Shepard watching cute animal vids on the extranet to cheer herself up. Now I've heard everything."  
"Ah – fuck you," Gaz smiled, sitting herself on the bed, before she joined in petting the cat.  
Joker – bracing his hands on both the end-table and the bed, carefully slid himself beside Gaz – a proud smile spreading across his features.  
"You know...I can like, help you with that, right?"  
"I am a proud man," he pulled on his hat slightly, as the cat climbed onto his chest.  
"He missed you," Gaz whispered, as Steve stared right into Joker's green eyes.  
"Or is plotting to kill me. With cats it can go either way," he shrugged, as Gaz slouched in her posture and rested her head on his shoulder. Joker glanced down at her and smiled, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.  
"How are you holding up?" he asked, as the cat began walking in a tiny little circle in preparation to lie down on him.  
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"  
"You have had a lot of emotional shit go down – I've had a lot of physical shit."  
"With our powers combined we're-"  
"A broken, sad, hermaphrodite?"  
"I was gonna go with a normal person, but yeah – that works too."  
Joker leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.  
A smile tugged at her lips, "It's nice to have you back."  
"It's nice to be back. And have pants."  
"I can imagine."  
  
–  
  
Anderson stared down at the text before him, rage tearing through him. How could they do this to Shepard? After all she had done for everyone? With every trial, he had attempted to fight her free. However, the fight was quite a bit harder than he had prepared for. They didn't just want to strip her of her rank and ship – but also throw her in jail and feed the key to a Thresher Maw.  
"Counselor?"  
"What is it, Udina?" Anderson asked, not looking up from his console.  
"Let them have Shepard."  
"Excuse me?"  
"Your personal interest and investment in Shepard has caused the rest of the Council to feel like you're easily persuaded and unsuited for the job."  
"Bullshit. I'm fighting for justice here!"  
"How long have you known Shepard, Anderson? Since she was a street rat on Earth?"  
"This doesn't concern you, Udina."  
"You are compromised by this girl!"  
"Get out of my office."  
"Why are you even here, Anderson? We both know you hate it."  
The man finally glanced up from his console, "Because humanity needs a soldier in charge."  
"Why?"  
"To keep the Council on their toes, Udina."  
"I'll let you work, Counselor. Sorry for the intrusion," Udina left angrily, leaving Anderson's mind swarming. He did hate this job. He hated the people he dealt with. He hated how people saw him and what he did and didn't accomplish.  
"Maybe it's time to go home..." he mumbled to himself, eyes searching Shepard's next trial.  
  
–  
  
"Joker...?" Gaz watched as the bearded pilot leaned his head on his hands, his face notably flushed. He had been quiet through the day – unusual for the snarky man.  
"I'm fine," his voice quiet, as he pet the cat on his lap – concentrating almost too much on his hand movements.  
"You feel like shit, huh?"  
"Yeah."  
Gaz crouched next to his wheel-chair, and slid her hand carefully onto his forehead – bumping his hat up slightly.  
"You're running a fever."  
"I know."  
"Other symptoms?"  
Joker lifted his eyes to hers and chose to make hand motions rather than speak. His first motion was twirling his fingers in circles around his head, before sticking his tongue out.  
"Dizzy?  
He nodded slowly, before rubbing his hand over his stomach then running it up his body to his mouth. His fingers danced away from his lips.  
"Nauseous?"  
Again, he nodded.  
"Want me to get Chakwas?"  
He shook his head, and mouthed the word, 'normal.'  
Gaz frowned, not fully understanding, before pulling herself to a full standing position – jumping slightly when Joker coughed.  
His eyes closed and he took a deep breath. Gaz, having felt similar when she had awoken from death, recognized what was going to happen next. She slowly pushed his wheel-chair into the bathroom, before taking his hat.  
"Keeping it safe."  
He made waving motions with his hands to attempt to make her leave.  
'Good, he isn't the "hold my hair back" sort. I can stand blood but not puke,' Gaz silently thought as the door closed behind her.  
Pulling up her omni-tool, Gaz sent Chakwas the message:  
"Burning up, dizzy, and now throwing up. Help.  
-Gaz Shepard."  
Surprisingly her omni-tool buzzed moments after she sent the message.  
"Keep him hydrated and he'll be fine. If it persists for more than a few hours, I'll stop by. Keep me posted.  
-Chakwas."  
  
With a deep breath, Gaz sat on her bed – eyes glued to the door of the bathroom. Being a soldier, she wasn't the best at this sort of thing. Should she go in there? Should she set something up in here? This was the medics' job, not hers.  
The whole 'civilian life' thing was really...weird, for Shepard. Her missions consisted of going to the store for food and cleaning. Thanks to a recent failed trial, she now was under house arrest. This meant that her 'missions' to buy food were now either under guard or she had to ask someone to pick up the food for her.  
While it was nice having a soft bed and warm food – she hated every second of it.  
  
–  
  
Joker leaned his forehead against his hands – eyes staring at the opening in the bottom of the toilet, which carried the various substances away. His mind was spinning and unable to grasp any solid thought. The temperature of his skin kept changing, making him feel clammy and faint. Then there was the issue of what he had eaten for breakfast was refusing to be digested into his system.  
  
His fingers dug into his shaggy hair, as he fought off another wave. He hated Kaidan for doing this to him. If that asshole had simply chosen to act like an adult and not beat the living-hell out of Shepard's new boyfriend, then perhaps he'd be getting laid right now, instead of in a wheelchair after being in a hospital for a month and currently throwing up everything he had eaten over the day.  
  
Joker closed his eyes, taking even breaths. From the way Gaz had been acting all day, he assumed that she wasn't comfortable taking care of people. This only made him feel more awkward. He was already someone who was considered 'handicapped' – now he was even more of a burden.  
  
"God...fucking...dammit..." he sighed, wondering if the medication he had to take was causing this – or it was simply the fact that his stomach was partially rebuilt since Kaidan broke several ribs, which actually ended up ripping his stomach and destroying a good portion of it. Maybe it was a little of both.  
Joker jumped as heard the door open.  
  
"Nothing good in here," he mumbled – keeping his eyes glued to the water beneath him.  
"How are you doing?" Gaz stood awkwardly just within the edge of his peripheral vision. It was strange to see a woman who had taken down some of the biggest villains within galactic history, looking...awkward.  
"Just fine. I'm puking rainbows so it actually feels good and tastes like awesome."  
"Awesome has a taste?"  
"Yes."  
"Right..."  
There was a beat of silence as Joker felt his body's temperature shift yet again – causing a bit of sweat to form on his brow.  
"Gaz...I don't mean to be rude, but do you want something?"  
"I...brought you Steve."  
Joker risked movement to see the woman holding the cat in front of her.  
"You really have no idea what to do, huh?" he teased, a slight smile forming upon his lips.  
"Not even a little bit."  
"It's fine. Just go entertain yourself out there and I'll be out in a bit."  
"Right..."  
"Gaz?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Relax. I'll be fine.."  
"Says the broken and sickly man who's leaning over a toilet."  
"Quiet you."  
  
Joker watched as the woman exited the bathroom, bringing the cat with her. Taking a few breaths, he tested his stomach. Surprisingly, Gaz's distraction had managed to settle things quite a bit. Rolling over to the sink, he threw some water on his face and stared up at his reflection. He looked so...sickly. Disgusted at his own appearance, his hands slid to the wheels of his chair, before rolling himself out of the bathroom.  
Gaz watched him carefully, as if expecting him to burst into flames at any point. He pulled up beside the bed, causing Shepard to move next to him, and help him onto the bed. Joker's cheeks flushed slightly in embarrassment of the action. He hated being 'helped'. He hated being reminded he was incapable. Joker tried to hide his weaknesses from Shepard, since she was the opposite of him. She was one of the toughest and generally most badass people he had ever met. Yet if Joker sneezed too hard, he could crack a rib. This was why he never even entertained the idea of being with Gaz. It's why he half helped-out Kaidan when he was trying to get into Shepard's pants.  
As he settled himself on the bed, Gaz placed herself next to him – sitting so lightly the bed barely moved. Shepard slid his hat back atop his head, smiling at the pilot. He offered a weak smile in return, before resting his head on her shoulder. Gaz wrapped both arms around him, resting her head on top of his head.  
"I'll kill Kaidan for you if you want."  
Joker smiled at Gaz's off-handed offer, nuzzling her warm and oddly comfortable shoulder slightly. Suddenly he understood why she always rested her head on his own shoulder.  
"Nah, it's fine."  
"I really wouldn't mind. Insist even."  
"Gaz, you're already under house arrest."  
"So I have to be sneaky. If I can take down the Collectors, why can't I be stealthy about killing Kaidan?"  
"Because you're a soldier, not infiltrator. Stealth isn't your thing," Joker reasoned, listening to heartbeat.  
"Then I'll pay Zaeed to do it for me," she decided, her heartbeat accelerating slightly.  
"Gaz...no murder."  
"But he hurt you."  
"I'm not...mad at Kaidan."  
"I...how?"  
"What's funny here is that you two pretend to be romantically involved, but you guys don't know each other at all."  
"Past tense on the romantically involved, thank you very much."  
"Kaidan is a really emotional person. He's been...unstable since your death."  
"I know."  
"No, you don't."  
"Then tell me," Gaz's voice annoyed.  
"He's been spiraling. He was my friend, once. I did a lot for him over the years. Especially after you died. Between Anderson and me, we kept him from...well...killing himself."  
Gaz's heart rate increased, "He was that bad?"  
"Constant watch for the first two months. What I'm getting at here, is that he's still healing. The fact that he's doing as well as he is...well I'm impressed. Yes, he's a dick and I'd prefer avoiding contact with him now...but I don't hate him."  
"You're a good man, Jeff Moreau."  
"Why...full names. Am I in trouble, mom?"  
  
Gaz laughed under her breath, playing with the hair that poked out of the back of his hat, "How are you feeling?"  
"A lot better. I think I might just sleep for a bit, though. Turning your stomach inside-out is fun and all, but it's really tiring."  
Gaz laughed under her breath.  
"I can imagine..." she glanced down at Joker, noticing his eyes were already closed – breathing slowing. A smile spread across her face, before she rested her head atop his once more, and closed her own eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like writing sick characters and I don't know why.


	29. Fix

"Alenko."  
"Counselor."  
Anderson folded his hands smoothly in front of him on the desk – eyes glued to the man before him, "Do you know how much work you have caused me lately?"  
"Sir, I-"  
"Between Shepard blowing up a batarian Star System and you beating Moreau within an inch of his life..." Anderson sighed angrily, slamming his fist down on his desk, as Kaidan stood upon the other side, head bowing down slightly.  
"I apologize for my actions, sir."  
"Of course you do. Why do you think you still have your rank and standing within the Alliance? Pixie dust?"  
"No, sir."  
"I went to bat for you. Be damned glad that neither Shepard nor Moreau pressed any form of charges against you."  
"I am, sir."  
"Alenko...Kaidan," Anderson leaned forward on his desk, motioning for the other man to take a seat across from him.  
"Sir?" Kaidan furrowed his brows slightly, carefully placing himself across from Anderson.  
"How are you? Honestly. I haven't seen you slip up like this since..."  
"Since Gaz died."  
"What happened, Kaidan?"  
Alenko leaned forward in his chair, intertwining his fingers as he rested his elbows on his knees – his expression vacant, "I don't know."  
"Dammit, Kaidan. What you did to Moreau was serious. It's my neck if you slip up again. What caused it?"  
"I think I just need...therapy," Alenko's voice oddly quiet, "I...react to things in ways I shouldn't."  
"Gaz moved on, didn't she?"  
"Sir-"  
"Kaidan, with how much you fell apart after her death, it was obvious how you two were connected. I'm also aware that ex Flight Lieutenant Moreau is currently living with Shepard."  
Kaidan's eyes narrowed at the new information, though he remained silent.  
"I also read the eyewitness reports and Shepard's statement. I know what happened."  
"What do you want me to say, Anderson? I'm not proud of it."  
"But why did you do it? Just jealousy?"  
"I'm not comfortable discussing this, sir."  
"Fine, fine. Therapy, you say?"  
"I think it'll...help me. I need it."  
Anderson remained silent, before tapping on the computer console in front of him, "Go see Shi'ara in twenty minutes. She's in the Presidium Commons – an asari therapist of sorts."  
"The Consort?"  
"Problem, Staff-Commander?"  
"No, sir."  
"Go, Kaidan. And please avoid leaving me more messes to clean up."  
  
–  
  
"Oh god...never again."  
"Quiet."  
"Seriously – I'll balance on my crutches and do it. Just...please stop."  
"You're so mean."  
"I feel fine. I can cook for us. Just please...what did that food ever do to you?"  
Gaz dropped the spoon onto the counter and glared under the ceiling-hung cabinets at Joker, "C'mon Limpy, let's see what you got."  
"That is the worst nickname for a male I've ever heard," Joker idly stated, as he slid his arms into his crutches and moved into the kitchen. Since the second day he was out – where his stomach went to hell – Joker's health had been recovering rapidly. He had started using crutches over the wheelchair, and had managed to keep everything down within his system. Over this period, however, Shepard had taken it upon herself to cook for him. Nearly every meal that required any sort of preparation had suffered some fatal flaw. Like being unrecognizably burnt, or undercooked. Or tasting like she dropped it on the floor.  
Joker beamed at Gaz, as he slid his arms out of his crutches and leaned himself against the counter to keep a bit of weight off the slightly dystrophied muscles within his already weak legs. Shepard leaned on the opposite counter, as he continued preparation of the meal. He brought the water to a boil and dropped in the noodles, as he worked chicken in a small skillet – tossing various seasonings atop the meat as he cooked. Shepard silently watched, leaning her head to the side as he worked.  
"I had no idea you could cook."  
"Handicapped kids don't exactly get a chance to go run around in the mud with friends, Gaz," Joker commented, not raising his gaze from his work.  
"You lived on a space station."  
"Shhhhh..."  
Gaz smiled, hopping up on the counter beside him, as he worked – watching the practiced movements of his hands.  
"Why didn't you ever cook on the Normandy?"  
"Because Gardner threatened to 'boil my hide' if I disrupted his kitchen."  
"Original Normandy?""  
"I...didn't like people watching me move around on my crutches," he shrugged, as Gaz's mind slipped back to the very different ship. She always remembered Joker having an empty food tray somewhere within the cockpit – but was never sure how it got there. She had brought him food only once or twice – but honestly had no idea on the other times.  
"So people mostly brought you food?" Gaz asked, as Joker flipped the chicken.  
"Yeah."  
"Who?"  
Joker shrugged, pressing the spatula against the chicken – forcing a large portion of steam to come off of the meat – sending the smell through the air.  
"I'm just curious," Shepard shrugged, assisting Joker by stirring the slowly boiling noodles.  
"Liara did a lot."  
"I honestly didn't know you two were close."  
Joker shrugged again, "Pressly did a few times. Kaidan most of the time. Garrus did a lot too."  
"I don't think I've ever seen you talk to Garrus."  
"He likes to tell stories, and I like to listen," again, Joker shrugged, sprinkling more seasoning onto the chicken, "He still hung out with me on the SR2 between his calibrations. It was a bit awkward though. Because...you know."  
Gaz blinked, "No...I don't."  
"Batman and Joker. Rivalry gets awkward," a smile cracked across the man's face as he shot Gaz a glance.  
The woman sighed and shook her head – a smile betraying her actions.  
"Ahaha – you love it," Joker smirked, as he drained the water from the noodles, before dumping them into a bowl.  
Gaz remained silent, watching him as he cooked – her feet kicking slightly off of the edge of the counter. Joker carefully removed the chicken from its pan, before cutting it into small pieces – throwing the chunks into the bowl of noodles every few slices. Shepard hopped off of the counter and retrieved a can of sauce from the fridge – opening it while Joker cut up the last of the chicken. Pouring the sauce over their meal, she watched as Joker carefully slid his arms back into his crutches and sat himself at the small table they normally ate at. A wave of pain betrayed his normally light features, before he smiled over at her stirring the mix together.  
"You okay?" she asked, locating bowls in the cabinets.  
"Yeah. Why?"  
"You did that Joker thing."  
"Joker thing?"  
"Where you show pain on your face when you think nobody is looking," Gaz set a bowl in front of the man, before filling it with noodles.  
"I put a little too much weight for a bit too long on my legs," he admitted with a shrug, attempting to brush it off.  
"Don't hurt yourself."  
"Yes, mom."  
  
–  
  
"Continue."  
"That's...it."  
"No it isn't," the carefully dressed asari folded her hands neatly in her lap, before smiling slightly at Kaidan, "What aren't you telling me?"  
"My ex-girlfriend died then was brought back to life by a terrorist organization. Once I finally came to terms with that, she rejects me and ends up dating a guy who I thought was trying to help me in the first place. Yeah...that's it."  
"Relax, Kaidan," her voice oddly harmonic in quality, causing the Spectre to listen to every word she spoke, "and why not get more comfortable?"  
"Because I didn't come here for...that."  
"For what, Staff-Commander?"  
Kaidan motioned lightly with one hand, before sighing, "I don't want sex."  
"You misunderstand my duties as the Consort then," her voice not insulted, but rather eager to inform, "I give people what they need. For some that is simply words. For others that may be a song, a back massage, or getting them to relax," she tilted her head to the side slightly – a smile still brushing her lips.  
"So...you don't sleep with people?"  
"On occasion a client will come in needing to feel needed or even craved," Shi'ara nodded slightly.  
"I'm sorry, I can't do this," Kaidan abruptly stood, causing the asari to match his actions and block his exit.  
"Sit."  
"I need to go ask for a real therapist – not some glorified prostitute."  
"It hurts that you see me in that light, Kaidan."  
"Look – I didn't mean to insult you. I've...just been through a lot and don't want any unnecessary pressures. I just want someone to talk to."  
"Then sit and I shall listen."  
Kaidan's dark eyes searched Shi'ara's before he settled back into his seat.  
"Now – continue."  
"I'm still in love with Gaz."  
"Why?"  
"She's perfect."  
"Obviously not if you two have had such difficulties."  
"No...no. Those were all my fault."  
"Really? I highly doubt that."  
"She died and came back. I pushed her away. I apologized and she agreed on a date. Then I accidentally called her not the real Shepard. Then I slept with her XO. I..." he rested his face in his hands, causing Shi'ara to gently pet his back.  
"Wait...you know Shepard," Kaidan raised his gaze to meet the eyes of the elegant asari.  
"Indeed I do. But I'm here for you, Kaidan. Not her."  
"She's great...isn't she?"  
"Kaidan," Shi'ara placed one hand on either side of his face, forcing him to stare her directly in the eyes, "Speaking of how she's perfect will not help you. She isn't perfect. The term 'perfect' has no real meaning. It's a set of standards that aren't ever met because no two people can agree on their terms. She is flawed, Kaidan, as we all are."  
"I...I know," Kaidan backed out of her grasp, leaning further back in his seat, resting his right wrist across his forehead.  
"Name her flaws."  
"What?"  
"What's wrong with Shepard?"  
"Nothing."  
"Kaidan, what's wrong with Shepard?"  
Kaidan sighed, before leaning forward in his seat again – head hanging in thought, "She can be a bit cold."  
"How so?"  
"She'll see something horrific and only say like...one sentence to even acknowledge it happened, then move on."  
"Does this bother you?"  
"She...never spoke of Ash's death other than once or twice. I never once saw her grieve it. I know I did. Most of the crew did. Shepard? She just kept going."  
"What else?"  
"She's really defensive. When talking to her, I sometimes felt like she was looking for a reason to fight with me – especially recently. It's like she chooses when to be sensitive over random things."  
"Like what?"  
"I...I said that the Normandy wasn't the real Normandy. Which is true," Kaidan gestured with his hand, "While it follows a lot of the same ideas from the original, nothing but some of the crew is the same. That's a fact. Yet she chose to get insulted by it – acting like I had just called her 'not the real Shep,' even though I didn't."  
"Good. Continue."  
"I always feel like there's a wall covering her from everyone."  
"A wall?"  
"She's a soldier. She doesn't let herself emote like she should. She hides things from everyone. Honestly, it makes me worry about her. What if...what if another galactic disaster happens? What if she's put under more pressure? She's already done the impossible twice – and died once. What if she's forced to do it again? Will she snap?"  
Shi'ara crossed her legs as Kaidan spoke, studying his every move.  
"Does that worry you?"  
"Yes. I just want her to relax for once. I guess...I guess she's doing that now."  
"Is she?"  
"She's on Earth. Alliance pulled her rank, ship, crew...everything. She's under house arrest now and...has a new boyfriend."  
"Who?"  
"Jeff Moreau."  
"Pilot of both Normandys?"  
"Yeah."  
"Does her dating him bother you?"  
"Yes...it does," Kaidan's eyes narrowed, "Shepard is a powerful and beautiful woman. She should have someone who can take care of her. Help her. Not...not some broken and handicapped pilot who is useless in a fight and can't even hold a conversation with most people without getting off track or appearing uncomfortable."  
"So Shepard dating Moreau makes you annoyed because you see him as inadequate?"  
"Yeah. I...they know."  
"They do?"  
"Back on Earth awhile back, I had too much to drink and saw them together. I had no idea she had moved on. Or when she moved on. He was holding her hand," Kaidan's eyes grew distant, "He appeared so comfortable with her – like it wasn't something new. She gave him that look," Kaidan's voice broke, before he took a deep breath, "That one that I thought was only reserved for me."  
"What did you do?"  
"I nearly killed him."  
"Explain," Shi'ara's voice remained even.  
"He got near me to get drinks for the group he was with."  
"Moreau?"  
"Yes. And...we talked for a bit. I honestly don't remember most of it. He somehow pissed me off and...well, I beat him nearly to death. He ended up shooting me in return."  
Shi'ara reached for Kaidan's hand and squeezed it. Unlike her previous attempts at contact, Kaidan didn't fight it. He squeezed her hand back.  
"What happened next?"  
"Once he shot me, I backed off. Donnelly – who was with Joker's group-"  
"Joker?"  
"Jeff Moreau. It's his nickname."  
"We'll get back to that. Continue."  
"Donnelly pulled me off him, and Shepard ran straight to Joker – shooting me a look that I never wanted to be on the receiving end of, from her. She gave that same look to Saren."  
"You aren't Saren, Kaidan."  
"I know. It was just hard. Joker lost consciousness around that time – distracting her from me. An ambulance brought us both to the local hospital. I lost consciousness on the way. I woke up later after they already fixed me up. Shepard ended up coming in."  
"She came in to visit you?"  
"Yes. I...I have never seen her so close to crying before."  
"She cried?"  
"No...she was just so..." Kaidan rolled in lips in, in thought, "Vulnerable. She had lost everything earlier that day, and I was only making it worse. I felt...awful."  
"Why do you think she came to see you?"  
"It was to say goodbye."  
"Explain, please."  
"She was basically telling me to get out of her life forever in her strange Shepard way. She told me she wanted to stay on good terms with me, but now it was impossible. I wished her the best with Joker and called him a lucky man."  
"Was that the end of it?"  
"No. Joker spent about a month in intensive care. Borderline died a few times during that run. I...visited him."  
"You visited him?"  
"Yeah. Talked to him sometimes even though he was never awake."  
"What did you say?"  
"Talk about days in the old Normandy. The two year gap."  
"Two year gap?"  
"Shepard was gone for two years. I...hit rock bottom during that time. He, Garrus, and Anderson basically kept me going. I owe Joker a lot for that."  
"Is that why you call him by his nickname even though you resent his relationship with Shepard?"  
"Yes. I owe Joker a lot."  
Shi'ara slowly nodded, her fingertips brushing her chin, "Continue."  
"I don't know. There's nothing much else to say. I managed to hurt a good friend of mine for touching a person I keep pushing myself away from. I'm self destructive."  
"Why do you think that is?"  
"Why do you think I'm here?"  
"Because Counselor Anderson told you to."  
"Help me...please."  
Shi'ara ran a hand through Kaidan's dark hair, causing the man to close his eyes at her touch.  
"You're a good man, Kaidan. You just can't figure out how to handle yourself."  
"How do I fix that?"  
"May I see into your mind?"  
"Excuse me?"  
"Maybe I can help internally. Sometimes people honestly can't tell me what I need to know to help them. This may be one of those cases."  
"I don't know if I'm comfortable with...I mean isn't that asari sex? Like your eyes turn black and you say 'embrace eternity' them I'm pregnant with your asari child?"  
Shi'ara smiled at him, before cupping his chin in her hand, "I need you to relax."  
"But-"  
"Take a deep breath for me."  
Kaidan followed her orders as he stared into her eyes. She blinked once more – causing them to turn an inky black.  
"Embrace eternity."  
His skin instantly felt cold – his insides like fire. He was no longer in the room. He was no longer anywhere. Sensations flooded his every sense, causing him to panic for a mere moment, before he reached a plateau of...nothing. He didn't feel fear, anger, hatred, or...anything. He just felt...content.  
His eyes brought him back to reality just in time to see Shi'ara's eyes turn back to their natural hue – a relaxed expression across her face.  
"How do you feel?"  
"Relaxed."  
She ran a hand through his hair again, "I have seen the inner workings of your mind Kaidan, and I hope I helped straighten some things out."  
"What did you do?"  
"Nothing, really. I helped you help yourself."  
"How?"  
"Connected dots that weren't previously connected and calmed thoughts that were unnecessarily spiked."  
"So you brainwashed me?"  
"No."  
"Then...how?"  
"Kaidan, go on with your life now. You are free. You need to bring yourself together for life's upcoming battles. You will be needed in peak condition. I cannot guarantee that life will be easy for you. But I can feel that you have greatness coming for you, Kaidan Alenko. Just don't let little things weigh you down," Shi'ara kissed him lightly before standing and moving towards the door, "I am always here if you need me, Kaidan. Though I cannot see you seeking my services in the future."  
"I...thank you."  
"Live well, Kaidan."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I wanted to explain Kaidan and not leave me sad and/or dying. Yeah.


	30. End game

Shepard lay beside him, eyes closed. Her auburn hair covered one eye, as her nostrils flared every few breaths. Steve lay within her arms – tail thrashing slightly in excitement as Joker watched them. The pilot took a deep breath, before lightly petting the cat – his mind running in circles. In a few hours, he was to report to the Normandy SR-2. Apparently EDI – hiding as a VI – had decided to 'lock' herself and was asking for 'administrator privileges,' or something. In short, she locked herself down and was asking for Joker without breaking the cover of being an advanced VI. However, Shepard was still on house arrest. She wasn't even allowed to go shopping without a guard. Recently, however, Joker had become well enough to go on his own. He had been recovering for a few months now. The physical therapy had restored most of his muscles, and the modifications Cerberus had made on his bones were still holding fast. Meanwhile, Shepard had managed to read hundreds of books and teach Steve more commands than he thought a cat could learn. Domestic house-life did not suit her.  
Gaz's eyes opened slightly as the cat started to bat at Joker.  
"Hey," she greeted in a sleepy tone, "Can't sleep?"  
"Nervous."  
"You'll be fine," she assured, her voice still clouded by a morning haze.  
"I wish I could take you with me."  
"I'll be fine. I'm glad they're bringing you in to help them out," she sat up slightly, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it slightly. Joker leaned forward and kissed her deeply. Gaz opened her eyes when he pulled back, smiling brightly at the man.  
"Gaz?"  
"Yeah?" she ran her hand along his arm.  
"I love you."  
  
There was a beat of silence with an expression on Gaz's face that he couldn't identify. It actually scared him a bit. Then, she was close to him. Her mouth hungrily kissing his. Then she was on top of him, pulling at his clothing. Even though they had been 'together' for several months, they were yet to be fully intimate. When they were both aboard the Normandy – the occasion just never struck. Then Joker was out for a month and spent most of the time up until this point, recovering. Physical therapy was a big part. Chakwas didn't want him to strain himself – so Gaz had mostly been babying him. Sure, they kissed, and Shepard had given him a blow-job whenever the mood had struck her – and he repaid the favor whenever he felt physically okay to do so. But this...this felt different. She was down to a bra now, and he was fairly certain that neither one of them was wearing more than their underwear. When he had said the words only moments ago, he hadn't expected this response. At all. He simply wished for her to respond maybe. This, though? He was okay with this. Joker just wished she would say something. Her silence made him a bit uneasy.  
Gaz continued kissing him, encouraging his hands to explore her body. His heart was pounding in his chest as she kicked back the covers with one foot to give herself more room. Or that's what he assumed. She crouched over him in an almost predatory fashion. It was somehow both frightening, as well as hot. Joker seriously contemplated whether he had ever been more turned on than he was in this exact moment. Feeling the need to interact more with the creature above him, he slid his fingers down the front of her underwear. She gasped at his touch, as smile crossing her freckled features.  
It was strange to see Gaz in a normal set of underwear. Since the start of this relationship with Gaz, he had seen her 'down to her skivvies' several times. The woman tended to opt for even more N7 gear – with boycut underwear with the appropriate emblem and a sports bra. Always ready for combat. However, since Earth, she had slowly shifted away from her constant N7 gear. It was a bit sad to watch – but at this moment, he valued the power of panties.  
Gaz's own fingers slid down his manhood, causing his eyes to slam shut at her touch. He forced them open to watch her expression. Joker wanted her so badly in the way he had only had Kelly in the past.  
Joker carefully undid her bra-strap, as Shepard leaned forward and continued kissing him, her hips pressing against Joker's hardness. She managed to kick off her own panties and remove his Jurassic Park boxers with him hardly noticing – until she pressed herself against him, and it felt really different. She smiled down at him.  
"Have a favorite position?" her voice low and sultry. It was the voice he had fantasized about in the past. It was everything he had ever hoped for.  
"I...I don't care," he stuttered, attempting to play along with her sexy game, but just finding himself highly aware of his hands and suddenly forgetting how they normally sit without looking awkward.  
"We can mix it up then..." and she slid on.  
Joker grunted without meaning to – suddenly feeling like his entire life was leading up to this point. It was fantastic. It was glorious. It felt better than anything he had ever felt before. Including eating when hungry. Unlike Kelly, inside Shepard seemed to form around him...tighter.   
"Hahaha...enjoying this?" Gaz teased, noticing Joker's shuddering breaths.  
Joker made an incoherent sound in response, causing Shepard to speed up slightly, before rolling Joker on top. The action was a bit violent for his taste – causing him to worry about his left arm slightly. His attention was immediately distracted as Shepard used her arms to pull him into a humping motion. Again, a bit violent – but he rolled with it. If he kept up, then she wouldn't paw at him and he'd be fine. The movement quickly distracted him from her violent nature, causing his mind to be lost of a land of bliss once more. Suddenly, Gaz was moving again – placing herself in a position that Joker knew as 'doggy' position, from porn. He adjusted and continued, not enjoying all the thinking. But, again, the sensation made up for anything that was bothering him. Especially since Gaz started to react. Or that's what he assumed from the sound she was making. He really wished he could see her face.  
Then suddenly she was on top again, hurting the same arm in the process. She was vocal now, her expression beautiful. Gaz leaned forward and kissed him, keeping the motion up. Joker quickly caught up, starting to feel the pressure start to build inside him. Then she was loud. Really loud. Borderline uncomfortable loud. So loud he wondered how the entire SSV Normandy didn't hear her fuck Kaidan.  
He quickly had to recover his mind to force himself to stay hard and not think about Kaidan. Her increased speed hurt his hips slightly. She was going too hard. But, again, the sensation overruled all things, causing his end to come quickly. He grunted and thrust upwards, before relaxing. Gaz smiled down at him, before she pushed off his body a bit too hard, and lay down next to him. Joker turned away to wince.  
"I love you too," she whispered, missing his pained reaction, before kissing his cheek.  
As she lay beside him, he tested a few of his bones, fairly certain the endorphins were protecting him from a few fractures. This, however, is when Gaz noticed something was wrong.  
"Are...you okay...?" her voice panicked, as Joker winced after squeezing his left arm.  
"Gaz...I'm...yeah I'll be fine."  
"Tell me," her voice begged.  
"I can tell you're used to sex with a non-handicapped biotic," he stated a bit harsher than he meant, "Fuck, Gaz, I think you broke like three bones. Did you even remember about my Vrolik's?"  
He glanced over at her – feeling his endorphins lose to the natural sting of bones that haven't held together. Joker naturally grew snappy when he broke something. It was a defense mechanism he got as a child who often got broken by his friends. It was better than crying.  
  
"I'm...I'm so sorry. I..."  
"What? Forgot?"  
Her expression was hurt, "I'm sorry Joker. I...yes I forgot. With your improvements from Cerberus, I sometimes forget how fragile you are. Yes, I'm used to rough sex with Kaidan. I'm used to being bioticly tossed around. I'm...sorry."  
Joker looked at the time, "I'd better get going to I can go to the clinic before the Normandy."  
"Joker, wait-"  
"Gaz...I'm fine. I just...hate breaking things and I'm annoyed you forgot. It hurts in both senses. I wish we talked about this before diving in. We like different things in bed. I hate constantly moving. I like seeing your face – not your back. You can't just slam into my hips like that – they will break."  
  
Gaz was silent. He hadn't seen that expression on her face since Ashley's death. Distant. Dark. It's how Shepard normally cried.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered, covering herself with a blanket.  
Joker disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Gaz to discover that Steve had been sitting on the pillows the entire time. Sliding her clothing back on, she lifted the cat into her arms. Steve purred happily, as she toyed with his red-and-white striped collar.  
"I'm the worst girlfriend ever," she informed the cat, holding him so he could see her, "I nearly just shattered Joker because I forgot he's breakable," her voice cracked, "Fuck..." she shook her head, as the bathroom door opened – Joker sliding into Alliance-blues. The original Normandy hat present on his wet hair. He limped slightly and was favoring his right arm.  
"Fast shower?"  
"Yeah," his voice flat, "I'll be back later."  
"Message me?"  
Joker paused as he turned for the door – his hat shadowing his expression. He turned back to Gaz and limped over to her, kissing her lightly on the mouth.  
"Sorry I'm so...grrr," he whispered, still close to her, "I just...don't like being broken."  
"I understand that."  
"I still mean what I said," his lips curled into a smile, "Even if I did just have a tantrum of a three year old."  
"Really?"  
"Of course, Gaz," he cupped her face in one hand – petting her cheek with his thumb, "I love you. Even if our first time sexing ended a bit in disaster, that's not gonna change anything. We can work on that. Sex isn't a relationship. It's an added bonus."  
Gaz gently pulled him into a deep kiss, "Have fun today, Joker. Tell EDI I say hi."  
"See ya Gaz," he waved, backing carefully towards the door.  
  
–  
  
"Major Alenko?"  
"Yes, Admiral?"  
"We need you on Earth."  
Kaidan narrowed his eyes at the holographic display of Anderson who was now wearing Alliance-blues after his resignation from the Council, "Of course, sir. What has come up?"  
"We've lost all communication with the batarians."  
"Chance of war?"  
"Not sure. That hasn't been ruled out – but we've also lost view of their ships."  
"Why does this require me, sir?"  
"Because there's a very large chance that this...is the Reapers, Major."  
Kaidan stared at the holo before him, feeling a lump in the back of his throat, "Reapers?"  
"Minus Shepard exploding a Star System, when do they go dark like this Kaidan? Never. We're having a meeting in a few hours and would like your experience with Reapers to come into play."  
"What about Shepard?"  
"We're going to bring her in too. Only one Reaper witness at a time though. We want every opinion to be uncontaminated."  
"I'll be on my way asap, sir."  
"See you soon, Major."  
  
–  
  
"How the hell did you get all these fractures, Jeff?" Chakwas asked, tending to his wounds.  
"I'm a professional, what can I say?"  
"Jeff, I need to know."  
"No you don't."  
"Was it Kaidan?"  
Joker froze.  
"I heard he was to arrive on Earth as some point today from Anderson."  
"I...uh...no, not him. Haven't seen him."  
"Does his presence make you uneasy, Jeff?"  
"He nearly killed me, Doc. What do you think?"  
Chakwas frowned, "If it wasn't him, then what caused this?"  
"I...slipped in the shower?"  
"No you didn't."  
"I...tripped?"  
"Knees would have been destroyed."  
"I..."  
"Jeff, as a medical professional I need to know."  
"This morning Gaz and I had sex and she's used to banging a biotic instead of a cripple and nearly shattered me in the process," the words fell out of his mouth as quickly as he could shape them. Joker's bright green eyes stared intently at his shoes.  
"She did this to you?"  
Joker slowly nodded, "It's fine, though."  
"Not really. These are all hairline fractures and will be healed in about a day...but don't let this happen again."  
"Believe me, I won't," Joker shook his head.  
"I love the idea of you two together, Jeff, but if she can't handle your bone disorder...perhaps it's time to move on."  
Joker glared up at Chakwas, "No."  
"I'm just looking out for you, Jeff."  
"I need to get going," Joker slid off of the examination table and disappeared through the door.  
Chakwas folded her arms, and shook her head, before receiving a message telling her to find a flight to the Citadel.  
"Huh..." her brows furrowed, "Being transferred. Thought this would come sooner."  
  
–  
  
Kaidan stepped out of the ship, surprised to see Anderson standing right outside the door, "This way, Major. Welcome back to Earth."  
Alenko nodded in response, silently following the man to the meeting room. Anderson fiddled with his omni-tool the entire way, before waving Kaidan inside.  
"Welcome, Major."  
Kaidan bowed his head.  
"We have now lost contact with several planets and systems. Earth's comm buoy has gone offline," Anderson began, his grand voice filling the room.  
  
–  
  
Gaz's omni-tool buzzed. Expecting it to be Joker, she frowned when she saw Anderson's name.  
"Morning, Shepard. Get your ass over to Alliance headquarters. We have some Blues set-out for you. You have a meeting in a few hours. A man named Vega will brief you. See you then.  
-Admiral Anderson"  
Shepard frowned at the message, feeling as if something was off. She had heard he had resigned from the Council – leaving Udina in charge. But why the meeting now? Was she up for trial again? Sliding out of bed, she headed for the shower – her mind dancing with thoughts.  
  
–  
  
Joker settled into the seat of the Normandy, feeling a sense of right he hadn't felt in about six months.  
"Oh I missed you, baby," he said quietly to the Normandy, petting the controls, as guards stepped just outside the door of the new bridge.  
"I missed you too, Jeff."  
"EDI!" a smile broke across his features, "It is amazing to hear your oddly sexy computer voice."  
"I have no concept of 'sexy', but it is pleasant to be able to relax my processors around a pilot I already know the mannerisms of."  
Joker couldn't hide the smile on his face, as he shook his head, "Have they been kind to you?"  
"They all believe me to be a VI."  
"You did good, EDI."  
  
–  
  
"With the evidence presented, Major, what is your opinion on the matter?"  
Kaidan stared at the faces of the members of the board. They had all laughed Shepard out of rank with her claims – then decided to accuse her of being indoctrinated.  
"From my experience with the Reapers, this could easily be the attack that Shepard and both crews of the Normandy have been warning the galaxy about for years."  
–  
Gaz slid into the new Alliance uniforms, feeling her heart flutter, before a rather muscled man approached the door.  
"Commander," he saluted.  
"I'm not a Commander anymore, remember?" she half-barked, "Why am I here?"  
"There have been some issues that the board would like to see you about."  
"That's vague. They tell you to say that?"  
"That's all I know, ma'am."  
"What's with the formalities? I was dishonorably discharged. I'm basically lower than a civilian now."  
"You're still a Commander in my eyes," the man smiled, "I've read about you. They have no right."  
"Tell them that."  
  
–  
  
"So why did you bring me on board?"  
"I requested your presence, Jeff, because the Normandy will be needing you today."  
"Wait...what?"  
"The Alliance is ignoring readings which prove Shepard was not lying."  
"What are you saying, EDI?"  
"The Reapers are coming, Jeff."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BRAAAAH (Reaper noise).  
> YAY THAT WAS FUN HUH?  
> The awkward Shep/Joker sex is the best. Generally when people have sex for the first time, they're influenced by past lovers. With Shepard banging Kaidan - a muscled biotic - then Joker...THERE JUST HAD TO BE PROBLEMS. I always pictured Kaidan/Shepard sex as crazy. Like breaking shit in the room crazy. Don't question my headcanons.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my little story. There's a part two I'll move over here soon, which fills in ME3 events, and what happens after. Follows indoctrination theory pretty hard.


End file.
